Smiling Sun-Chapter One

Chapter One:

I often find myself wondering how one persons life can go on and yet another persons can't. Is it really fair that Annie died before she had a chance to live her life but I'm allowed to live mine?

The annoying beeping of my alarm began to go off and I slammed my fist down on it, cracking the already splintered plastic. Snuggling back down into my bed I decided not to go to school today. Nobody would notice except Nana, but she doesn't come until after school gets out.

I allowed my eyes to close and the darkness to consume me, sending my body back to sleep.
***
"Get up hon. You've been home for what, ten minutes? Did you not sleep last night?" Nana pulled me out of bed and said

"Julie, sometimes" She didn't finish her sentence.

Instead she headed down the hall and opened up my mothers door "Skye, get your butt out of bed. I need to talk to you and Julie."

I heard muttering but didn't make out the words. But it was cut off by Nana's loud voice saying "I don't care if you didn't get any sleep last night. You had all day! Now get up, get up, get up!"

Nana left the room and mom came stumbling out behind her. When they went down the stairs I figured that I was supposed to follow them. By the time I got down Nana was sitting on the arm chair and mom was staring out the window into the rain.

"Skye, Julie, I have something I would like to tell you." Mom made no movement or response but Nana went on "It isn't healthy for Julie to live in this environment. I think that she should come to live with me."

I cringed at the thought of living with the happy, loud, cheerful Nana. She continued with "She's sixteen with no friends and no life. She needs to stop wallowing and get out into the world, which will be near impossible when she's living with you Skye!"

Crossing my arms I said "Nana, I don't want to live with you. I like livi-" Mom cut me off with "Go Julie."

I gave her a betrayed look and said "Mom, you haven't spoken to me in forever and the first thing you say is go?"

Mom fiddled with her necklace and said quietly "Julie, your going. I want to be alone."

Outraged I yelled "You've been alone for six years mom! How much more time do you need!?"

With that I walked out of the house and began running nowhere in particular.

Minutes, maybe even hours later I stopped and sat on a bus bench. As time slowly passed Nana's big pink truck came rumbling down the street, stopping in front of me. When I got in we drove quietly for a while.

Nana broke the silence and said "I didn't think that living with me would be that bad."

She sounded hurt but I did nothing to console her but say "I'll go." Better than being stuck with my mother I thought inwardly.

fictionfanatic wrote: Chapter One:

I often find myself wondering how one persons life can go on and yet another persons can't. Is it really fair that Annie died before she had a chance to live her life but I'm allowed to live mine?

To be honest, I'm unsure about this part. I think she should flat out say that she thinks it's unfair. Wait, is your MC a girl? I forgot. That's not a good thing. We need to know these things.

fictionfanatic wrote:The annoying beep#FF0000 ">ing of my alarm began to go off, so #FF0000 ">and I slammed my fist down on it, cracking the already splintered plastic. Snuggling back down into my bed, I decided not to go to school today. Nobody would notice except Nana, but she doesn't come until after school gets out.

#FF0000 ">Red = Delete
Blue = Add
Green = Confusing

fictionfanatic wrote:I allowed my eyes to close and the darkness to consume me, sending my body back to sleep.

The first part gave me the impression that her eyes have a mind of their own, and the whole "darkness to consume me" is overdone. I have read many books with this phrase.

fictionfanatic wrote:"Get up hon. You've been home for what, ten minutes? Did you not sleep last night?" Nana pulled me out of bed and said

"Julie, sometimes" She didn't finish her sentence.

What the heck went on there? That totally confused me. I still can't work out what happened.

fictionfanatic wrote:Instead she headed down the hall and opened up my mothers door "Skye, get your butt out of bed. I need to talk to you and Julie."

I'm really unsure who these characters are. Try not to throw too many names at us at once.

fictionfanatic wrote:I heard muttering but didn't make out the words. #FF0000 ">But it was cut off by Nana's loud voice #FF0000 ">saying "I don't care if you didn't get any sleep last night. You had all day! Now get up, get up, get up!"

Delete red. LOL at Nana's dialog, I thought that was very very realistic. I love dialog. Good dialog will keep me reading.

fictionfanatic wrote:Nana left the room and mom came stumbling out behind her. When they went down the stairs I figured that I was supposed to follow them. By the time I got down Nana was sitting on the arm chair and mom was staring out the window into the rain.

I think you could have given us more description on the rain, and perhaps some kind of mention to how the mom's emotions mirror the scene outside.

fictionfanatic wrote:"Skye, Julie, I have something I would like to tell you." Mom made no movement or response but Nana went on "It isn't healthy for Julie to live in this environment. I think that she should come to live with me."

That made me think the mom was talking.

fictionfanatic wrote:I cringed at the thought of living with the happy, loud, cheerful Nana. She continued with "She's sixteen with no friends and no life. She needs to stop wallowing and get out into the world, which will be near impossible when she's living with you Skye!"

Sounds like fun to me! You have to tell us why the MC thinks this is bad.

fictionfanatic wrote:Crossing my arms I said "Nana, I don't want to live with you. I like livi-" Mom cut me off with "Go Julie."

I gave her a betrayed look and said "Mom, you haven't spoken to me in forever and the first thing you say is go?"

Mom fiddled with her necklace and said quietly "Julie, your going. I want to be alone."

you're*

fictionfanatic wrote:Outraged, I yelled "You've been alone for six years mom! How much more time do you need!?"

You seem to forget commas a lot. One way to solve this issue is to read your work out loud, then you will know which parts need breaks.

fictionfanatic wrote:With that I walked out of the house and began running nowhere in particular.

Massive thing to happen in one line. Where is the emotion?

fictionfanatic wrote:Minutes, maybe even hours later I stopped and sat on a bus bench. As time slowly passed Nana's big pink truck came rumbling down the street, stopping in front of me. When I got in we drove quietly for a while.

Which? Also, again, too much is happening so quickly.

fictionfanatic wrote:Nana broke the silence and said "I didn't think that living with me would be that bad."

She sounded hurt but I did nothing to console her but say "I'll go." Better than being stuck with my mother I thought inwardly.

Aw, I love Nana! I really feel for her. Nice.

I want to see where this is going. I hope Nana doesn't die. xD

Evil

"Julie, sometimes" She didn't finish her sentence.

So I assume Nana is saying that, but it is unclear how she is saying that. Is she concerned?

But it was cut off by Nana's loud voice saying

Take out the but

"It isn't healthy for Julie to live in this environment

She might want to start with "I've thought about it a lot" so that it is less random.

I really like this and I'd love to read more! Good job!