Smiling Sun-Prologue

Prologue:

The door creaked open and Annie tiptoed across the floor. She began poking my arm trying to wake me up, even though I was already awake.

"Julie," she whispered "can I sleep with you? I don't want to be alone tonight"

Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I said through a yawn "Annie, you've been sleeping alone for three years."

Shifting from one foot to the other she said "I feel funny. I don't want to be alone."

Giving a sigh I opened the blanket up for her and she crawled in, wrapping her arms around me.
~~~~~~~
That night Annie died. June 21st, 2002. Age five. Still today, eight years later, we don't know why she died. We could have found out if we wanted to, but my mother refused to let them cut open her dead daughter.

Since that night everything changed. My mother stopped speaking, my father grew angry easily and eventually left us, and my older brother looks at me now as if it was my fault.

fictionfanatic wrote:"Julie," she whispered "can I sleep with you? I don't want to be alone tonight"

First, after "she whispered" there needs to be a comma, and after tonight there should be a period or some type of punctuation.

fictionfanatic wrote:Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I said through a yawn "Annie, you've been sleeping alone for three years."

I would put a comma after "eyes". It will make the sentence flow more smoothly. And a comma after "yawn" because before you put any type of dialogue you should always put some type of punctuation before. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.

fictionfanatic wrote:Giving a sigh I opened the blanket up

Comma after "sigh"

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Mk, I'm kind of interested. You put this under fan fiction, but I'm not sure what book/movie this is built off of.

Make sure to write more, and explain your prologue.

Keep writing.

-ThisIsMe

fictionfanatic wrote:Prologue:

The door creaked open and Annie tiptoed across the floor. She began poking my arm trying to wake me up, even though I was already awake.

The first sentence made this story seem like it was written in third person. When I reached the word 'my' I had to stop reading because I became a little confused. I think you should clarify that this story is first person right away.

fictionfanatic wrote:"Julie," she whispered "can I sleep with you? I don't want to be alone tonight"

Okay, so I'm a child. This made me laugh. You must change that line.

fictionfanatic wrote:Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I said through a yawn "Annie, you've been sleeping alone for three years."

Again, the sentence before this seemed like it was third person, it's almost as if you're switching from each, but you're not. It's still unclear, however. I suggest you say something like "she whispered to me" or something so that you remind us it's first person.

fictionfanatic wrote:Shifting from one foot to the other she said "I feel funny. I don't want to be alone."

Giving a sigh I opened the blanket up for her and she crawled in, wrapping her arms around me.

I sighed, lifting the blanket so she could crawl inside. That would sound better than 'giving'.

fictionfanatic wrote:That night Annie died. June 21st, 2002. Age five. Still today, eight years later, we don't know why she died. We could have found out if we wanted to, but my mother refused to let them cut open her dead daughter.

That seems very unrealistic. I believe that if she died under unusual circumstances, an investigation would have to take place to determine how she died, regardless of what the mother said. Either way, they would definitely find out. That's absurd.

fictionfanatic wrote:Since that night everything changed. My mother stopped speaking, my father grew angry easily and eventually left us, and my older brother looks at me now as if it was my fault.

A lot is going on here, but you describe it so briefly. Also, you need a comma after 'night', because I was lost without it.

I'm not going to say much more, because it was so short and I want to give this a chance. I believe I saw a chapter one, too. See you there!

Evil