The Hunted

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Reviews 22
Someone was chasing me. We were in a dark forest. Fog was creeping around me. Leaves rustled and I heard a shot. Pain coursed through my leg and I saw blood. The man who had shot me was masked and he had a bow and arrows strapped to his back. Strapped to his waist was a belt that had a pattern in the shape of a wolf. Then, I heard voices. You have entered our world! You will become one of us. You will learn our ways. You will fight the enemy and risk your life. But, to do so, you must die.

I woke up with sweat trickling down my face. My arms shook and my leg ached as if it had been hurt. I yelped out in pain when my cat stepped on my leg. When I looked at my knee, it was blue and had a marking of a wolf. My heart raced when I remembered my dream.

"Come on! You're gonna be late, Victoria!!!" My mom yelled from downstairs. My wavy brunette hair was in a mess and my eyes had bags under them. "Hurry up!"

"I'm coming!" I screamed back.

"Your class is leaving for the Blue Woods in fifteen minutes!" She yelled, scaring the cat.

"Ok. Ok!" I put on my jeans and my favorite t-shirt.

When I got downstairs, I grabbed an apple and a coke and ran to get my geography textbook. I stuffed the textbook, my cell phone, my home work, my jump drive, a notebook, a mechanical pencil, a camera, and my favorite chapstick in my backpack. I grabbed a pamphlet for the Blue Woods and headed outside. As I stepped out, the bus turned a corner and slowed down at my house. I said goodbye to my mom and run up the steps. Everyone in the bus was reading the pamphlet about Blue Woods. Some started whispering and I turned the pages to see what they were looking at. One article read, "Beware of woodland animals. Many foxes, wolves, and bears have occurred in the Blue Woods and have injured people before. Please do not make any loud or disturbing sounds while you are in Blue Woods. If it happens that an animal that could hurt you comes along, do not panic and slowly back away. The best thing to do is not to have food with you while on nature trails and with you in your cabin. Thank you for regarding this. Have a nice stay!" Wolves? Oh no, this is getting weird. I thought. My leg still hurt and I kept glancing down at the wolf on it. I shuddered and looked out the window. I was the last stop of the morning and so we continued on our way toward the Blue Woods Nature Site. An hour passed an we were there. I grabbed my camera out and started snapping pictures at Blue Lake, a lake close to Blue Wood, obviously. It was densely forested around the lake and the whole forest looked like a bear on its hind legs. The bus stopped right at the edge of the forest and we met at the cabins. A few guys were touching some weird plants and others were just digging into the dirt with their heels.

"Welcome everybody! This here behind us in Blue Woods and the cabins just skirt the edges. The heart of Blue Forest is the most dangerous. Many students have been lost there and you should not go there. The natives believed that spirits from the underworld live there in the forms of wolves." The guide started to talk about the mess hall and to clean your cabin. Wolves. Why does that animal keep popping up? It was in my dream, it's on my leg, now, the guide is talking about it. Is this a joke? The teacher yelled for everyone to buddy up and I partnered up with my best friend, Abigail. She started to talk about how much this place scared her, and frankly, I was scared too. The boys looked like they couldn't care less, but we knew they were freaked out. I rubbed my leg, hoping that the mark would go away. I looked back down, but it was still there. As the class assembled in the small amphitheater, I glanced back at the pamphlet. I turned to Page 2 and saw an article about all the activities. It listed things like nature hikes, animal observing, fishing, swimming, archery, and many other things. Under animal observing, it noted that there was a wolf reserve where you could quietly observe their habits. What is up with all the wolves? Is this place infested? I thought to myself.They started to talk about all the dangers of wandering away from the group and how we should stay close together. I caught a few things about wild animals and getting lost, but I pretty much zoned out. Suddenly, a piercing pain shot through my leg. No, no! I thought. What is wrong with me? After about 5 minutes, the pain ceased and I was again left with the strange mark and nothing else. Abigail grabbed a hold of my arm and pulled my toward the cabins, waking me up from my thoughts.

"Did you hear anything they said?" She questioned."You practically weren't there at all! Come on, we gotta go to the cabins, NOW!"

"Alright, alright. I'm coming, jeez." I said while rubbing the mark she left on my arm.

"HELP! HELP!" Said a voice coming from the bushes. "Something has my leg!"

It turned out it was a girl in my class, named Caitlynn. Something had bitten her calf and it was covered in blood. A tuft of fur was snagged on the bush. Wolves, I said under my breath. They're closer than I thought. The guide came up and told everyone that we should all go to our cabins quietly and quickly as to not disturb these dangerous and territorial canines. I hurried, with Abigail clutching to my arm, to the cabins and closed the door. 3 other girls were there, named Annica, Joslynn, and Vanessa. The room had 3 bunk beds (6 bunks), a few nightstands, 2 large lamps, a sink and mirror, and a box of flashlights. We all got our sleeping bags out and our pillows. We inspected the beds to make sure no bugs were in our sheets and climbed back down. It was 10:23 AM when Annica found a loose floorboard. We lifted it up to find a large drawing of a wolf. On the large canvas and under the large oil masterpiece, was a warning.

To those who find the hidden,
it crawls with animals forbidden,
it's full of hungry beasts,
who would think of you as feasts,
their eyes are black and beady,
they take from the needy,
wolves at day they look like,
humans they are at night,
these creatures, beware,
walk through this forest with care,
look around my fellow friends,
this could just be your end...


"Is someone messing with us?" Annica said with a glare. " 'Cause if they are, oooh, they're in for it! I am going to kill them!" She balled up her fist and punched her other hand.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

I am not yet done, but I will be soon! Check this out after a little while and maybe I'll be done!




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Points 2233
Reviews 8
This is nice and I like it. The mysterious starts where a dream becomes true and the painting scene. I like those things and a good story you have here.
A good story is something that is readable and understandable regardless of the length




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Reviews 21
Spoiler
Someone was chasing me. We were in a dark forest. Fog was creeping around me. Leaves rustled and I heard a shot. Pain coursed through my leg and I saw blood. The man who had shot me was masked; he had a bow and arrows strapped to his back. Strapped to his waist was a belt that had a pattern in the shape of a wolf. Then, I heard voices. "You have entered our world! You will become one of us. You will learn our ways. You will fight the enemy and risk your life. But, to do so, you must die."

I woke up with sweat trickling down my face. My arms shook and my leg ached as if it had been hurt. I yelped out in pain when my cat stepped on my leg. When I looked at my knee, it was blue and had a marking of a wolf. My heart raced when I recalled my dream.

"Come on! You're gonna be late, Victoria!!!" My mom yelled from downstairs. My wavy brunette hair was in a mess and my eyes had bags under them. "Hurry up!"

"I'm coming!" I screamed back.

"Your class is leaving for the Blue Woods in fifteen minutes!" She yelled, scaring the cat.

"Ok. Ok!" I put on my jeans and my favorite t-shirt.

When I got downstairs, I grabbed an apple and a coke and ran to get my geography textbook. I stuffed the textbook, my cell phone, my home work, my jump drive, a notebook, a mechanical pencil, a camera, and my favorite chapstick in my backpack. I grabbed a pamphlet for the Blue Woods and headed outside.

As I stepped out, the bus turned a corner and slowed down at my house. I said goodbye to my mom and run up the steps. Everyone in the bus was reading the pamphlet about Blue Woods. Some started whispering and I turned the pages to see what they were looking at. One article read, "Beware of woodland animals. Many foxes, wolves, and bears have occurred in the Blue Woods and have injured people before. Please do not make any loud or disturbing sounds while you are in Blue Woods. If it happens that an animal that could hurt you comes along, do not panic and slowly back away. The best thing to do is not to have food with you while on nature trails and with you in your cabin. Thank you for regarding this. Have a nice stay!" Wolves? Oh no, this is getting weird. I thought.

My leg still hurt and I kept glancing down at the wolf on it. I shuddered and looked out the window. I was the last stop of the morning and so we continued on our way toward the Blue Woods Nature Site. An hour passed an we were there. I grabbed my camera out and started snapping pictures at Blue Lake, a lake close to Blue Wood, obviously. It was densely forested around the lake and the whole forest looked like a bear on its hind legs. The bus stopped right at the edge of the forest and we met at the cabins. A few guys were touching some weird plants and others were just digging into the dirt with their heels.

"Welcome everybody! This here behind us in Blue Woods and the cabins just skirt the edges. The heart of Blue Forest is the most dangerous. Many students have been lost there and you should not go there. The natives believed that spirits from the underworld live there in the forms of wolves." The guide started to talk about the mess hall and to clean your cabin. Wolves. Why does that animal keep popping up? It was in my dream, it's on my leg, now, the guide is talking about it. Is this a joke?

The teacher yelled for everyone to buddy up and I partnered up with my best friend, Abigail. She started to talk about how much this place scared her, and frankly, I was scared too. The boys looked like they couldn't care less, but we knew they were freaked out. I rubbed my leg, hoping that the mark would go away. I looked back down, but it was still there. As the class assembled in the small amphitheater, I glanced back at the pamphlet. I turned to page two and saw an article about all the activities. It listed things like nature hikes, animal observing, fishing, swimming, archery, and many other things. Under animal observing, it noted that there was a wolf reserve where you could quietly observe their habits. What is up with all the wolves? Is this place infested? I thought to myself.

They started to talk about all the dangers of wandering away from the group and how we should stay close together. I caught a few things about wild animals and getting lost, but I pretty much zoned out. Suddenly, a piercing pain shot through my leg. No, no! I thought. What is wrong with me? After about five minutes, the pain ceased and I was again left with the strange mark and nothing else. Abigail grabbed a hold of my arm and pulled my toward the cabins, waking me up from my thoughts.

"Did you hear anything they said?" She questioned."You practically weren't there at all! Come on, we gotta go to the cabins, NOW!"

"Alright, alright. I'm coming, jeez." I said while rubbing the mark she left on my arm.

"HELP! HELP!" Said a voice coming from the bushes. "Something has my leg!"

It turned out it was a girl in my class, named Caitlynn. Something had bitten her calf and it was covered in blood. A tuft of fur was snagged on the bush. Wolves, I said under my breath. They're closer than I thought. The guide came up and told everyone that we should all go to our cabins quietly and quickly as to not disturb these dangerous and territorial canines.

I hurried, with Abigail clutching to my arm, to the cabins and closed the door. Three other girls were there, named Annica, Joslynn, and Vanessa. The room had three bunk beds, a few nightstands, two large lamps, a sink and mirror, and a box of flashlights. We all got our sleeping bags out and our pillows. We inspected the beds to make sure no bugs were in our sheets and climbed back down. It was ten twenty-three when Annica found a loose floorboard. We lifted it up to find a large drawing of a wolf. On the large canvas and under the large oil masterpiece, was a warning.

To those who find the hidden,
it crawls with animals forbidden,
it's full of hungry beasts,
who would think of you as feasts,
their eyes are black and beady,
they take from the needy,
wolves at day they look like,
humans they are at night,
these creatures, beware,
walk through this forest with care,
look around my fellow friends,
this could just be your end...

"Is someone messing with us?" Annica said with a glare. " 'Cause if they are, oooh, they're in for it! I am going to kill them!" She balled up her fist and punched her other hand.


In the above spoiler you can see the edits I made. You're two biggest problems were paragraphs that were "run-on" paragraphs, and using digits instead of writing the number out. Aside from that there were few mistakes.

My wavy brunette hair was in a mess and my eyes had bags under them. "Hurry up!"

The last time we saw Victoria she was in bed. Add a sentence that shows her getting up to look in the mirror.

It turned out it was a girl in my class, named Caitlynn. Something had bitten her calf and it was covered in blood.

I was curious why Caitlynn got left behind. I'm sure in your mind you see the tour guide leading her to the nurse and you thought everyone would get it. Add a sentence in that shows Victoria seeing the tour guide leading Caitlynn to the nurse.

Other than that this was a phenomenal idea. You have potential. Expand. Expand. Expand. Please.
You're mad. Bonkers. Off your head. But I'll tell you a secret; all the best people are




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Gender None specified
Points 1047
Reviews 1
This is an extremely creative and engaging story. your descriptions are very good.




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Gender Female
Points 3740
Reviews 22
Thanks to all of you... But, I have edited this chapter and have reposted it as a novel, CHECK IT OUT! To make things clear, I will not edit this, but I will edit the novel...
ALL HAIL ATHENA!

"If you are mad at someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes." -Anonymous (I forgot)




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Points 30278
Reviews 482
Hey there, I'm Hawk and I'm here to review!

*Edit: Ugh, so I didn't read your very last post there; ignore this review if you like. -_-

Okay, so first off you've got a really good start here. Definitely got me wanting to read more!

Leaves rustled and I heard a shot. Pain coursed through my leg and I saw blood. The man who had shot me was masked and he had a bow and arrows strapped to his back.


When I first read this, I thought it was a gunshot. But now I'm guessing it'll be a bowshot, which means that you should describe the sound of the bowstring twanging a bit or the sound of the arrow whizzing through the air.

"Come on! You're gonna be late, Victoria!!!" My mom yelled from downstairs. My wavy brunette hair was in a mess and my eyes had bags under them. "Hurry up!"


First off, you don't need that many exclamation marks in the mom's dialogue. Secondly, what does the daughter's appearance have to do with the mom's yelling? It should be a separate paragraph, unless you can somehow tie it in to relate with what her mom's saying.

"Your class is leaving for the Blue Woods in fifteen minutes!" She yelled, scaring the cat.


So her yelling before didn't scare the cat, but now it does?

When I got downstairs, I grabbed an apple and a coke and ran to get my geography textbook. I stuffed the textbook, my cell phone, my home work, my jump drive, a notebook, a mechanical pencil, a camera, and my favorite chapstick in my backpack.


Oh, goodness. Do you really need to list everything here? You could simply say that she grabbed some items and then you can expand on what those items are later, when and if they come into play in the story.

I said goodbye to my mom and run up the steps.


Ran. ;)

Thank you for regarding this.


Seriously? "Regarding"? I'd simply use a word like "reading." Regarding sounds too formal.

I grabbed my camera out and started snapping pictures at Blue Lake, a lake close to Blue Wood, obviously.


There's a lot of repetition in here which you can definitely cut out.

The teacher yelled for everyone to buddy up and I partnered up with my best friend, Abigail.


Okay, so you could have mentioned the MC seeing her best friend and going over to talk, or speaking with her on the bus if they were riding it together. Abigail just seems to spring up out of nowhere here!

The boys looked like they couldn't care less, but we knew they were freaked out.


How, exactly, does she know they were? Something in their demeanor that gives it away? If so, mention it so the reader can tell, too!

After about 5 minutes,


Numbers less than 100 have to be written out.

It turned out it was a girl in my class, named Caitlynn. Something had bitten her calf and it was covered in blood. A tuft of fur was snagged on the bush. Wolves, I said under my breath. They're closer than I thought. The guide came up and told everyone that we should all go to our cabins quietly and quickly as to not disturb these dangerous and territorial canines.


Um, um, okay, so what happened to Caitlynn? Did the guide take care of her or what?

I hurried, with Abigail clutching to my arm, to the cabins and closed the door. 3 other girls were there, named Annica, Joslynn, and Vanessa. The room had 3 bunk beds (6 bunks), a few nightstands, 2 large lamps, a sink and mirror, and a box of flashlights. We all got our sleeping bags out and our pillows. We inspected the beds to make sure no bugs were in our sheets and climbed back down. It was 10:23 AM when Annica found a loose floorboard. We lifted it up to find a large drawing of a wolf. On the large canvas and under the large oil masterpiece, was a warning.


First off, this is a massive paragraph, and you're doing a lot of telling, not showing. Here's a great link about the difference between the two and how to avoid being too "telly."

Next, you list things off too quickly. It's all too much information for the reader to absorb in such a short time. You don't have to give the exact inventory of everything in the cabin. Also, as I mentioned before, write out all those numbers in word form.

I liked your poem and its foreboding tone; sounds like a werewolf story, eh?

'Kay, one other thing I noticed: you have some dialogue errors. Here's a great link that explains how to punctuate the dialogue properly; I use this link all the time. :D

So, a long review but hopefully it was of help to you. Again, I like this chapter and think you've got a good start to it. Keep up the good work, and please PM me if you've got any questions! :)
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle



Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
— Pablo Neruda