The Burrard Bridge Blaze

After breaking up the longest relationship in his life, he began to walk back over the Burrard Street bridge, back to his home a few blocks away from the other side. He wasn’t gleeful, he wasn’t depressed, he was blank as liquid paper. He did what he knew was right to do, and nothing more.

As for her, she just stood there in utter shock. She didn’t know what to feel at that moment, just that it couldn’t and shouldn’t be happiness. She watched him as he went over the bridge.

He looked at the people in their cars, driving and being driven over the bridge, going somewhere. It made him wonder where he was going, now that the hurdle of a break up was over. He barely even remembered why he broke up with her in the first place, other than it feeling right. But to himself, that was just enough.

The moment he stepped off the bridge and onto the solid ground on the other side, he felt a wave of warmth hit his back like the tide of the ocean. He saw his shadow grow longer and darker ahead of him.

He was almost frightened to, but he turned around toward the bridge he had crossed, to see it engulfed in bright, warm, strong flame. The cars and drivers and passengers of them strangely melted instead of exploding, as science would lead you to believe. The blaze on the rails and the large stone arch in the center rose high to the sky, while the road and sidewalks along the bridge stayed low and sparking, like a field of burning grass.

And to top off this awing sight was a girl made of flame walking across, one who felt nothing but a burning anger after not having any emotion at all. His emotionless state turned to near-paralyzing fear, and he started stepping backwards. Every part of fire gave an instant crackle and outburst, and it knocked him on his back. He began slowly crawling backwards, not taking his widened eyes off the blazing beauty. She walked calmly, but the closer she got to him, the hotter the flames got.

When she stepped off the burning bridge, onto the land at the other side, the fiery path still grew onwards, to the point where it was right underneath his hands and feet. He felt a light warmth, but no pain or burn, and that confusion led him to stop moving long enough for her to catch up to him and be standing tall in front of him.

She picked him up by the throat without any challenge, as if he were weightless. He still felt no pain from the fire, but he felt the grip strong and firm on his neck. The heat was beginning to become warmer the higher that she lifted him off the ground. When she could not lift him any higher, she stabbed her empty, flaming fist into his body, and the every bit of fire disappeared instantly. The heartbreaker she was holding became nothing more than a singed skeleton that fell apart into a pile of burnt pile of bones, right out of her hands.

And like he had felt walking over the bridge and breaking up with her in the first place, she didn’t feel any disappointment or anger. She just knew that what she did felt so right to do, and to herself, that was enough.

Major props to you on creepiness and bringing things around again. I liked that! Burning is lovely.

However, there were some issues that made this hard to get to. The beginning doesn't really grab the reader and it makes it hard for me to read through the whole thing. I think your primary problem is that you've thrown us right into the middle of this situation and I know nothing about the characters or the situation. It makes it really hard for me to care about the character and want to keep reading. Mainly: you need a hook.

Secondly, I didn't really feel anything while reading this. You do write a lot about what things feel like - the break ups, the flames, etc - but I don't feel any of it. I think the major problem is that you're telling and not showing a lot of important things. Also focus more on describing in detail not just saying what is happening. Can you use imagery? Similes? Metaphors? Go for it.

Best of luck!

Comments in red.

Howler wrote:After breaking up the longest relationship in his life, he began #FF0000 ">Began, started, continued, etc. These words slow down the sentence and weaken the prose. So maybe you can cut it? to walk back over the Burrard Street bridge, back to his home a few blocks away from the other side. He wasn’t gleeful#FF0000 ">[color=#FF0000];[/color] he wasn’t depressed#FF0000 ">. #FF0000 ">He was blank as liquid paper. #FF0000 ">I have no idea what you mean by liquid paper. Poetic, but it makes no sense in my head. He did what he knew was right #FF0000 ">I cut out "to do" because it was unnecessary., and nothing more.

As for her, she just stood there in utter shock. She didn’t know what to feel at that moment, just that it couldn’t and shouldn’t be happiness. She watched him as he went #FF0000 ">Went is a weak verb. Substitute with something stronger. over the bridge.

He looked at the people in their cars, driving and being driven over the bridge, going somewhere. It made him wonder where he was going, now that the hurdle of a break up was over. #FF0000 ">At this point my attention is wavering. >>" He barely even remembered why he broke up with her in the first place, other than it feeling right. #FF0000 ">This last phrase is awkward. Revise. But to him, that was enough.

The moment he stepped off the bridge and onto the solid ground #FF0000 ">Isn't the bridge solid ground as well? on the other side, a wave of warmth hit his back like the tide of the ocean. He saw #FF0000 ">So it suddenly grew longer and darker? oO his shadow grow longer and darker ahead of him.

He was almost frightened to, but he turned around toward the bridge he had crossed to see it engulfed in bright, warm #FF0000 ">Warm is not strong enough. Especially if it's a big fire. And how could it just go up in flames without him hearing anything?, strong flame. The cars and drivers and passengers of them strangely melted #FF0000 ">Drivers and passengers will not melt. They will fry to a crisp. instead of exploding, as science would lead you to believe. The blaze on the rails #FF0000 ">Metal doesn't burn easy, so this leads me to believe these are wooden rails. and the large stone arch in the center rose high to the sky, while the road and sidewalks along the bridge stayed low and sparking, like a field of burning grass.

And to top off this awing sight was a girl made of flame walking across, one who felt nothing but a burning anger after not having any emotion at all. His emotionless state turned to near-paralyzing fear, and he started stepping backwards. #FF0000 ">Cut started. He backed away would be much more effective. Every part of fire #FF0000 ">I'm unsure of what you mean by every part of fire. gave an instant crackle and burst, and it knocked him on his back. He began #FF0000 ">There we go with began again. >>" slowly crawling backwards, not taking his wide eyes off the blazing beauty. She walked calmly, but the closer she got to him, the hotter the flames #FF0000 ">became.

When she stepped off the burning bridge, onto the land #FF0000 ">on the other side, the fiery path still grew onwards, to the point where it was right underneath his hands and feet. He felt a light warmth, but no pain or burn, and that confusion led him to stop moving long enough for her to catch up to him and be standing tall in front of him.

She picked him up by the throat without any challenge, as if he were weightless. He still felt no pain from the fire, but he felt the grip strong and firm on his neck. #FF0000 ">Felt is used twice in one sentence. I'd like it if you could revise it to avoid doing so. The heat was beginning to become warmer #FF0000 ">So it's a nice feeling? 0o the higher that she lifted him off the ground. When she could not lift him any higher, she stabbed her empty, flaming fist into his body, and every bit of fire disappeared instantly. The heartbreaker she was holding became nothing more than a singed skeleton that fell #FF0000 ">apart right in her hands in a pile of burnt bones.

And like he had felt #FF0000 ">while walking over the bridge and breaking up with her, she didn’t feel any disappointment or anger. She just knew that what she did felt so right, and to herself, that was enough.

Final thoughts:

There is little to no characterization - the girl and guy could have switched places and I wouldn't have noticed, save that they changed genders. We have no emotional investment in them and so I really felt nothing when I read this piece. I just went: oh okay. Not good. You want your readers to sympathize with your characters. You have to make us like your characters, or at least be fascinated by them. You can show this to us in little bits. Maybe throw in a flashback or two, or mention stuff that have happened between them. Anything to help us know a bit more about them. Give them dimension.

I really don't understand how the flame was simply warm and not hot as hell. And why stuff melted and why cars didn't burst into flame. "Because it's magic flame" is not a reason that satisfies me. My suspension of disbelief broke when you said people and cars melted. Yes, they can melt, but that'd require a fire that's not simply warm. That would actually require bluish-white flame, I think.

The tension here is lacking. I want to be swallowed whole by your story. This one doesn't make me want to read on since I lack a reason to do so - I don't really care about the characters. But if I care about the characters, now that's a different thing.

You should choose your words more carefully, as some of the verbs you used were very weak. "Began" and "started" really annoyed me since they significantly weakened the prose. I also think you could use stronger verbs up there. For example, instead of walk you could use amble, instead of stepped you could have used staggered, etc.

The description here is minimal, and I should like to see a bit more of it. Just a little bit more.

So those were my opinions. PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Kara

Hey, this isn't finished yet, but I'll post more later. So far so good...

After breaking up the longest relationship in his life, he began to walk back over the Burrard Street Bridge (capitalize the ‘B’ in Bridge, and get rid of that comma) back to his home a few blocks away from on the other side. He wasn’t gleeful, he wasn’t depressed (I think you should insert a semicolon here, or transition it with a conjunction) he was blank as liquid paper. He did what he knew was right to do, and nothing more.
As for her, she just stood there in utter shock. (Bleh, that’s a rather bland sentence. I know you might be trying to put some finality to it, but at least change the word ‘just’ to something better) She didn’t know what to feel at that moment, just that it couldn’t and shouldn’t be happiness. She watched him as he went over the bridge.
He looked at the people in their cars, driving and being driven over the bridge, (Being driven? It sounds like they’re being driven over the edge of the bridge, as if someone was killing them[i]) going somewhere. It made him wonder where he was going, now that the hurdle of a [i]the break-up was over. He barely even remembered any reasons for why he broke up with her in the first place, other than it feeling felt right. But to himself, that was just enough.
The moment he stepped off the bridge and onto the solid ground on the other side, he felt a wave of warmth hit his back like the tide of the ocean. He saw his shadow grow longer and darker ahead of him.
He was almost frightened to, ([/i]Almost frightened to? Do you mean ‘too’? And I wouldn’t be ‘almost frightened’ if a bridge suddenly burst into flames. Try working around with that phrase[/i]) but he turned around toward the bridge he had crossed, to see it engulfed in bright, warm, strong flame. The cars and, drivers and passengers of them had strangely melted instead of exploding, as science would lead you to believe. The blaze on the rails and the large stone arch in the center rose high to the sky, while the flames on the road and sidewalks along the bridge stayed low and sparking, like a field of burning grass.
And to top off this awing sight, was a girl made of flame was walking across, one who felt nothing but a burning anger after not having any emotion at all. His emotionless state ([/i]He’s still emotionless? After seeing people melt before his eyes?[/i]) turned to near-paralyzing fear, and he started stepping backwards. Every part of the fire gave an instant crackle and outburst, and it knocked him on his back. He began slowly crawling backwards, not taking his widened eyes off the blazing beauty. She walked calmly, but the closer she got to him, the hotter the flames got.