Distance

I wrapped my hands around my legs, and wiggled my toes in the sand. The warm summer breeze ruffled my dark hair. I placed a loose curl behind my ear.
A large wave broke a few feet away from me, but the water managed to reach my toes, to a place which so far had been dry, but I didn’t move. The cool water, only managed to bring a smile to my face. A smile that soon melted away. Then a shadow blocked the sand from my head. I looked up.
“Took you long enough,” I said grinning.
He smiled back. “Don’t blame me. Traffic was rough.”
I raised both eyebrows. “Really? ‘Cause the road was clear just a few moments ago.”
He shrugged. “Must have changed.”
I kept my eyebrows high.
He chuckled. “All right, all right. I woke up late. I kept hitting the snooze button. You know I’ve never been good with deadlines or anything of the sort.”
I laughed. “No, you haven’t. What are you going to do without me?”
He pursed his lips. “Be late. Drive people even crazier than I do when you’re around, stuff like that.”
“You better behave.”
He crossed his arms across his chest. “And you better not.”
I rolled my eyes. “You know that’s hard for me.”
“For me, it’s the contrary.”
My eyes traced his face, the mischievous smile that constantly played on his lips, the green eyes that never stopped laughing even when he did, the short, untidy, black hair that gave him that “bad boy” look. I grimaced. “You’re going to be late.”
“I haven’t said goodbye yet.” He placed his hands underneath my arms. I shrieked and giggled as he lifted me up. He hugged me so hard he blew the air out of me. When he let go, tears were welling up in my eyes.
“Ugh. Don’t.” He took a step back. “I hate it when you get emotional.”
I pushed him with the palm of my hand. “I’m allowed to get emotional today, you idiot. You’re leaving, and probably never coming back.”
He took in a deep breath and turned away.
“You’re having a hard time not crying too. Aren’t you?”
“No.” His voice broke.
I extended my arms to him. Reluctantly he walked into them.
“I’ll be back,” he promised.
“You better.”
There was a long silence.
“I just don’t get it,” I said.
“What?”
“Why are you going, while I stay here?”
He shrugged. “It’s just one of those things, you know. The sort that are a part of life, and only make sense later. Don’t try to figure it out now.”
“I won’t.”
He broke our embrace. “So…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I told Nick you would take me to the airport. I’m ride-less.”
I rolled my eyes. “Where are your bags?”
He grinned. “I dropped them next to your car.”
“You really are crazy. What if I couldn’t take you?”
He shrugged. “You still would.”

I laughed, but walked him to my car and drove him to the airport. That was ten years ago. Now I’m standing here on the very same beach, with my naked feet over the sand. Now, every piece of the puzzle is falling into place. I know why he left that day. It turns out I had to leave a few months later, to a different destination. It turns out that my life took many unexpected directions, directions I might have not taken if he had stayed here, because I would have never left him in the first place. I didn’t resent him for leaving me. I was sad he had, and I know I could’ve never made the same decision, but I could never be mad at him for too long.
He is supposed to come here today. I hope he does, but if he doesn’t it won’t matter. After all it’s been a long time. Still, I want to tell him how he was right, how everything makes sense now.
I sigh. Maybe he is not coming, I think, but just as I do, a shadow joins mine in the sand.

This was a nice short story! I just have a few things you could improve:

zoray wrote:I laughed, but walked him to my car and drove him to the airport. That was ten years ago.

Maybe start a new paragraph after the first sentence above. I think it would help the flow.


Also, there wasn't really a climax. I felt there was just exposition, and then it ended. If you add a climax of some sort your short story would be a lot more exciting.

As well, I didn't understand why the guy had to leave. I think if that was explained a little, at least a tiny bit more, readers would be able to connect and feel sad for your character when the guy leaves, etc.

All in all, good job!


~GenShawklan

Hello! I'm reviewing Duh.

First of all, I think that this story is in the wrong category. It might be better suited for the Romantic Short Stories category 'cause it's, well, romance.

Cons first!

The diaogue in general is slightly unbelievable. People don't actually talk in complete sentences or in a formal style. The way a character talks establishes their character, and if every caracter talks the same, they have no character. Reading lines out loud tends to help, or record and listen to a real conversation.

“Took you long enough,” I said grinning.
He smiled back. “Don’t blame me. Traffic was rough.”

He broke our embrace. “So…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I told Nick you would take me to the airport. I’m ride-less.”

So, in the first quotation you imply that he drove there. Unless they were both kidding (in which case it wasn't obvious that they were), he can't possibly not have a ride to the airport. You could say that he was in walking distance, or that he took a cab, cause I assumed that he drove himself there.

He hugged me so hard he blew the air out of me.

He hugged her, he didn't physically blow the air out of her. Try rephrasing the sentence or using different vocabulary.

Pros!
Your narration isn't overpowering the story, which is good considering the premise.
Your grammar is pretty good
The overall plot is engaging and enjoyable.

Keep it up!

Thanks to you both for the reviews!
I'll keep in mind the recommendations.

NumberSeven,you're the second person to point out that the description of the hug sounds strange, so that's certainly something I'll have to rephrase.
I guess I'll have to take a good look at the dialogue too. It didn't look to me like they were speaking formally, but I suppose there's a few things I could change. I'll try reading it out loud like you suggested.
Oh, I do have one objection, though. This may sound like a romance to some, but it's not intended to be a romance. The characters are, in my mind, just very close friends. But, yeah, I guess the reader can have different interpretation. The point of the story isn't to tell whether they are or aren't more than friends.

I enjoyed that - the dialogue in particular. I enjoyed the easy flow with which your characters spoke to each other. There are a few minor grammar issues, pointed out by those who've commented before me, but other than that it reads well. A suggestion I would have is to make a bit more of a distinction between the end of your character's memory and where it picks up ten years later.