The First Angels

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I have mixed greek myths up so don't worry.
I have always known my father's death like I have always known the grass is green and the sky is blue. I don't believe I felt remorse when my mother told us. How could we when our first memories were of cold stone, harsh words, and our father's ill-fated doom?
But enough of riddles. My father was Icarus. Yes, the boy who flew to his death escaping on wings. That's the myth. The truth is that he and my grandfather lived in Crete. My father was eighteen and my grandfather too ancient to admit, but he was graced by the goddess Athena for the gift of building. The king of Crete –– Minos –– had a daughter. Her name was Cleopatra and she had lust for my father, a muscular youth. Within time, she became pregnant and my father was subjugated to the king's wrath. They decided to escape.
Many people believe that it was day, but they are wrong. It was a night as thick as syrup and as secretive as shadows. My grand father decided to first take he and Icarus to a safe house and then bring our mother later. O! But fate could not let that be. A gaurd spotted the escapees and shot an arrow at the closest one. My father. Grandfather says that Icarus whispered as he fell to the waves, "I'm sorry Cleopatra." and then plummeted to his doom.
Nine months later, the princess birthed happy healthy triplets who were Medea, Circe, and I Calypso, the youngest. Unusually, we were all born with wings because of our father. Medea's were red like sun sets, Circe's were enchanting gold, and mine were blue as the waves my father plummeted towards.
As we grew older, we were harder to keep so grandfather devised a plan to separate us so King Minos–– cruel man, may he be cursed forever!–– could not kill us. I still remember my mother's parting words.
Medea was hidden with a loving king and queen, Circe was hidden on an island, and I was hidden with Atlas the titan.
When I grew, I forgot my mother's wise words Now, I remeber. So here I am centuries later to tell the world them.

We are the first angels. :elephant: :smt003 :D
Please review!
Last edited by Sionarama on Sat Feb 06, 2010 3:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!"
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Ooh! Greek myth retellings! Shiny.

I don't believe I felt remorse when my mother told us. How could we when our first memories were of cold stone, harsh words, and our father's ill-fated doom?

This confused me a bit. Is it that because she had first grown up with such horrible things that she didn't have the experience to feel remorse? If so, you might want to spell it out a bit more clearly. I know afterward she says "enough of riddles", but this just seems unnecessarialy confusing.

my grand-father

Here you put it with a hyphen and most other places later, you spell it as two words. "Grandfather" is all one word, with no hyphen.

Her name was Cleopatra and she had lust for my father a muscular youth.

There should be a comma between "father" and "a".

Question: did Icarus and his father escape on wings? It seems like they do, since you reference the story in the beginning, but you don't say as much in your telling. You mention plummeting and whatnot, but not the actual way in which they escaped. It'd probably be a good idea, since someone who has never read the Icarus story might read this and be confused as to why Cleopatra's children are born with wings.

Ten months later

Is it special that they were born ten months later? Most human pregnancies are about nine months.

Ten months later, the princess birthed happy healthy triplets who were Medea (the oldest), Circe (the middle) and I (the youngest) Calypso.

I'd try to eliminate the parentheses in here. Stylistically, they don't look very nice in the body of the story and you can have the same effect without them.

ex. Ten months later, the princess birthed happy, healthy triplets: Medea, Circe, and myself. I am Calypso, the youngest.

The order they are listed in gives you an pretty idea of their birth order.

When I grew, I forgot my mother's wise words. So here I am centuries later to tell the world them.

If she had forgot them, how can she tell them now? Is it just that she didn't heed them? And what were they? Were they "We are the first angels"? If so, how did Cleopatra have a name for angels if they didn't exist before then? Or were those not her words? I'm a bit confuzzled.

Anyway, I like the idea for this. Greek myths are near and dear to my heart and retellings are the bomb. I look forward to seeing where this is going!

~GryphonFledgling
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Hello!

I love Greek myths, so I got excited when I spotted some Greek Mythology terms here! I think what you have is really cool, I especially like the three angels/your MC. You have a really neat idea, and I think you could do a lot with this!

Perhaps if you put some meat on this though! Right now, it's just a skeleton for what it could be. As long as this is a prologue/preface to the actual story, I think you should make this breathe more. Right now, it's just telling the reader a story, "telling" being the keyword. But as the reader, we want to picture it. This is where your skills as a writer kick in. You gotta express the true feelings of the MC through this story, the very scents or sights in the story. Otherwise, the reader will just get bored, and that's no good! Especially for such an interesting idea.

So! I think if you use some more description, it'll seem more alive. Give the characters character (Confusing, right? xD), describing their quirks or how they talk or how they act (i.e. don't just tell us the king's cruel), describe in detail the story and exactly what happened (or since this is a memory, put in more of the MCs thoughts and make it flow together--how would you tell this story to a stranger/reader?). With the first person PoV, you want the reader to be in the MC's head and know exactly what's happening from their perspective.

That's the only thing that I have to say though! Beef it up! I'm excited for this idea though. The three angels are really cool. (My Greek Mythology's a bit sketchy, but I still enjoyed it!) I hope you continue this. :D

Keep writing!

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But enough of riddles. My father was Icarus. Yes, the boy who flew to his death. That's the myth. The truth is that he and my grand-father lived in Crete
Grandfather works not grand father or grand-father.
–– cruel man, may he be cursed forever!––
Do you mean a cruel man or something?
I really enjoyed your book how you described the wings was really cool and just how your made everything flow was really awesome. I enjoy reading the next chapter whenever it comes out haha!
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Pretty story,I like those nice miths, and i love the greek gods, and i also love angels, your story had everything. :D :D 8) :D :D :lol: :lol:
¡¡¡Yo sere la que cree mi camino desde este momento, yo sere la quien grite, la quien mande, porque ahora tengo el control de mi vida en mis manos!!! xD xD xD




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Great job wonderfully told exceptionally devised. I LOVE IT!!! the story line was a little confusing :smt003 :smt002 :smt001
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