The Runaway (Chapter2)

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“Be back soon mother,” I cried through the front door as we started into town. Adam trailed behind me as I left my front yard. I headed left down the street, not bothering to walk next to him.

He soon caught up to my fast pace. I surveyed his outfit. He was wearing a casual white shirt with black pants, made out of some material I had never seen a man wear before. “That’s an odd thing for a Kings servant to wear.”

“I am not his servant.” He said nonchalantly.

“Right, you’re his mule.” I sped up, but his legs, being longer than mine, kept up without trying.

“Sabrina,” he took my arm to stop me on this barren dirt road; I lived quite far from town. “Why do you resent me so much?” His eyes were earnest, and I felt as though he was actually hurt.

“I- I do not resent you…” I stared into his light eyes, “I-I am just trying to figure you out.” He gently let go of my arm. I wished he didn’t let go; his fingers were so soft, and warm.

“You have nothing to figure out.” He rubbed my arm where he loosely held it, as if apologizing.

I nodded and pressed on, keeping without conversation till we reached the town. A half a dozen people were idly chatting, taking a moment out of their not-so-busy lives to catch up on the latest news. There were only a few buildings in our town. On the left side of road supply store, where farmers went to see their crops, a small bookstore, and my uncle’s bar, which most of the towns-people were standing around. On the right was the town barber, where I had never been since my mother cut my hair, and a small clothing store. These shops were the last you could visit before treading the Mountains. The town was small, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I shrugged, “Well, it’s not much, but, you know-“

“I think it’s beautiful.” He looked at me. I started forward, wishing to avoid his piercing gaze.

“Did you want to see anything?”

“I’ll just follow you,” but I had not heard his comment. I was preoccupied with the fact my fiancé was staring at me, looking more hurt than I have ever seen him before. He stood watching me in front of the library, a small book in hand.

“Well, I, uh, need to make a private stop at the Library. Why don’t you go to my Uncles bar and, uh, say hello.” I ran off to John, leaving Adam and his gaping jaw to himself. He watched for a minute, I noticed, but soon slouched over to the bar.

“John,” he stood leaning against the library’s front window.

“Who is he?” John nodded toward Adam, who was pacing back and forth in front of the bar.

“The Kings servant. He’s just passing by; my mother invited him to stay with us...”

“Maybe you should stay with me while he is here.” He stared at Adam, his eyes freezing over.

“What good will that do? Leave my mother alone with a stranger?” I was shocked at his idiotic suggestion. Usually John was so calm and sincere. Why had he let his raging jealousy take over?

“Your right, I’m sorry. How are you? Have you thought about us?”

I nodded. “I want to marry you, John. I just don’t know how badly I wish to, and if it is enough. I mean, I am only eighteen; you nineteen… are we rushing too much? We are a little young to be thinking of marriage, aren’t we?”

John shook his head, “My love for you matters more than age.” He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulled me in and gently kissed me on the cheek. He slowly backed up, making sure to look over my shoulder. I turned my head to see that he was watching Adam. I pushed away, “What are you doing?”

“He looks at you funny…” John took hold of my shoulders. “Can I come over for dinner tonight?”
"John, my mother still doesn’t want you in our house…”

He nodded, “Well, we need to discuss wedding plans. I want to marry you as soon as possible.”

“I will come see you soon.”

“Goodbye, my Sabrina.”

As he walked off towards his home, John shot a nasty look at Adam. But, Adam wasn’t fazed. He walked over to me, smiling as if nothing were wrong.

“So, ready to go back?” With Adam by my side, I headed in the opposite direction of John. And for some reason, was happy about it.


Short, Short, Short! Oh well, it is one of my favorite chapters.




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In this chapter I think you've nailed John's personality. I wasn't quite sure what to make of him in chapter one, but now I can see what he's like, and why Sabrina is erring towards Adam.

Speaking of Sabrina, she's got a great voice. I'm still not sure what Adam's like apart from being a little cocky. He's the one to work on.

On the left side of the road was a supply store, where farmers went to seesell their crops, a small bookstore, and my uncle’s bar, which most of the towns-people were standing around.

A few corrections. I'd also consider re-writing this as it reads a bit like a shopping list at the moment. Show don't tell.

“I think it’s beautiful.” He looked at me. I started forward, wishing to avoid his piercing gaze.

I don't see how starting forward helps to avoid someone's gaze, unless they're already facing away from said person - in which case they wouldn't need to avoid their gaze.

looking more hurt than I have ever seen him before.

This is good. He's hurt just because she's walking with another guy. It shows he's insecure.

“John,” he stood leaning against the library’s front window.

You only put a comma after speech if you use a speech tag like "said" or "asked". In this case use a full stop becasue you go directly into John's actions.

Why had he let his raging jealousy take over?

Raging isn't the right word. That would imply he's getting all angry. Cold jealousy or something similar would be more appropriate.

“I want to marry you, John. I just don’t know how badly I wish to, and if it is enough.

The "I don't want to marry you" subtext here, in conjunction with her being with this other guy would be sending John very clear messages. He'd have to be an idiot not to pick up on this. And even if he is an idiot, Sabrina would have to be an idiot to be so unsubtle.

With Adam by my side, I headed in the opposite direction of John. And for some reason, was happy about it.

This is an excellent closing line. It kind of sums it all up.

As one last note, the setting in this chapter could do with some work. The description of which buildings were on which sides of the street were all bundled together in one paragraph, and the rest was all dialogue. A good thing to do is make the setting in some way mirror the plot. For example, a gathering storm will nicely compliment an inevitable battle. Sun coming out from behind a black cloud could symbolise good winning out over evil, and vines wrapped tightly around trees could portray a sense of cluastrophobia. The setting contributes a lot to the atmosphere, but is something easily overlooked (especially by me).

Another great chapter. Short, but by no means worse off for it.
Q: Where do you go to buy shoes?

A: At the shoez canal, lol.




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Hi
Your story is becoming more and more interesting day by day. I loved this chapter!
I have just one question:
In the last chapter you had mentioned that Sabrina’s mother was happy that she was getting married to John, but then why doesn’t she want him in her house? Can you please PM me the answer?

I found a little error-
On the right was the town barber, where I had never been since my mother cut my hair, and a small clothing store.

You've used 'since' here which makes it sound quite different from what you actually want to show. Maybe if you use 'because' here, it will sound better.
I am really excited to know what will happen next. Do post the next chapter quickly!
Enjoy every moment of your life; you never know when it might come to an end...




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Hmmm... I think John has an ulterior motive for marrying Sabrina! He wants to marry her so quickly...well, he could just be the jealous type! I love that his personality has come out in this chapter, I can see why you liked it so much. I'm not sure why, but I kept getting the image of a Western movie in my head when I read this one. I loved it too though!! I couldn't pick up on many more errors, but I do think that this chapter needs to be a bit longer. I'd love more of a description of the town - is the backdrop the Comanche Mountains? Is it all stone, brick or wood? What sort of people are the townsfolk? Do they use horses or other transportation methods? Are there markets? What is the main reason for the town being there? The library - I'd love a description of this as she's walking up to it.

Well done once again!!
I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity.
Chaucer, A Knight's Tale

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.
Oscar Wilde



But sometimes a hypocrite is nothing more than a person who is in the process of changing.
— Dalinar (Oathbringer by Brandon Sanderson)