Oh my goodness. That was amazing. You did such a great job at building up suspense and letting us see the entire thing through a child's eyes. All that I can say is wow.
(Sorry, this wasn't very helpful as a review, but I couldn't find anything wrong with it.)
First things first, your character felt a little flat. Apart from his inclination for music I don't really feel much for him, as he lacked a few thoughts. Most of this was simply action and it might have worked in third person, but this is in first person and this ought to have more thoughts than it did.
Your character's penchant for bigger words also strikes me as forced and awkward. Because there was the occasional not-so-often-used word there, I thought he was older than he actually was. Hence, the comments about Aladdin being somewhat immature for such a character. When I found out he was twelve I was surprised, to say the least.
Although there were a few tense moments in the piece, I feel like you could really amp up the horror factor. I've read your posts in the storybook section and I know you can do much better. The part about him in the hallway kind of dragged, and his parents screaming didn't really work out for me. I feel it would have gone better with more hysterics, more struggle. I didn't entire hear their screams because you just told me she was screaming. You could have your MC shut his eyes and tell himself over and over again that Mom was all right, which would help me hear the screams and feel the fear as well.
I liked the description about the rain and the way you related it to music, though. (Yeah I just felt like saying that again.) It was gorgeous.
Moving on.
The ending was poignant, but the events leading up to it a little lacking. The MC escaped from the baddie so easily that it sort of lacked an impact. Or maybe it lacked an impact because of a few sentences that I found amusing there. :\ Those sentences ruined the mood you set in the basement.
The beginning was a little rambly, but all right. I'll forgive it because again, the musical sound of the rain really captured my attention.
The references, as I noted, worked once I learned he was twelve. But I didn't feel like he was twelve in the beginning, so they threw me off quite a few times. Again, can be fixed by being more careful with word choice.
Anyway, that's my two cents. PM me if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Kara
Last edited by Octave on Fri May 20, 2011 11:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“
Well Lara stole the words right out if my mouth. The story is great and kept me on the edge of my seat and I understood every word of it and felt as if I was right there as the MC was sleeping or running to the police station I loved this story and have high expectations from you. Keep writing and i'll keep reading.
What I liked most was the symbolism and foreshadowing. The continuous mentioning of 'the game' reminded me of "the Catcher in the Rye" because of all the game symbolism in it. Very nice foreshadowing, though I'm not exactly sure how the murderer was playing a game, but okay.
Anywho, what I thought weird was his age. I loved the beginning and all the descriptions he made about the storm, and I get how a 12-year-old can think like that. But, knowing to grab a bat, falling down stairs, standing up to a murderer... let me take this step by step.
Falling down the stairs
So I work with children over the summer, and I babysit all the time. My sister is 12. All I know is that if my sister fell down the stairs, she would start bawling and craving attention. How he's some sort of superhuman and can run 1.25 miles after falling down the stairs is a bit unbelievable, so you might want to consider changing some part of that so that is seems more realistic.
Knowing to grab a bat
Unless his parents had trained him to grab a bat when some weird noises are being heard, then this just doesn't seem realistic. First of all, it seems as if the bat appears out of nowhere. Since this comes out of nowhere, and since it is a short story and we need to know your character more, how about explaining to the readers why the bat was at such a convenient place. Like he just finished practice and put it there or something? Anyways, a little 12 year old boy grabbing a bat... I don't know, my dad does that when he hears noises. I don't think a kid would be able to think of it. But maybe your character is s superhuman!
Standing up to a murderer
So this is the weirdest part. I realize you wouldn't have much of an ending if he didn't stand up to this guy, but still, like what I said above, it's a bit weird. I even, a 16 year old girl who gets into fights on the soccer field, would never stand up to a murder. If he's doing it because he's young and doesn't know that it's not smart to go searching for the bad guy, then I would explain it to us through his voice. Say something like 'it's now my job to protect my parents' or something that would give him a but more innocence.
All around, I really liked this! It was thrilling, and the descriptions in the beginning were just so much fun to read!
