Death by Chess June 24 2091

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 42
Just Because I Have No Other Choice
(And How Gusto Was Still Eating a Burrito)

Image


I wake up to morning sunlight. It had stopped raining, and the ancient clock in the truck claimed it was seven o'clock. We were driving on a poorly paved road, and the sun beat down on the lake beside us, causing the water to shimmer. I notice the lack of tree's, and frown.

"Where are we?" I ask Gusto. I didn't recognize this place at all, and our family had gone to Mexico a few times.

"Err, about 50 miles over the boarder. A small town is on the next left. I will drop you off there, senorita." He is smiling, and has another burrito in his hand. The sight makes me smile.

"Gracias." I say. He smiles.

We drive onto a dirt road, and pull up in a very, very small town. I can see the beginning and end of it. No trees line the road, and bushes are few and far between. the tires kick up dust

"Here is where I leave you, my dear. Adios. But, remember, stay away from the Foxes." With that he hops back in his truck before I can even say goodbye. He drives away in a cloud of tan, and I look out into what might be where I would sleep tonight.

I cough as a it of the dust goes up my throat, and I rub my eyes. When the dust clears, I see what looks like a building in the distance. I decide to head there, because bigger and more civilized buildings usually meant bigger and more civilized living conditions.

I find a path at the edge of the town, and start walking. All I have is my suitcase, money, and my dad's pistol which I didn't have the faintest idea of how to use. But this was Mexico, most people didn't know how to use a gun, or so I heard. I was still worried about this group, The Foxes, and wasn't sure what I would do if I met up with them.

Gusto's words ring in my head.

Senorita, one more thing. There is a group called the Foxes. Stay away from them all. And if you do see them, it is likely to be the last thing you ever do.
Love is beautiful, but what would love be without life?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3888
Reviews 763
Hello Kaywiia!

Well, I just read the previous two chapters.
And before I start onto this one, I must say the first chapter could do with some work. This chapter and the previous seem better written as against the first. That's just my view, anyway.
So, this is a very short chapter. You could add more description and detailing to make it better. Try showing us emotion, the place around and how she feels about things around her or about her past.
And, you talk about The Foxes a lot which implies that she is going to meet them. I would suggest you to put it in more subtly. Add more emotions and a fragment of her thoughts when she's in the twilight zone between the dream and awakening. It would help in bringing out The Foxes slowly. Your MC could do with some development. Right now, it looks like she's an angsty teen who's taken a dramatic step.

Anyway, keep writing.
Cheers,
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.




You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things...
— Gone With the Wind