twice denied

running down cobbled streets,
did you see the fading lanterns?
knocked and broken in retreat,
everyone shut their doors.

pounding echoes of vibration,
the oxygen was inhaled and all
the crooks ran without hesitation,
red tears flooded the tunnels.

tick tock. bated breath
for the invaders are seconds away,
hounds of love can smell death
from your eyes; beautiful blues

stare into nothing but winter,
frozen but still moving. like spring
melting the snow, your lips deliver
the faintest touch...

echoes are no longer, shadows become
brighter, you know you want her

Er... one comment. This doesn't seem to fit in: "from your eyes; beautiful blues"

I think it's because the word "blues" sounds kind of awkward on the end.

Otherwise, I liked it.

Ah, très magnifique. (And the French's not meant as an insult...)

The last stanza is really cool, have to give you that.

I'm pretty ambivalent about this. You built tension extraordinarily well in the beginning, but lost it as your tone became more romantic. Actually, I felt kinda broadsided by the change. Perhaps you could establish the presence of "her" as being in this place of danger, so I know how the two relate.

Beautiful imagery. A few run-ons (of which I am often guilty in poetry!) and misplaced commas muddied the picture a bit. For example:

running down cobbled streets,
did you see the fading lanterns?
knocked and broken in retreat,
everyone shut their doors.

Is "everyone", are the" lanterns", or are the "doors" "knocked down and broken".

As usual, I want to see this progress further because it is a great start.

hmm..

first stanza, last line. Can I assume you know what you're doing with this? It sounds a bit misplaced, but it goes along with the third stanza, last line (which I happen to like..) and the last stanza, last line (which I don't like).

I think my dislike of the last line comes from the abruptness of it. while you have been seemingly leading up to that line, it's still very "hey, look at me, I'm the point of this"-ish.. basically I think you can make that better. not smoother, per se, but more fitting to the poem.

only other nit-pick (er.. opinion, rather) is the use of "love" in the third stanza, third line. Just doesn't seem well placed.. ah well.

and I think Sam said it. muy bien (only I don't particularly care for french )

I love the imagery you use. The only problem I see is the last three lines of the first stanza. It seems sort of awkward/confusing. I think it would make more sense if you put the question mark at the end of the third line...or something like that. Then again, maybe I'm just confused about what you're trying to say in that stanza (which is vrey possible).

Overall, I really like this. Keep up the good work!