Desperation

So, this is an assignment for my Writer's Craft class in which we had to write an excerpt from a novel. However, it's longer than it needs to be, so I'd really appreciate it if anyone has any opinion as to which part of the excerpt is the best.



She set down the phone and cradled her head in her hands. That was it; 3 weeks? Impossible. No one could write half a novel in 3 weeks. 250 pages? Hah. She was screwed and she knew it. And angry as she was at the situation, as much as she resented her pushy agent and she blamed every distraction she could think of that had occurred in the last six months, she knew that wasn't it.

Rose stood and grabbed her bag from the table; desperate and doomed though she may be, she still had a writer's club meeting. And maybe it would help, maybe she would get some kind of inspiration. She snorted in amusement at the possibility of some kind of literary miracle, startling the elevator's other occupant, who turned to give her an inquisitive stare. Well, fuck him, she thought as she continued on her way.

Rose's mood worsened as she entered the meeting. No doubt that bitch would have some fabulous fucking idea. Jesus, she probably had a manuscript three-quarters finished. And sure as shit, as soon as they sat down for the meeting she wouldn't shut the hell about the " work of extreme genius" she'd managed to create. Rose sat, staring blankly, face resting on her fist, as she scrutinized the woman animatedly outline every detail of her story. A small, cute brunette, Caroline was fresh out of university, and had been writing "since the age of three" as they'd all heard a thousand times. Annoying yes, but they all grudgingly admitted she was talented. At writing. Not at interacting with people. Everyone else at the table was experiencing various stages of boredom - from eye rolling, to daydreaming to full on drooling. Listening to Caroline prattle on Rose's anxiety turned to indignation and bitterness. Wouldn't it serve that stupid show-off, goody-two shoes right if someone stole her story? And then it hit her. That's what she could do, she didn't need inspiration, she just needed a little "help".

But watching the aspiring young author's enthusiasm as she divulged the final details of her story, Rose felt a heart-wrenching pang of guilt. The thought of ruining someone else to get herself out of a situation born of her own shortcomings was deeply sickening.

Finally Caroline was finished. The other authors gathered around the table all silently in relief.

"So, does anybody else have anything they want to share?" she asked cheerfully. "Works in progress they need help with?"

No one said anything. Rose looked around the table, waiting for someone to volunteer. Most of them were still recovering from Caroline's speech on her novel.

"Rose, how about you?" Caroline asked. "Don't you have a deadline coming up soon?"

"Me?" Rose asked, taken aback. "No, uh, I'm fine."

"Are you sure? Sometimes sharing your ideas out loud can help you straighten your thoughts."

The more Caroline spoke, the less guilty Rose felt about what she had considered doing. "No, really. It's okay, I've got it under control."

"Well, it's not like it could be perfect and I'm sure with my experience I could offer some valuable ad-"

"How about we just move on?" Rose said. "I'm sure your 'experience' could benefit others too."

As Caroline began harassing the others at the table, Rose's guilt all but disappeared.

After the meeting had concluded, Rose lingered for a moment. She adjusted her hair and took a deep breath. Her resolve strengthened, she fixed a charming smile to her face and walked over to Caroline.

"Hey, Caroline," she said, flashing that smile, "I, uh, was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime?"

"Oh!" Caroline exclaimed. "Y-yeah, of course. I mean, I'm totally busy, but I'm sure I could find the time."

"That's awesome," Rose said. "How about tomorrow night?"

Caroline smiled. "Sure! "That sounds good."

"Okay. Well, I have your email, so I'll talk to you later, k?"

"Yeah! Okay, I'll talk to you then."

Rose walked away, content with the success of phase one of her plan, but still scheming as to how she would pull this off.

______________________________________________________________________________

Rose fiddled with the bottle of pills she'd acquired. These little babies could solve all her problems; one way or another. But she wasn't planning on taking the cowards way out, oh no, with a little ingenuity and some guts all her problems would be gone. The nasty little voice in the back of her mind reminded her that if she'd put her guts and ingenuity to use sooner, she wouldn't have needed the pills, but she squashed the voice and went to get ready.

On her way to the bar to meet Caroline she watched the people walk past her. Saw them stare at her accusingly, as if they all knew what she was about to do. What do they know? What the hell do they know? Like they're all perfect, I deserve this! I'm just as smart, just as good as everyone else, I deserve a break! She fixed her eyes on the ground, unable to stand the stares. She quieted her conscience by distracting herself with dreams of fortune and fame.

The bar was noisy and packed full of people. Rose wrinkled her nose at the pungent odor of alcohol, sweat and Axe. Ugh. She hated large crowds, especially crowds comprised of drunken idiots, but this was the best location for what she had in mind.

She surveyed the crowd, hoping to catch a glimpse of Caroline. In retrospect she figured they should have set a meeting place, because it was dark and loud in the bar. The music was blasting, meaning that calling her name would be pointless.

In a stroke of sheer luck, Rose spotted Caroline sitting at a table by herself. Before heading over, however, she made a stop at the bar and ordered two drinks. She dropped one of the pills into Caroline's drink and was incredibly careful not to get them mixed up.

"Here you go," Rose said with the same false smile she'd had earlier as she set the drugged drink down in front of Caroline.

"Oh, no, I- , I shouldn't," Caroline said.

"Oh, it's no big deal. Come on, live a little." As if to demonstrate, Rose took a sip from her own glass.

"Well, I guess." Caroline downed a large portion of her drink. Rose's smiled widened. Now all she had to do was wait.

The two engaged in some frivolous girly small talk; shoes, clothes, cute boys, etc, etc. until they had an unexpected visitor.

"Hello, ladies," the man said as he sat down beside Caroline. "I'm Jake. How are you two on this fine evening?"

This is not part of the plan, Rose fumed. She was prepared to tell him to fuck off, but Caroline seemed to welcome the company. Dammit. Well, there was still another ten or so minutes until the drug took effect, so she had some time.

"So, you're an author, huh, that's cool," Jake said. They'd been talking for close to ten minutes now and Rose had yet to get him to leave.

"Well, I haven't been published yet." Caroline put a hand to her forehead. "I'm sorry, I'm just, a little ... dizzy." She tried to stand and fell back into her seat.

"Woah, you all right?" Jake asked. "Maybe you should go outside for some air. Come on." He put his arm around her waist and began leading her outside.

"Hey! I'm coming with you!" Rose stood and followed him outside.

The alleyway was quiet and cold, the polar opposite of the club. Jake helped Caroline further down the alley, then set her down against the wall, where she slumped and didn't move. The drug had kicked in fully, now was her chance. But not with the boy here.

"Hey, Caroline, you okay? Hey! Maybe we should call an ambulance." He turned to face Rose and she smashed him in the head with a pole she'd picked up. She hit him a couple more times for good measure. The blood splattered all over Caroline as well as the ground. She wiped the end of the pole she'd been holding on her jacket, then placed it in Caroline's hands. Rose dipped her hand in the pool of the blood flowing from the wounds on Jake's head and smeared it on Caroline's hands. Then she pulled out her cellphone.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Caroline's head was pounding. She felt nauseous and groggy. And then she realized she didn't know where she was. She sat up and waited for her vision to clear. As she took in her surroundings; the tacky wallpaper, the cheap lamp, the two twin beds with ugly matching duvets, one of which she was laying on, she realized she was in a cheap motel. And she had no idea how she'd gotten there. Is that, is that... blood on my hands?

Rose returned to the room, carrying backpack with spare clothes in it. She'd just gotten back from disposing of the body. She'd wrapped him in a tarp, tied some rocks to it and thrown him in a nearby river. If she was lucky, he wouldn't resurface. Hopefully, at the very least, the evidence would be destroyed. She'd tossed the pole she used to kill him into the river after him.

Caroline was stunned when Rose walked into the motel room. "Rose! Rose, what's going on?" She tried to get up, but her legs gave out beneath her.

"Caroline, be careful!" Rose helped her back onto the bed.

"What happened? Where are we? Why, why is there blood on my hands?"

"Caroline. Caroline, look at me."

"What's going on?" Caroline asked pleadingly.

"That boy, the one from the bar, do you remember him?"

Caroline nodded.

"I think he drugged your drink." Caroline began to protest, but Rose continued speaking. "And I think you killed him."

"No! No, I couldn't have! Rose, that's not possible!"

"Caroline, listen to me. I think you did. I went to the bathroom and I came back and you were gone and I went looking for you and I found you passed out in the alley, and he was dead and --"

"Then anyone could have killed him!"

"You were holding a pole covered in blood and his head was, it was... Caroline I have pictures. There was someone there, some drunk guy and he took some pictures on his cellphone. But I got him to give it to me. Look, there are pictures." She reached into her bag and pulled out the cellphone. When she showed the pictures to Caroline, she burst into tears.

"But, but I couldn't have.....I didn't mean to, I, I...am I going to go to jail?"

"No, no. If he drugged you then there was no telling what could have happened. It was self defense. And the police don't even have to know, no one has to know. I got rid of the body. Here," she said, handing Caroline the bag, "here's a change of clothes. Go shower and wash off the blood. After that we'll get rid of our clothes and the cellphone, okay?" She smiled reassuringly.

Caroline's sobs subsided. She tried to wipe the tears from her face, but only succeeded in smearing blood across her cheeks and she began to sob again.

"It's okay. It'll be fine." Rose gave her a hug to try and comfort her.

"Why are you helping me? If I get caught, you'll be in trouble too."

Rose smiled. "I know how you can make it up to me."

"How?" Caroline asked, pulling out of the hug. She looked confused.

"You know that story you were talking about...."

Whoa. Uhhh. All right.

Comments:
1) First and foremost. Rose doesn't come across so ruthless as to be entirely believable as a cold-blooded killer. As this is an excerpt from a novel, I understand that we don't get the full development, but you could at least take away the "heart-wrenching pang of guilt" at the mere thought of stealing a story and then have her drugging, killing, and framing a few paragraphs later. Y'know, by the end of the first scene, my impression of her was that of every other bitter, angry young adult who intends to bend a few rules to get by.

2) It was all too easy to get Caroline to hang out with a clearly antagonistic Rose. At least make it a few more exchanges in dialogue with some actual charm (instead of just telling us she had a charming smile).

3) All those sentences devoted to describe how packed the bar was and how difficult it seemed to be to locate Caroline and then she spots her and is done with it are unnecessary. It can be condensed to "The bar was crowded, smelly, etc. Rose spotted Caroline sitting alone."

4) Is she going to crush up the pill at all? If it's just a whole pill floating (or sunk) in a drink, it'd be kinda obvious. And it's distracting to tell us that she was "incredibly careful" to not mix the drinks up. "Careful" is good enough.

5) It's also kind of surprising for the seemingly goody two-shoes Caroline to chug a beer or whatever.

6)

He turned to face Rose and she smashed him in the head with a pole she'd picked up.

The "...she'd picked up" at the end is a real buzz-kill for the action. Maybe in the previous paragraph after "But not with the boy here." you could have either directly or indirectly indicated that Rose was picking something up.

7) You glossed over what is usually the hardest part of any crime: disposing of the evidence i.e. the body. I take it they were in the middle of a city, and Rose has 1 dead body and 1 unconscious body to deal with and I can only imagine that she's an amateur at it. And judging by this:

On her way to the bar to meet Caroline she watched the people walk past her.

she walked to the bar, instead of driving, so she didn't have a car to help her. But all we get is

She'd just gotten back from disposing of the body

8 )

"What's going on?" Caroline asked pleadingly.

"Caroline pleaded" would do much better.

9)

There was someone there, some drunk guy and he took some pictures on his cellphone. But I got him to give it to me.

That's not very convincing. She could have at least said she took it from him or something. And I dunno what your experiences are, but when I'm drunk, I recognize trouble (a dead guy bleeding from a massive head wound) when I see it, and I also know to hold onto my phone instead of giving it to strange girls. So it's not a very convincing lie.

And then some grammar issues here and there. Like "coward's way out" instead of "cowards way out" and the fact that commas should be used when two full sentences are separated by "but" or "and" etc.

So those are my thoughts.

Which part is the best? Well, independently, the parts are good, but they don't mesh together. On one hand, you present the characters well in the beginning, but then turn them on their heads in the next scene (Caroline is boozing and Rose is killing people). I think I like the motel scene the most because Rose is definitely kind of menacing and taking advantage of poor, confused, newly awake Caroline.

Not bad. Overall the story was pretty good, and it seemed well thought out for the most part. I liked how Rose put so much effort into some crazy scheme rather than just writing, and how her response to a curious bystander was to beat him to death with a pole she randomly found somewhere. However, there are a couple issues, mostly involving wording and such, that I'd like to bring some attention to.

Iniquitous wrote:Rose's mood worsened as she entered the meeting. No doubt that bitch would have some fabulous fucking idea. Jesus, she probably had a manuscript three-quarters finished. And sure as shit, as soon as they sat down for the meeting she wouldn't shut the hell about the " work of extreme genius" she'd managed to create. Rose sat, staring blankly, face resting on her fist, as she scrutinized the woman animatedly outline every detail of her story. A small, cute brunette, Caroline was fresh out of university, and had been writing "since the age of three" as they'd all heard a thousand times. Annoying yes, but they all grudgingly admitted she was talented. At writing. Not at interacting with people. Everyone else at the table was experiencing various stages of boredom - from eye rolling, to daydreaming to full on drooling. Listening to Caroline prattle on Rose's anxiety turned to indignation and bitterness. Wouldn't it serve that stupid show-off, goody-two shoes right if someone stole her story? And then it hit her. That's what she could do, she didn't need inspiration, she just needed a little "help".

The parts I highlighted struck me as being better suited as internal thoughts for Rose, rather than narration. The wording is also a bit confusing, since it suggests a first-person perspective while the rest of the story is told in third-person. This is why I think those parts would be better as Rose's own words or thoughts.

Iniquitous wrote:Annoying yes, but they all grudgingly admitted she was talented. At writing. Not at interacting with people.

There should probably be a comma between "Annoying" and "yes," or else it doesn't sound right. Also, the periods I underlined should be either omitted or replaced with commas or a semicolon. They create fragments.

Iniquitous wrote:"Okay. Well, I have your email, so I'll talk to you later, k?"

The letter "k" works in text messages and such, but not in writing. Use something more onomatopoetic like "kay." Sound it out.

Iniquitous wrote:But she wasn't planning on taking the cowards way out, oh no, with a little ingenuity and some guts all her problems would be gone... she squashed the voice and went to get ready.

That first highlighted word should be "coward's" with an apostrophe, and "squashed" doesn't seem to fit here. Maybe another word like "silenced" or "ignored?"

Iniquitous wrote:The drug had kicked in fully; now was her chance, but not with the boy here.

This looks better, with a semicolon and comma. (changes in bold)

Iniquitous wrote:"Hey, Caroline, you okay? Hey! Maybe we should call an ambulance." He turned to face Rose and she smashed him in the head with a pole she'd picked up. She hit him a couple more times for good measure. The blood splattered all over Caroline as well as the ground. She wiped the end of the pole she'd been holding on her jacket, then placed it in Caroline's hands. Rose dipped her hand in the pool of the blood flowing from the wounds on Jake's head and smeared it on Caroline's hands. Then she pulled out her cellphone.

That highlighted part seems odd. She just randomly found a pole? Maybe if you could elaborate on that, or use an item more commonly found in alleys, like a brick, garbage can, or a hobo?

Iniquitous wrote:Rose returned to the room, carrying backpack with spare clothes in it. She'd just gotten back from disposing of the body. She'd wrapped him in a tarp, tied some rocks to it and thrown him in a nearby river. If she was lucky, he wouldn't resurface. Hopefully, at the very least, the evidence would be destroyed. She'd tossed the pole she used to kill him into the river after him.

This highlighted part seems to me like it could be omitted since it reveals details that aren't really needed. That's just my opinion, though. Ultimately, it's up to you.

Other than that, I liked the originality of your story. The absurdity of Rose's struggle just to avoid writing a bunch of pages grabbed my interest. If you read any of my short stories, you'll know that I like absurdity . This story was certainly interesting, and I hope you continue to write more like it in the future.

Chal