Orpheus [Edited]

Thanks for all the helpful suggestions. Here's the revised version.

Orpheus

I look to my left;
there’s nothing there but
a stretch of sand, like snow -
pristine,
unbroken
in the dead light – it glistens
like powdered bone with the
iridescent hue of sightless,
sliced eyes.

I turn to my right;
there’s nothing there but
a steep embankment leading down
into a silent river,
and though it seems frozen
with its surface unearthly still,
I know just below,
it’s filled to the brim with
fire and souls.

The one direction that tugs my heart is
the one direction I must not face,
and that direction is
behind.
I dare not heed my heart for
the Queen in her mercy
gave but
one
direction:

"Look not behind you;
look back and lose her."

This I know,
but how can I hold my gaze forward
when behind me she cries?

Upon his barge and
just ahead, the boatman waits –
the song he hums without
breaking the silence the
toll I paid. He poles us
steady
across the fire-cold boundary
between the realms of
life and death, unperturbed by
the journey – he has made it many
times before.

We,
three,
reach the opposite shore
of mundane dirt, strangled
by its indifference,
and I can see the ghosts of light pass
the final bend in the tunnel – but
there is a splash behind me and
I hear her scream my name.

I turn back and look
and all I see
is her corpse

which turns to
dust

and Echo mocks me.

---

The first posted version under the spoiler.

Spoiler

I look to my left;
there’s nothing there but
a stretch of sand, like snow -
pristine,
unbroken
in the dead light – it glistens
like powdered bone with the
iridescent hue of sightless,
sliced eyes.

I turn to my right;
there’s nothing there but
a steep embankment leading down
into a silent river,
and though it seems frozen
with its surface unearthly still,
I know just below,
it’s filled to the brim with
fire and souls.

The one direction that tugs my heart is
the one direction I must not face,
and that direction is
behind.
I dare not heed my heart for
the Queen in her mercy
gave but
one
direction:

"Look not behind you;
look back and lose her."

This I know,
but how can I hold my gaze forward
when behind me she cries?

the boatman waits just ahead
and I board
having paid my toll with song already

we reach the opposite shore
and I can see the ghosts of living light pass
the bend in the tunnel but
there is a splash behind me and
I hear her scream my name

I turn back and look
and all I see
is her corpse

which turns to
dust

and there is nothing
left but death.

---

And just for a fun comparison, the first draft under the spoiler.

Spoiler

I turn to my left;
there’s nothing there but
a steep embankment leading down
into a frozen river.

I look to my right;
there’s nothing there but
a stretch of snow
pristine
unbroken
in the forever faded light -
the aftermath of eternal sundeath,
perpetual twilight.

I look to my front;
there’s the river ahead
and though it seems frozen
on the surface,
I know just below,
it’s filled to the brim with
fire and souls -
how else could water my burn lungs so?

The only direction I never face
is the one behind
though the only direction I ever heed
is that of my heart

Look back and you’ll lose her
this I know
but how can I only look forward
when behind me she cries?

The boatman waits just ahead
and I board
having paid my toll with song already

we reach the opposite shore
and I can see the light of life shining
just beyond the bend in the tunnel but
there is a splash behind me and
I hear her scream my name

I turn back and look
and all I see
is her corpse
which turns to dust.

Wooooow. That is really all I can say. I am not really someone who is good at reviewing the punctuation or format but wording I can to. Your poem is beautiful and full of pain and emotion. You used very clear imagery and fairly good wording. I don't know if I am right but the poem came across as written for the one you "loved and lost". This poem is sawesome, you are a beautiful writer. I am confused with the title though, what does Orpheus have to do with this poem? [Forgive me if that sounded clueless, hahah, I know he is a Greek god, but nothing else. xD]
Anyways, I liked the poem and think you have talent. Keep writing.
-Jem

What this reminds me of is the bit in the Bible when God destroyed a city, saving only Lot and his family. He told them not to look back, but Lot's wife did, and she turned to a pillar of salt. (Genesis 19:15-28) I get that this is about Orpheus and Eurydice, but that was the first thing that sprung to mind.

Anyway, I really enjoyed this. It's full of emotion, and you've told the story beautifully. My only real criticism is that you keep saying "I hear her", straying into telling rather than showing a little. This could be drawn out a lot more, and it could really work if done right.

Other than that, I love this. It really has improved since your first draft, and I can see it improving a lot more with a little development.

Hope I helped!
~Grin

Hey Kyllorac!

Here I am. Gah! This is good; really good. The images are really beautiful.

You did really well, I think, in communicating the story. I know you gave me the basic run-down on Orpheus and Eurydice in chat, but even if that had not happened, it still would have been understandable for me. So kudos on that and the imagery!

So, there were a few places that got a little weird. First thing I noticed was that from "the boatman waits just ahead" to the end, you didn't punctuate or capitalize (except for you I's) at all. It just comes off as a really abrupt change. However, also it makes it have sort of a rushed and frantic feel, which I think is appropriate. But you might try reading this part again; there might be something you feel you could do to pull off the same effect and make it less weird.

"and there is nothing / but death." To me, it sounds a little bit redundant. Well, you've already mentioned her corpse, and that it's turned to dust, so you figure she's dead, right? And then, you mention the river is filled with souls and fire, so you figure that it's pretty much full of the dead, too. Could be me just being too logical. I'd be okay with ending the poem at her turning to dust.

Another weird spot:
[quote]The one direction that tugs my heart is
the one direction I must not face,
and that direction is
behind.[/quote.}
The last two lines. Mainly because of the next-to-last line. My suggestion for it would be:
The one direction that tugs my heart is
the one direction I must not face--
behind.
Just because repeating about the direction gets, well, repetitive.

But really, other than that, I have no issues. Everything flowed nicely and what I said in the opening of this critique still stands.

Really nice work, Kyll. I wish I could be more helpful, but here's hoping I at least helped some.
Take care!
Freyja

P.S. Sliced eyes, (I got it this time around. I may have been too tired to last night.)

Hey Ky.

I want to like this poem. Really, I want to like it. There's beautiful imagery and there's a lot of subtlety woven in with some of the wording, and the line breaks also add in more meaning.

There just seems to be so much missing here I can't get into it. Some of it, I'm sure, is the fact I'm not familiar with this particular myth, but even then I know enough about Greek mythology to piece a few things together. The hero must go to Hadies in order to rescue his loved one, and he's been given advice by either a mortal queen or a goddess.

But I just find you lose something in the middle of the poem. I think it starts at this stanza:

the boatman waits just ahead
and I board
having paid my toll with song already

You go from beautiful imagery, nuanced lines, tugging at our heartstrings that he's got to press forward without looking back or he loses it all— to a simple transition stanza that introduces two new concepts previously unintroduced (which is jarring. The two concepts being having to pay with song and the boatman. The boatman is not as jarring as having to pay with song). This also doesn't seem to do much of anything other than start the character moving from one place to the next, which makes it weak.

And then you confused me again with this stanza:

we reach the opposite shore
and I can see the ghosts of living light pass
the bend in the tunnel

Just... your imagery here does not compute in my head. What tunnel? What living light? This could be where my lack of knowledge in Greek mythology glares through but do you really want this poem to be readable by only those who know Greek myth well?

Really, these three lines are what killed the poem for me. The images come out of nowhere while there's not enough time to process what happened in these lines or why he'd even take note of this stuff. Does he need to find her ghost? That's my guess, but you never confirm it to me.

These lines are also the first that hint at the depth/end of his quest. They are glazed over rather quickly when you could remind us how hard this quest is for him after that weak transition. By telling us how close he is right before her death it makes it harder on him, and, as a result, harder on us.

The rest of the poem was pretty good. Although I did wonder what he was thinking when he turned around. "Turned" seems like the wrong word to use here, if only because it implies he did it slowly. In order for him to forget the Queen's warning he'd need to forget himself and turn on instinct. This is assumed, but because I wasn't in the flow of the poem (see above comments) I didn't apply that assumption. I just wondered what he was thinking.

You have your creepy moments here. The opening and closing, to be exact. But the rest could use it's share of work.

Drop me a line with questions/comments.

~Rosey

Definitely enjoyed this it portrayed a very captivating story and was easy to follow. The only type of reviewing I might suggest would be the coma usage but hey, I really don't know anything about it I just thought it looked a little funny sometimes so it's just a suggestion lol, keep writing!

Hi Kyllorac,

Here's the review you requested

First, I have to gush over how much I enjoyed this. Greek mythology (and poetry which alludes to it) makes me very happy, and not only was this one of my favourite myths but it was also really well done. I love the first two stanzas absolutely, particularly "the iridescent hue of sightless, sliced eyes." Creepy!

However, I found the part from "The one direction..." to "when behind me she cries" a little awkward. It just didn't seem to fit the flow somehow. I'm not quite sure what you could do about that; perhaps trim it down a little. The direct dialogue ("look not behind you") was good, but I found most of that portion to be a bit repetitive, slowing down the story. Perhaps you could even remove it altogether and work on subtly implying the command in other ways. It's up to you.

One thing I also think you need to look at is the punctuation; you don't really need a comma after "just below" or "We, three," for example. Also, some of the line breaks strike me as a bit too showy ("we, three" again). It feels like they're just there to impress the reader, which is completely unnecessary because the poem does it for you!

I absolutely adore the ending. The line breaks are perfect, and that last line is extremely effective. Well done! I can see why this is your favourite poem

Cheers,
~bubbles