Romel

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It has been awhile since my last post online, but I still think the quality is there.

Enjoy ~ Hiadel

Romel

Two black brothers sat on a window talking about the trip they were planning. The moon could bee seen through the window and clouds helped cover parts of the night sky.
"Don't worry Romel, we will leave in the morning. Nothing is going to get to us tonight. Now get some rest before the sun comes up."
"I'm telling you there's something out there. We're not safe here." Romel said with a tinge of fear.
"Why do you have to be so paraniod? Nothing is going to happen. We're just in a small bedroom. What can get to us here?"
"Well, I guess your right. But I still wouldn't leave my guard down if I were you."
-------
Romel was right. There was something waiting for them, and that something was me. I was easedropping on the entire conversation about a foot away from their seats on the window's glass. All evening I had spent my time slowly creeping up on them. Moving one leg at a time as quietly as possible across the clear glass I made sure not to give myself away and frighten them away. Taking a few more steps I was now only about six inches away from them. I could see their small wings flapping and their long straw shapped mouths. Romel had a delicately trimmed wings, and his brother looked fat and juicy. They were the ideal feast for me tonight. Picturing in my head the process of munching on them made me drool. I must have them!
Enough dreaming though. It was time to strike; time to earn my meal for the day. Springing forward I launched myslef up the window to take down the two brothers. Romel realized what was happening and flew off in time before I was able to wrap my legs around him. His brother wasn't as lucky though. He turned his head towards me as I came to him, and immediatley tried to launch himself up in the air also. By that time though my body was already upon him. We tumbeled to the window's ledge where I took my legs and punctured his outsides, letting him die before eating him.
Starting to eat my meal I glanced up momentarily to check on where Romel had flown off to. First he had flown to the opposite side of the small bedroom where a large wooden dresser sat. Then he took off again and flew around picture frames that occupied the side opposite the doorway that connected the bedroom to the rest of the house.
Romel's brother was tasty but left my stomach longing for more. All I had left to eat were his wings, and my appetite still called for more.
Once I was done with the body I started the long journey across the room towards the bed. It wasn't very far because the window I had eaten my meal on was dirrectly above the bed. All I had to do was climb down and scale the small expanse of wall covered with heavy paint and I'd be at the headboard of the bed. Then I could craw along the covers and get to the foot of the bed, where I'd have Romel trapped. He wouldn't be able to travel very far from me if I could place myself at the center of the room. Mabye he'll panic and tire himself out by flying around in circles trying to convince himself that he can keep himself away from me.
I was on my way down the side of the wall towards the headboard when I heard someone enter the room. Freezing in my steps I watched as she came in and started to ready herself for bed. She had on a long flowing nightgown and seemed ready to fall asleep standing up. Her black hair crawled up her gown and cascaded down her face to where it met her green eyes, which had red rings around them. As if in a trance she floated through the small room and settled herself down in bed. The light on the bedside table went out and so did her eyes. Now silence filled the air again, with the exception of her snoring.
Her mouth clicked back like a grasshopper with each release of rythme. It would draw out like an acordian would, winding itself slowly open, and then close up again to where her lips would almost be touching.
That worried me for a second. I thought she was going to ruin everything. The last time we met things had not gone down so well. She had rushed to the kitchen to grab a few sprays to kill me, and I had just narrowly escaped with my life by retreating underneath her bed to where she couldn't find me. Thankfully that wasn't going to happen tonight. It was just going to be a dance between Romel and I.
Edging onto the bed I started my journy across the covers. The woman's body underneath the bed's surface created arching mountains and deep valleys of cloth for me to walk over. On my way to the opposite side of the bed Romel flew over head. He seemed to fly in disoriented patterns across the room's sky. Landing on the womans sleeping face he edged himself along the corners of her mouth. On a long musical note he took off from her cheek and made his way into her mouth. Fanishing into the dark hole I watched the rest of my meal vanish. Not tonight! I'm not going to let him get away that easily.
With determinaion flooding through my exoskeleton I crawled back to the womans head. Once there I went up her neck and made my way to the tips of her lips. Looking over the edge I could see her teeth and throat filling a seemingly bottomless empty space. Romel sat on her uvula, giving me a cold dark stare. He didn't move from his spot; partially because he knew I couldn't reach that far into her mouth without risking the possibility of falling in. I still wanted him though. The prize was there for the taking, all I had to do was take the chance. Taking one of my legs I stretched it as far as I could towards him in her mouth to gauge the distance he was from me. While my leg was out the woman let out a quick cough and I lost my balance. Falling into the bottomless pit that was her mouth I streched out my legs as wide as I could and caught Romel on my way into the darkness.
-----
The door to the bedroom opened a few hours later to let a buisness man through. Setting his briefcase down by the wooden dresser he made his way over to the bed. Neeling down he gave his wife a quick kiss on the lips and went back to the wooden dresser to change out of his work clothes. While he was taking off his watch and putting it away he thought of the taste he had picked up while brushing his wife's lips. He couldn't put a word to it, there was definitely something diffrent about it. He liked it.
Last edited by Hiadel on Sun Jun 06, 2010 6:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
Writing is the magical release of emotion from your fingertips. Why on earth do people wish to be wizards when you have writing!




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Hi there, Hiadel. The names Lily and it’s nice to make your acquaintance. *shakes hands*
So, I have some nitpicks!

Not get some rest before the sun comes up.


I think you meant ‘Now’ but it was likely just a little typo.

I'm telling you, theres something out there.


You need an apostrophe here.

But I stil wouldn't leave my guard down if I were you.


‘still’?

All evening I've spent my time slowly creeping up on them.


This is really saying “I have” but that’s present tense and you’re writing in past tense so you should have “I’d” here instead, which boils down to “I had.”


Okay, so there were multiple grammar issues and misspellings in this. You should really try using a smell spell checker like that little button in the top right hand corner of the post submission page. Well, it’s somewhere but it’s really useful. Also, take the time to re-read this and search for places where you may have typed the wrong word or missed a grammar mark.

I was really shocked though to realize that these weren’t people. Like, it took me a long time actually to realize that these were bugs, not people. I think, near the beginning, you probably should have cleared it up this fact a little.

But still, a unique story. It’s always fun to read things that aren’t about people. Good job!

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




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Hey Hiadel,

I'm Tanya, here for a review!

I was easedropping on the entire conversation about a foot away from their seats on the window's glass.
eavesdropping

Moving one leg at a time as quietly as possible across the clear glass I made sure not to give myself away and frighten them away.
You say 'away' way too often here. Maybe you could simply cut out the last one. And maybe you could mention why it's important that this person/thing move so slowly. Is it because the brothers have sharper hearing than normal people? Keener eyesight? If yes, you should mention this right away because personally I wouldn't hear someone simply walking outside.

It would draw out like an acordian would, winding itself slowly open,
accordian

Edging onto the bed I started my journy across the covers
journey

Fanishing into the dark hole I watched the rest of my meal vanish
huh? Fanishing? You mean vanishing? I would highly suggest another word since you already have 'vanish' here.

Ok, well, this was creepy and interesting lol. seriously, I enjoyed it but lilymoore was right; you need to work on your spell check. There's nothing that puts a reader off more than that, I think. One more suggestion? Please divide this into paragraphs, it makes for an interesting read.

I'd love for you to PM me whent he next chapter is up because I really do enjoy what you have here, writing from a bug's point of view. Not sure yet how it fits in fantasy, but I'm game, I'm willing to read it through, if every chapter is as interesting as this one.

Keep up the good work!
Tanya :D




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Hello! I thought I would review your piece today.

So, just some "big idea" things I would think about.

Starting to eat my meal I glanced up momentarily to check on where Romel had flown off to. First he had flown to the opposite side of the small bedroom where a large wooden dresser sat. Then he took off again and flew around picture frames that occupied the side opposite the doorway that connected the bedroom to the rest of the house.


You spend allot of words explaining the spatial relationships within the room, the locations of your two main characters, the textures and shapes within their way etc. I don't think this adds much to mood/theme of your story, and could be condensed to a few essential details. It can be tiring for the reader to try and decipher from the words where everyone is in the room. Also, you want to make sure every detail in your story adds something, and is entirely necessary, less is more as they say.


Picturing in my head the process of munching on them made me drool. I must have them!


Do bugs drool? Also, I am guessing your main character is a spider, but that is never really made entirely clear, a view extra descriptors somewhere in your story would clear that up.


It was time to strike; time to earn my meal for the day. Springing forward I launched myself up the window to take down the two brothers. Romel realized what was happening and flew off in time before I was able to wrap my legs around him. His brother wasn't as lucky though. He turned his head towards me as I came to him, and immediately tried to launch himself up in the air also. By that time though my body was already upon him. We tumbled to the window's ledge where I took my legs and punctured his outsides, letting him die before eating him.


Sorry for the big chuck, but I feel I should be more emotionally attached to this section, (its about an attack/killing after all) but I really am not. It really just seems more like a list of actions/spatial relationships than attack. Your description seems very removed from the reality of the events, if that makes sense. To remedy this problem, I would slow this bit down. Expand on each move more, focus on the attacker bug's senses in the moment, his hungry emotions, the frightened expression (if there is such a thing on a bug) of the black bug. Another way can add suspense and atmosphere is to focus on the little details. Perhaps the way the air rushed over the spiders body when he jumped, or the sound the bug's body made when it was pierced. This will help the reader become more invested in the story's outcome.


A final thought: I think it would add allot if, throughout the story, you emphasized the differences between your main characters, and humans. Perhaps their heightened senses, their beating wings, or the jumpy movements characteristic of bugs. It will add interest to the piece.


So those are the big things I noticed throughout the piece, so if I could give you a one sentence suggestion it would be: Cut down on the spatial relationships/actions and bring in more emotions/atmosphere into the piece to prevent it from becoming list-y. Okay, so that's a run-on, oops! :D

Hope that helped! You have an interesting premise, and I think with a little polish this really could be fantastic.

-Turquoise.



The worst bullies you will ever encounter in your life are your own thoughts.
— Bryant McGill