Separation Sorrow.

Definitely one of my worst poems... It's supposed to be about divorce, but I think that it's about friendship now that I read it over.



How long has it been?
Years and years.
Yet we have never been through
Misfortune, and tears.
Only acquainted
As we began.
Now we shall always be there,
That's a plan.

We started at young,
We were immature.
We never knew what
We would endure.
We met again
What was the lost of a friend
Our fellowship shall never
Come to an end.

We celebrate
What we now await.
Our future, when we may
Separate.
Now I ask to prepare
For what may be lost.
I will gasp for air
In this river of frost.

Before I miss the chance
I inform I'll hide
When we are no longer
Side by side.

Hello there
This was not bad at all. My only problem was that I felt it lacked some emotion, just a little bit. But that was it. I liked this poem because it was well written, the rhyming was not tacky at all and the last stanza just blew me away. From my point of view, I think that this poem talks about divorce in it's own way. I mean yeah, there are friendship elements in it but I see the friendship part as poetic. People who divorce will always have a connection, that's where the friendship comes in. And last stanza where you said you will hide, it clearly shows that there is some separation going to happen and thus the writer cannot handle it. In fact all of the stanzas draw a picture of separation in my mind.
Good job

Hi xjpalladinix,

Welcome to YWS! Don't forget to leave some reviews and get acquainted with the other members; I'm sure they'll be pleased to meet you!

Re: your poem, I really liked the bouncy rhythm and the rhyme scheme - you pulled it off fairly well without too much struggling, which is always nice to see. I did feel there were a few things that bothered me, however. Firstly, as ziggiefred says, it is rather lacking in emotion. A lot of poems addressed to an external "you" have the problem of excluding the reader, as we don't know who this person is or the backstory behind the relationship. It's very insular, you know? So it might pay to draw the reader in a little, either with further revelations or using some more literary devices to get us to feel along with the narrator rather than just observe.

Secondly, punctuation. Poetry doesn't need each line to begin with a capital letter; just each sentence (and not even that if you feel like being rebellious, although it's generally preferred). However, it does require careful punctuation in order to make sure the reader knows what's going on. I think your punctuation needs a little tidying up.

And finally, the poem is kind of cliche. It doesn't really tell us much that's new or interesting. Perhaps next time you could try thinking of some different ideas to really make the concept your own.

Hope that helps. Keep writing!

Cheers,
~bubbles