The Swamp Scarer

It was a single, swampy pond among many. Like the others, it was coated and filled with floating and sub-floating masses of forestry scraps and moss, making the water murky and opaque. What made this pond different, though, was that the pond was perfectly circular. Not only that, but the pond shape and the surrounding trees and land was symmetrical from right to left. It seemed like a flooded ritual area within the middle of Saturna. To top it off, the sun was setting, turning the cloudlessd sky shades of orange and pink. It felt and appeared like a happy ending. And considering I was at this pond to make my ending, it really was.

I finished taking in the view, saying my last words to myself, and walked to my picturesque watery grave. But when my shoe touched to water…it didn’t sink. It just felt like more solid, rippling ground. I brought my foot back on the grass and tried my other foot, and then my hands to test further, and it was real…I couldn’t go into the water, only on it.

When I lifted my hands, they were dry. It was like some invisible, super strong tarp over the water, able to hold me up when I walked on. I just wanted to drown, have it done, and somehow, I was the damn miracle man. I walked directly to the center of the water, and stomped down, making no sound whatsoever. I paused for a moment and tried again, harder every time, and after three of them, I finally fell, but not into water.

I felt the ground beneath me. Dirt gravel, and some forestry scraps. I was at the bottom of the swampy pond, but not in water. All the water was staying up and around the pool like a dome, only leaving a small amount of dirt around my hands. I got up and stepped forward, and the water moved further from from my foot. It was like the water was afraid of me, keeping it’s safe distance. And I couldn’t beat that fear. I wanted to die and die in peace, and now, as strange as it seemed, I wanted to prove to the water I could do it. So I went for the more gruesome approach, and pulled out my pocket knife.

I put it up to my throat, took a mental “Goodbye” pause, and gave the cut. But I didn’t bleed and black out; as soon as I made the smallest part of the cut, a stream of water shot out from a wall of the dome, and right into my neck. Some of it went down my throat like a glass of water, and the rest…it healed me. My neck was completely unharmed.

I couldn’t believe it. The water wouldn’t let me die. I wanted to so badly, but the water just wouldn’t let me. I had an idea for a few moments that I’d go and do the deed elsewhere, but the water dome was still like a solid wall, so I couldn’t leave…until it would let me, anyways. And I could only guess that it wouldn’t let me until it knew I wasn’t going to end my life if I left.

I took in this realization, and I stopped thinking right there. Instead, I cried. I cried and sat in the dirt, out of nothing short of complete depression. I cried for a full minute, when, out of the blue, the dome removed a quarter of the wall and it turned into a staircase. It seemed to think I’d be okay, and it wanted me to go. And as for my thoughts…they were replaced by tears earlier, and I didn’t want those, and I certainly didn’t want the thoughts that I had when I walked over here in the first place.

Whatever I was thinking then wasn’t right, and even the water could tell. I didn’t leave the swampy pond. I sat there with myself and the water, talking to it and myself, promising I wouldn’t leave until the water had nothing more to fear.

Hi. I like your descriptions, and the story seems very interesting, but there are a few problems. First off, my English textbook says, 'Do not format your descriptions as though someone is speaking.' For instance:

Not only that, but the pond shape and the surrounding trees and land was symmetrical from right to left.

this doesn't sound like an unknown force is narrating, this sounds like your character is talking. You can have it be in first-person, as long as your MC isn't describing things as though he's chatting with an old friend. Now let's get to the story.

I put it up to my throat, took a mental “Goodbye” pause, and gave the cut. But I didn’t bleed and black out; as soon as I made the smallest part of the cut, a stream of water shot out from a wall of the dome, and right into my neck.

Okay, now you're suddenly killing yourself, where did that come from? There's no build-up or anything, you just, out of nowhere, grab a knife and slit your MC's throat! You have to have a back story behind every important actions your character takes. When one of my characters gets murdered, I have their murderer have a reason. (Unless their murderer is a complete psycho) In summary, I like your story, but you have a lot of odd things that are random come into the story, which distracts the viewer and makes it hard to read. Unless this is a metaphor for something, I would make it longer, and let us know who this person is, why they're killing themselves, etc. Keep writing!

This was an interesting story, and as short as it was, I enjoyed it. I especially liked how you incorporated the magic -- it was obvious that it was unusual in-story, but it was presented simply and matter-of-factly which made it even more magical to me, if that makes sense. I am left wondering just how the title relates to the rest of the story. The impression I got from the title was that this would be more of a horror-style story, which is far, far from the truth. You might want to consider changing it.

Another thing that caught my eye was the word choice. Some of it sounded strange and off to me. One example is sub-floating. How can something sub-float? Things either float, sink, or are in the process of gradually sinking. You also had a couple of tense shifts, so I suggest that you read this through again more closely. A good trick to catch things like strange wordings and tense shifts is to read your work out loud. Reading something aloud and reading silently are very different experiences, so you're more able to pick up on the mistakes you've made in your own writing.