Memoirs of a Badass

I've been working on this for a while now. It's about a drug dealer who's an isolated loner....there's more to the storyline, i'm just not good at putting things into words

I was waiting for a customer. It was chilly outside and I was freezing my ass off. Jones Town always had the harshest weather. Perhaps it was a consequence for naming our town after some crummy basketball player who never visits.

Damien Jones was born here and he was an “all-star” basketball player who made it big and got into the NBA. The people were so happy they named our town after him. Now to tell the truth, he wasn’t that good. But once you’re the birthplace for an athlete things change.
So now we have malls, restaurants and a school named after the guy. It was really ridiculous.

My customer was heading my way. I knew him pretty well because I sell to him twice a week. It’s always the same thing, a dime bag. His name was Deon Grey, he said the weed helped him focus and think. I never hung out with him, so I couldn’t say if the drugs really made him focus and think.

“Yo Keith!” he shouted my name as if he were a block away instead of right in front of me.
“The usual,” I said as I looked at him.
“Um,” he began to think as if he wanted to try something new. But we both knew that he wasn’t going to change up on me.
“Yeah, the usual,” Deon shrugged with a smile.

I shrugged and pulled out my green baggy and handed it to him as he handed me the money. The deal was done; I was getting ready to leave.

“Hey,” Deon stopped me in my tracks. I turned around and faced him. “You do your chem. homework?”

We went to the same school. We just didn’t hang out in the same group, to be factual, he had friends, I didn’t.

“Yeah.” I nodded.
“Can I borrow it?” Deon asked as he fidgeted with his baggy. He seemed nervous; I intimidated most of my customers. It was probably because I was black and a drug dealer. Those two things were very scary to some.
“If I see you I’ll give it to you,” I shrugged.
“Thanks,” Deon turned and left first.

I pulled my coat on tighter and headed home.

I lived in a sub-division; all the houses were made from brick on the outside. Most of the tenants had money, the houses were too put together to lease to the poor.

As I passed my neighbor’s house I saw that the upstairs window was open. I could see Desireé; she was sitting in front of her mirror brushing her long hair. She went to my school too, and she was in my grade. Even though we were neighbors we didn’t really talk. I liked being alone, I was able to my collect my thoughts.

I headed inside my house. The smell of pork chops frying in the pan stung my nose.

My little brother ran by me up the staircase.

“Kevin Ezekiel Erb! How many times do I have to tell you not to run in my house!” my mom yelled as she walked up to the staircase. She suddenly noticed me. “Keith? Where’ve you been?”

My mom didn’t know about the drugs. I wasn’t dumb enough to keep them in the house.

“Out.” I said as I headed up the staircase.
She grabbed my arm. “Where exactly is out?”
I turned and nodded to the door. “Out there.”
She gave me her look of irritation. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “You’re father’s going to love this one.”

My father didn’t know about the drugs either.

I ignored her and headed up to my room in the attic. I locked my door and headed over to my safe. I put in the combination: 3-6-23. I opened the door and pulled out my tin box. The box was locked; I wore the key around my neck for safekeeping.

I unlocked the box and pulled out my cash. With Deon’s cash my new total was now $90,560.59. I was only eighteen and I was pulling a five-figure job. I was saving my money to go to Europe. I remember being in the eighth grade and being fascinated with European art, there was always a story behind it, like with the Greek gods. So I started saving money to go to Europe to see the original paintings and what not. I guess it sounds crazy to say I started selling drugs to go see art in Europe. That was partially the reason. The other reason was just to have a hobby and keep busy. It was strange, but that was it.

I added the ten dollars to one of the stacks. I made sure I kept my money locked tight so I could keep thieves out. I was going to Europe no matter what. Nothing was going to hold me back.

Wow, that was nice! It's always great to see a story evolve through a different sort of character's perspective - not a rich kid, or a brainiac, or a kid with superpowers...just a (mostly) normal kid with a (mostly) normal life.

Anyways, this interests me. If you write more, make sure to let me know!

- G

Very nice, kept me intrigued until the end. I've love to see more added--maybe finally realizing that dream of going to Europe or hitting a snag along the way? I wish I had that much money, UGH.

The ONLY gripe I have with it is the word "stung" when talking about the smell of pork chops. When I see that, I just think that the narrator's nose just got hit or something. If the smell of the food is noxious to the narrator, I can understand using that word however. Regardless, very clean writing and a clear tone. Awesome.

Hey Wheadee.

So... drug dealers. That's pretty tough stuff to write. I can't really get a feel of your MC right now; he seems too contradictory. You didn't make him the all out, hard core badass, but nor he is just your regular nice kid. While somewhere between the two could make a pretty interesting character, I feel like right now you have pieces of both rather than a solidly defined character somewhere in the middle.

First of all, his voice. If he is supposed to be a badass, or even a drug dealer, I think he needs a stronger voice. More slang, more cussing, not that you have to go overboard, but give him the voiceee of a badass at least. It doesn't mean he has to be evil or bad or anything now that he has that voice, but I feel that it would make him more genuine. And it would be way more interesting to read, if he had that street wise voice, and then slowly you revealed details to show more of his complexity - that he liked things like European art.

I was waiting for a customer. It was chilly outside and I was freezing my ass off. Jones Town always had the harshest weather. Perhaps it was a consequence for naming our town after some crummy basketball player who never visits.

I'm gonna try to show you what I mean by changing his voice. First of all, the word "customer" just brings to mind like retail shopping and convenience stores and that kinda thing. That's what I immediately thought of when I read that; I don't think it well-befits this scene. Don't know what to replace it with though, sorry. And then "harshest" maybe sounds too formal. And then, most importantly, I'd advise you to up "crummy" to "shitty", especially if he says "ass" right before. Oh, and "perhaps it was a consequence"? No. Too formal.

It’s always the same thing, a dime bag. His name was Deon Grey, he said the weed helped him focus and think. I never hung out with him, so I couldn’t say if the drugs really made him focus and think.

Don't dumb it down for us . First two can stay, but change "the drugs" to "it" or "they". And way too repetitive with the double "focus and think".



So back to the voice... I'm not saying all drug dealers need to have it. I've been friends with plenty of stoners and I know a few of them who deal, and they don't talk like that, but I think that's more of the thing: they're just stoners who deal, they're not "drug dealers". (I know that made no sense literally, but hopefully you get what I mean. There's different types.) Anyway, I feel that your MC is meant to be a "drug dealer" of the hard core type, of the image that comes to mind when you think "drug dealer", especially considering this paragraph:

“Can I borrow it?” Deon asked as he fidgeted with his baggy. He seemed nervous; I intimidated most of my customers. It was probably because I was black and a drug dealer. Those two things were very scary to some.

Which, by the way, I don't like that paragraph. Too cliche, too much telling rather than showing. And does this mean there's not many black people in his town? That's the vibe I got from reading this.


Sorry, I've ripped this apart much more than I meant too, but that's just because I'm never sure if I explained things right. So, hopefully you got what I meant and hopefully some of this is helpful to you. It's just right now, I can't get a gripe on your MC. Anyway, this has review has been mostly about the discrepancies/negatives, but there were many good things about it. It's easy to read, got a nice flow, has an intriguing premise, etc etc; I just chose to focus on what felt off to me. Good luck, PM me if you have any questions or anything.