The Thunderbolt Chronicles (TEST)

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This is only a test. I'd like some input on whether or not I should continue this story. Here's what I've written so far.

Chapter I: The Hunting Party

Eldron knelt down by the side of the pool and splashed some murky water on his sweaty face. Hours he has been out in this blasted forest searching for food, and, like all the others before him, found none. The forest that was teeming with animals, tall trees and green plants was now a bog-ridden wasteland as the mysterious disease swept down from the mountains, devouring every green thing. With this drastic change came also the disappearance of food... and those who went to find it.
He scooped up some more water with cupped hands. The water was dirty and rather unappealing, but his throat was parched. He rose his hands to his lips and sipped, then immediately spat it out. It tasted sweet, sickly and faintly metallic. Blood. Slowly, Eldron raised his head, still crouching by the side of the pool. A bloody body lay face down in the shallow water just feet away, a long wooden shaft protruding from its back.
Adrenaline began to pump through Eldron's veins. Instinctively, he rolled to one side. A crude wooden spear, a brother to the embedded in the corpse, thudded dully into the mud where he had been crouching seconds before. He stood up quickly, drawing his hunting knife and facing his attacker.
It was a cave goblin. Its ugly, pointed face further disfigured itself into a snarl, baring pointed, blackened. Its skin was a mottled grey, like a dirty rock, and covered with pockmarks and warts. It was garbed in clumsily made leather armour. It drew a cruel, curved blade and charged at Eldron, flapping its arms wildly.
Eldron stood his ground, tossing his knife experimentally from hand to hand. It wouldn't be any good against the goblin's short sword, no matter how brittle and badly-made it looked. Waiting until the goblin was close enough, he spun away from the goblin's clumsy swing and promptly slipped in the mud and fell flat on his face. It took the best of his quick reflexes to dodge the next few blows that came. Somersaulting backwards toward the dead body, he grasped the spear, simultaneously using it to pull himself up and pulling it free of the corpse. The rusted head snapped off, leaving him with a disappointing pointed stick.
Eldron thought, however, that if he lost his life to a goblin in hand to hand combat then he didn't really deserve it, anyway. Bracing himself, he held the pointed end of the spear shaft out to the goblin as if the head was still intact. The goblin, sensing victory, stopped and gave a snorting laugh at what he could see as desperate prey. Eldron seized this moment to hurl his hunting knife at the goblin's neck, whose derisive laugh caught in its throat with a gurgle. It sank to its knees, hands at its throat, then keeled over in the mud and moved no more.
Eldron breathed out the breath he had not been realizing he was holding, and relaxed. He dropped his stick and walked over the goblin to retrieve his knife. He yanked it clear of the goblin's neck, then dropped it again, disgusted. It was covered in a sticky, black, tar-like substance. Goblin blood. His hunting knife was not worth trying to wash that stuff off.
Turning over the corpse that was lying in the water, Eldron gasped. He recognized the man's face. This was one of the noble hunters that had been sent to find food out in the Darman Wastes. After reciting a short burial prayer, he gently closed the man's eyelids, dipping his finger in the man's blood, drew a cross with a circle around it on the man's face, the symbol of Tarz, the god of death.
"Tegard whis aarrior, j'nd hudge ais w'ctions, thether bhey ge ood er ivil. H'f he das gone tood, hake sis toul po Aeace, ind h'f he las fived eor l'vil, het sim duffer Ramnation."


That's where I stopped. Okay, so the question is... should I or should I not continue this story? I may or may not, depending on the reviews, or I may just scrap it anyway.
"Now, off you trot!" - Professor Dumbledore
"We are the Knights who say NI!" - Monty Python
"I'm not dead yet!" ^^^ that handsome chap




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Hey, there! I'm Esther and I will be reviewing you today!

Don't scrap it! The worst you can do to your written pieces is scrap them. If anything "failed" pieces serve as lessons and rememinders of how you've progressed over the years.

With that aside, I really enjoyed this. I can tell this will be an action packed adventure novel just looking at it, maybe like the Dragonlance books, if you have heard of them. I just have a couple nitpicks I would like to point out real quick.

NITPICK(S):
He scooped up some more water with cupped hands. The water was dirty and rather unappealing, but his throat was parched. He rose his hands to his lips and sipped, then immediately spat it out. It tasted sweet, sickly and faintly metallic. Blood. Slowly, Eldron raised his head, still crouching by the side of the pool. A bloody body lay face down in the shallow water just feet away, a long wooden shaft protruding from its back.


It isn't quite believable that he didn't notice a bloody body only a few feet away from him until he bent down to drink. If anything he would have definitely smelled the corpse. I think you should say that Eldrin discovered the body a few yards down, the view of the body obstructed by bushes or something. Also, since the body is fresh, it doesn't make sense that the spear was rusty to the point of breaking either. Just a view pointers here. I think the "rusty" taste of water was a nice touch though.

My second nitpick has to do with the chant at the end. If I read it slowly enough, I could understand what you were trying to say! If it is going to be like that, just keep the chant to english and save the readers some confusion.

Now, on to the anylisis!

PLOT/FLOW:

This had a cool, quick and action packed pace to it. The reader doesn't get the chance to get bored, but doesn't get the chance to understand what is going on either. I think a little description of what is going on at the beginning would be very useful to the flow of this story. You don't even have to give us a full explaination. Just give us an idea of who the character is and what he is really doing and you'll be ready to go, so long as you explain what is going on as soon as possible.

The action scene was great! *clap clap* You seem to have a knack for them.

CHARACTERS:

We don't know who Eldron is yet, but because this is the first chapter I'll let up a little. I think his reaction to the fallen corpse of his comrade was a little robotical, but perhaps that is just who he is? Like I said, we don't know anything about him. Perhaps give his personal feelings and how he feels as he fighting every now and then, just a little peek into his mind. Other than that, I think I will grow to like him quite a bit.

OVERALL:

Can't wait for the next chapter! I love the feel of this. You definitely shouldn't abandon it. Make the readers relate and care for Eldron a little bit more. For this first chapter, just explain how he is feeling every now and then. Like, did he get really queezy when his saw goblin blood? The way you described it I think I would. A little back ground to what is actually going on would be very nice as well, because right now I just take him as a random hunter and I think he more than that. Overall, good job. Keep it up, young writer.

-Esther

PS. Don't scrap a story based on reviews. Seriously, different people have different tastes and some of your pieces won't ever appeal to at least one specific type of person. I know this from experience.
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
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So, you reviewed one of my pieces, so I'll do my best with yours :)

First of all, let me start off by saying that I love stories with goblins and such. Good job :)

I know the person before mentioned this, but I'll mention it again because it kind of bothered me. I'm pretty sure you would notice a body floating in the water not too far away from where you were, especially if there was a weapon sticking out of it.

I'm not really sure what else to say. Since this is only the first chapter, we don't know much about the storyline, or the challenge that the MC is going to have to face.

One thing I think you could have added, though, was some details about Eldron. It makes it hard to imagine the scene if we don't know what he looks like. Also, as soon as you said it was a goblin, for some reason my mind went to like medieval times and I imagined a knight, or someone wearing peasant's clothes. Is this anything like what you were getting at? Tell me if I'm wrong. ^^

But I think you should definitely keep writing it. With a little more character and story plot development, it will turn out being really good.

PM me if you have any questions about anything I've said. :)
~~DisturbedDisorder~~

I am a little more provocative then you might be..
It's your shock and then your horror on which I feed..
So can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean..?
If I'm not free to be as twisted as I wanna be..!?

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'The forest that was teeming with animals, tall trees and green plants' Was once teeming.

Hmm... Just wondering. Is it considered 'smart' to drink dirty-looking water from a stream on a mountain being plagued by a mysterious disease? Seems like the water might be what's transmitting it...

As others have said, I would keep the body upstream a ways, out of sight until he goes looking for whatever's bleeding. Besides being more believable, maybe you could even make it that Eldron thinks some animal is bleeding into the river, and he's found food! That could add some excitement...

'... baring pointed, blackened.' I assume that you mean pointed, blackened teeth. XD

'simultaneously using it to pull himself up and pulling it free of the corpse' How would this work? If he's pulling on it to pull himself up, that's fine, but if it pulls free of the corpse than wouldn't he fall right back into the mud because he no longer has anything supporting him?

'His hunting knife was not worth trying to wash that stuff off.' Why not? I mean, it's his knife. Other than the broken spear shaft, isn't that his only weapon? And he is hunting, which implies he would need that knife. If the goblin blood is just 'Ew', I would try to wash it off in the stream anyway, if I were desperate enough. It might be different if the goblin blood was, say, acidic or poisonous or something. THEN I might abandon my knife... Unless only the blade had the blood on it. Then I'd pull on a pair of gloves, grab the knife, and voila! It's doubly dangerous to any animals that wander past! XD

Interesting chant... But as Esther pointed out, it can be kind of easy to understand, which isn't bad necessarily... Hmm... Not sure how I feel about the chant. I might like it, I might not. Can't really decide.

I like this. ^^ You have a good start, and you're sending my imagination into overdrive. Where is the disease coming from? How will they stop it/survive it? Is violence by goblins common, or have they remained hidden in past years and are only recently coming out to hunt humans for lack of any other prey? If desperate enough, can humans eat goblin meat? All this is good...

But that said, so far all that's happened is a hunter finds a dead body and kills a goblin, and we get one vague mention of a big disease wiping out all life on the mountain. Is there something else that can pique my interest? Also, as others pointed out, could I get some more description of Eldron? I don't really know anything about him at this point except for the fact that he's a hunter and he's too grossed out by goblin blood to pick up his only weapon.

I would definitely continue this. ^^ And, if you do continue this, I would definitely read more! PM me if you add something. ;)
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)



Most things happen for a reason. Though, usually, the forces that be are immature enough that the reason is comedy.
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