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Last edited by jackle on Mon Feb 14, 2011 6:27 am, edited 14 times in total.
check it out - novel.php?id=1132




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Um, this seems like a good start. But I'm not completely sure about it.
The beginning is confusing with the family arguing and the Russell guy totally messing up the MC's foot. Which leads me to think, why didn't she clean it up before she ran outside where there's dirt and bacteria? She'd be sure to get an infection in like, five minutes, tops. And what happened to the floor and the blood? You can also describe the mess she's leaving behind on the floor with her bleeding foot.
Also, it's a little too fast. As if you're trying to get to the interesting part and sort of skim your way through the descriptions to write about her meeting a wolf/girl. Don't worry, I do that, too. it's easily fixed by simply adding a small description on things that aren't really described that much. For instance, you just said the MC was running away, describe where she's running, what she's run by, who might be looking at her as she runs, or something.
The reference to the dream is slightly confusing, maybe because you don't offer examples of how she doesn't take the opportunities or what she should be running from except her family, but that doesn't seem to be a good enough reason to leave. It's sort of like only showing us the covering of the MC, not taking it down and showing us who she really is.
Although you do give the MC a strong voice, which is very good.
The whole encounter with the wolf/girl thing was sort of rushed, too. you can describe her facial expressions and body language. And it seems weird that the MC would just approach a naked girl in the middle of the night in a forest.
You're story is vague, but if it's expanded, it can be better. I really did like it, though. It's rather interesting.
PM if you post more and I'll be glad to review it for you.
-dianne :smt001
The two most engaging powers of an author are to make new things familiar, and familiar things new.
Samuel Johnson

I'm not sarcastic, I'm simply verbally ironic.
Me




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Okay, I admit that you did a better job with this edit.

It was great that you fixed the beginning part when they're in the house. I like that you described what Russell and her act like before he came back and just rudely hurt her and called her names. Also, you did a great job describing what's happening while there's dialogue between the MC and Russell or Ingrid.

The part about Ollie and Phil is a good addition because you're sort of setting the stage up for something interesting with them and without giving us too much, you distinguished their relationship and what the MC thinks of them.

Also, the scene with the wolf girl was well paced and planned. It made sense for her to go talk to her when she wants to know what's up instead of just plain old walking up to her. And you gave pretty nice descriptions about where she is and all that.

The addition of the cell phone was great. It sort of added more character and personality to the MC, giving the reader an idea that maybe she isn't completely screwed up and has at least one person that can understand her outside of her family.

Overall, you did a good job with the edit and when you post more, you should PM me. :)
-Dianne
The two most engaging powers of an author are to make new things familiar, and familiar things new.
Samuel Johnson

I'm not sarcastic, I'm simply verbally ironic.
Me




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Hey there! Sorry this took me so long to get to. I actually read over it a few days ago, and then I wasn't real sure what to say plus it was late at night, so I thought I'd come back later, look over it again, then write your review. ^^ So here it is! Again, so sorry for the delay.

No Russell’s. No Ingrid’s.

No need for apostrophes (')

She was staring straight at me. It scared the crap out of me, despite her being completely expressionless. That somehow made it scarier.

This section jumped out to me because you're just telling here. "It was scary." "It scared me." What you want to do, instead, is write such a vivid scene of the girl, in such a manner both based on your wood choice, the tone you suggest, every detail you add, that the scene itself will be scary. Then, if you still want to get across that the speaker is frightened, show it. "I saw the girl and took a slow step back; my hands were shaking a little. What was she doing here?" What kinds of things do you do when your afraid? My heart races, my feet get hot. Show us what she feels, don't tell us.

She jumped, I screamed. She was going to break her legs, or her spine, or both. She was going to die. But then she wasn’t there anymore, it was a wolf instead. That made me scream harder.
Here, you try to show us how the speaker feels by saying she "screamed" and then she "scream[ed] harder" - which is good, you're not just telling - but it isn't vivid enough. You need to make it realistic. Screaming is a good start, but what else? Did she run towards the girl, shout "Don't!" try to stop her? or did she try to walk away, and fell over something? She wanted to run so she didn't have to see the girl die? Give her a more human reaction. In this situation, a person would do a lot more than only scream. So what would your character do?

Those are really the only tips I can think to give. This wasn't bad, and I would say that if you took the tips given to the previous points about show/tell and vivid, realistic detail and use it on the rest of the story, it would be even better. I think it's just not my kind of story. However, I like the way you've introduced it and I'm curious as to how/why she's going to become a shape shifter. Oh - and just a small point - be careful that the first person doesn't suck you right into the character's head, and nothing else! that is easy to do.

I also forgot one more thing!

“Zeda,” I gasped, seeing the caller ID on the screen. “You’re never gonna believe what just happen...”

This is another unrealistic happening. When someone calls me, and I see the caller I.D. I don't shout their name allowed. And then I don't talk to them before pressing talk or opening the phone or anything. So you're going to want to make it more obvious that she's picking up the phone. And also not have her shout the girl's name at herself. Maybe after she answers the call, but not before.

Best of luck with the rest!
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo



Life’s disappointments are harder to take if you don’t know any swear words.
— Bill Watterson