The Horseman

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1190
Reviews 5
This story, I entered in a competition, which I did not win, I lost to some 9-year old girl who wrote about Orang-utans and deforestation.
Anyway... Since I figured I wasn't going to use it for anything, I might as well post it here.

The Horseman

So this is how I met Death.
It was an average day really. Average, except for what was to happen that night. I woke up, went over my daily routine, and went on one of my daily night time runs when it happened.
I was just about half way around, when I felt a strong, rough hand suddenly grip my shoulder.
My heart skipped a beat, my stomach dropped.
I heard a loud click close to my ear, which sounded like the barrel of a gun being cocked.
“Wossa young woman doin’ out here all by yourself then ey?” Said a voice from behind, it was unforgiving, cruel and let out a smell of rancid… something.
I turned around slowly to face my attacker, and came face-to-face with a large handgun, the barrel pointing directly at my face.
The man holding the gun seemed to suit the voice perfectly. His face was extremely dirty and his hair wasn’t any better, it looked as if it hadn’t been washed in a number of months.
“Give ‘s yer money lass, and I’ll let ya go.” He said, in an intimidating tone.
“I- I- I don’t have any!” I managed to stutter out. I was on the verge of tears, but managed to hold them back.
A scowl overcame his face, and he shoved me, pushing the gun to my forehead.
“You liar!” The man shouted, rage in his voice.
A tear managed to force its way out of my eyes, I sobbed silently.
What happened next, I scarcely believed, but it’s all 100% true.
The sound of heavy horse hooves filled the air. The thug looked over to the source of the sound, and was shocked by what he saw.
A pale horse galloped down the pavement in our direction, a man rode it, he wore a black hood and robes that billowed in the wind as his horse sped. In his hand was a huge scythe, the moonlight glinting off of its age-old rusted metal, and dark mist trailed the rider and horse.
It was truly, a sight to behold.
My attacker fired a few shots at the rider.
They had no effect whatsoever, the bullets wisped straight through the rider’s body.
He continued on, gaining speed as if nothing had happened. He drew nearer, twirled his scythe around in his hands and rode by the man, connecting his weapon with the attacker in one clean blow.
But the man did not fall to the ground as one would expect. Instead he just, burst, into a plume of dark smoke, which drifted away with the wind, as if nothing had ever happened.
The rider stopped his horse, and turned to face me.
I was visibly shaking from the whole ordeal, but managed to maintain some composure.
Then, he spoke, his voice unearthly and somehow… ancient.
“Goodbye, Carolyn Clements.”
I felt strangely inclined to answer.
“Wh-Who are you?”
The rider spun his scythe back into place and uttered a single word.
“Death.”
And with that, he rode off into the distance, leaving me in a cloud of dark mist.
"There can never be a perfect story. It is the perception of the reader that makes the story great."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4893
Reviews 99
I see how it is that you didn't win and lost to a nine year old. You have no description of the surroundings. I have no idea what the charaters look like either. It just has no reader catching ability to it and when you write you want that. Advice read more books and really pay attention to how they word their stories. It will be a bit difficult but I think you could really do it. Just keep working on your writing you will get better. Other than that I liked the title it caught my attention and made me want to read it.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1509
Reviews 32
I'm not great a review, but I can show you some errors.

It was an average day really. Average, except for what was to happen that night.

Here, it's okay to make the whole thing one sentence. Just use a dash between "really"
and "average."

I was just about half way around,

Dunno if you need a comma here.

Said a voice from behind, it was unforgiving, cruel and let out a smell of rancid… something.

That's what grammar nuts call a run-on sentence. It's easy enough to fix; just change that first comma to an endmark, then start the next sentence with "It".

My overall impression was that you have a good story here. Keep it up!
"Do? I'll tell you what we'll do! We'll be ready!"
Matthias, from Redwall

"Life consists of doing the impossible."
Brother Fir, The Heir of Mistmantle




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 3166
Reviews 21
Ok umm... I really don't mean to offend you or anything, but it isn't really that well written. I usually go through a review taking a few sentences that need a bit of editing and post them here with what I think should go there instead. With this one I was doing it with every single one and I can't just copy past the whole thing because I'm not criticising the grammar. So for the few sentences I did copy paste here is how you can save this piece, for the idea does have potential it just wasn't ready to come out.

It was an average day really. Average, except for what was to happen that night. I woke up, went over my daily routine, and went on one of my daily night time runs when it happened.

Cliche, and shows a rushed start. Replace it with a description of the scene and how the character feels right now, I'd guess flustered because she didn't notice a big, smell bloke with a gun.

“Wossa young woman doin’ out here all by herself then ey?” Said a voice from behind, it was unforgiving, cruel and was accompanied by a smell of rancid… something.


I turned around slowly to face my attacker, and came face-to-face with a large handgun, the barrel pointing directly at my face.

Already mentioned, so the last bit goes.

The man holding the gun seemed to suit the voice perfectly. His face was extremely dirty and his hair wasn’t any better, it looked as if it hadn’t been washed in a number of months.

What no eyes gleaming with malice, not missing teeth, no scars, no hair colour. Just filth and smell? Come on this is a character you are talking about here. You've left to much to the mercy of the reader's imagination.

Also it ended so abruptly, and on a note of failed epicness (failed being the operative word). Make it witty, remember that most people are afraid of Death, and remember that a serious Death is a subtle Death like instead of appearing to a mortal he would simply make the aggressors heart give out.

It shows some potential and with a LOT of editing it could (and will if you put the effort into it) turn into something good. Work on your descriptions, and characters feelings. Don't start it with "It was an average day" and think a little bit more about what Death should be like here.

Oh and PM me if you need anything (but I dunno if I will answer immediately)
Splenig Metsackes Ink.
Flowing Scribble




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30278
Reviews 482
Hey there! I'm here for a review! :)

Okay, so you have the potential here for a great story. Now, being that this was for a competition, I understand that there were probably word limits, etc. However, now that the competition's done, you can expand this and buff it up into a novel or whatever else you'd like.

Now, I'm going on to the nitpicks. And I can be a very nitpicky person (my own mom has said I'm a harsh critiquer, so please don't take this personally!).

First thing I noticed was that you have some issues with dialogue grammar. This link is an excellent post which covers all of those trippy little rules; I'm constantly referring back to it.

It was an average day really. Average, except for what was to happen that night. I woke up, went over my daily routine, and went on one of my daily night time runs when it happened.


Okay. So you say "average" and "daily" twice within the span of three fairly short sentences. That is way too repetitive.
And! You start it off saying that the narrator woke up and went over her routine, then went on her nighttime run. Is she one of those nocturnal people who wakes up as the sun sets? If so, then make that clear to the reader; if not, then don't abruptly change from discussing her morning routine and then switching to twelve hours later without a warning.

I was just about half way around, when I felt a strong, rough hand suddenly grip my shoulder.
My heart skipped a beat, my stomach dropped.


This part is very thin. Not a lot for the reader to picture; also, give your character some more depth. Why, exactly, does her stomach drop? Is she startled, terrified, reminded of a past event?

The man holding the gun seemed to suit the voice perfectly. His face was extremely dirty and his hair wasn’t any better, it looked as if it hadn’t been washed in a number of months.


Again, let's have some more description here! All I get is a vague, grimy, stinky impression, and that's about it.

A tear managed to force its way out of my eyes, I sobbed silently.


Read this aloud; does it seem rushed to you? It should! You need either a completely new sentence starting after "eyes" or a semicolon there. It gives the reader a natural, comfortable pause.

What happened next, I scarcely believed, but it’s all 100% true.


Writing numbers and symbols like % devalues the work. Also, it doesn't sound in the least convincing. Now here's how I wrote it briefly, just to give you an idea:
"What happened next I scarcely believed, but I know from the depths of my mind that it really, truly did happen. Else how would I still be here?"
^ See how that conveys so much more?

The thug looked over to the source of the sound, and was shocked by what he saw.


Now, you (as the MC!) don't know that for sure. So don't be "putting words in someone else's mouth", as they say. You can simply reword this to, "The thug looked over to the source of the sound, and his mouth dropped and his eyes widened in shock. Indeed, I was also astonished by what I saw." <--again, see how we're seeing what the MC is thinking? That's the one person we really care about right now, so let's stay on top of what she's seeing, thinking, feeling, etc.

A pale horse galloped down the pavement in our direction, Let's put a semicolon in here to make it read smoothly. a man rode it, he wore wearinga black hood and robes that billowed in the wind as his horse sped. In his hand was a huge scythe, the moonlight glinting off of its age-old rusted metal, and dark mist trailed the rider and horse.


I like this. I like it a lot. Reminds me of Sleepy Hollow. Which is my favorite movie (the 1999 Tim Burton one).

My attacker fired a few shots at the rider.


Well that was rather...flat. No descriptions about his frantic struggle to fire? His obvious panic as the horseman nears closer?

But the man did not fall to the ground as one would expect. Instead he just, burst, into a plume of dark smoke, which drifted away with the wind, as if nothing had ever happened.


Ooh. Yes. I like this. Not the normal blood-spurting/head-rolling/body-thudding that I was expecting.

“Goodbye, Carolyn Clements.”


I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous. After all of that mysterious and spookiness of the man, he comes up and says "Goodbye"?? No.

“Death.”
And with that, he rode off into the distance, leaving me in a cloud of dark mist.


I like this ending; wasn't what I was expecting from your beginning, which is perfect!


Okay, sooo...main thing I noticed was a lack of description. Again, that's understandable since competitions have limits and all that. But now you've got the perfect opportunity to expand it. Which is my suggestion. Also, there were some grammatical errors that I pointed out above. I think with some fattening and polishing this could really turn into a great story; it's got the potential! :D

Please feel free to PM me if you've got any questions!
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1693
Reviews 43
I'm not trying to mean here, but it could really use a lot of work.

First of all, you should build up the character a bit, and get the reader to know her. When the man pulled a gun on her, I wasn't really concerned for whether she lived or died because I knew nothin about her, so why should I really care about a fictional stranger?

Details, details, details. That is what this story really lacks. What are the surroundings?

There is more I could say, but I have to go.
~~DisturbedDisorder~~

I am a little more provocative then you might be..
It's your shock and then your horror on which I feed..
So can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean..?
If I'm not free to be as twisted as I wanna be..!?

-Divide, Disturbed



all of my friends talk to me like a dog rooting through a trashcan
— winterwolf0100