Maze of My Rabbit

This was a work inspired by the relationship between Charles Dodgson(Lewis Carroll) and the young, Alice Liddell.

I lure you in with cakes and wine
All I need is for you to be mine
Future outcasts to be
We’re both far off the tree
Fall down the hole
No need to feel control
Follow the red and white colors
Its no concern of your’ mother’s
Follow the rabbit
Break all your habits
Come and sit with me
We’ll drown in our tea
Time is dead
She chopped off its head
Run around in the trap
I preserve you in vials, and seal the cap

My little gypsy, so lively and bold
I love you, remember-you’ll never grow old

Very nice. I see you've paid great attention and truly enjoy Lewis Carroll's work. Anyway, down to business. Normally I have to instruct people on the beat of the poem, and fading in and out from rhyming to not rhyming, you know. But, you seem to have control over that. I particularly liked this little snippet:

Time is dead
She chopped off it’s head

Very nice. GOLD STAR!!! Keep writing!

does are strong words I enjoyed the words you use, but the poem as a whole i'm not too sure about, firsty I didn't see any puntuation until about the end of the poem, the stlye of formatting seems rought it would have been better if it was a two line a stanza formatting then it will be much more easy to read and probably understand. then there come the whole theme of the poem its really hard to tell what you meant by the poem were you just talking about friendship or a relationship between a human and a rabbit, the bringing in of the mothers concern was were th doubt of were the poem really meant began to set in. with just some little touches i think your poem will be just fine

Ooo... creepy. This was a nice little piece. Nitpicks:

"It’s no concern of your’ mother’s"
should be "It’s no concern of your mother’s"

and "she chopped off it's head" should be "she chopped off its head". I think. Time is more of an object than a person, I'd say.

Also, your punctuation was inconsistent. Utilize the period!

Other than that, nice job.

Hi there, White Rabbit!

I liked this poem. It has a unique concept.

Nitpicks:

White Rabbit wrote:I lure you in with cakes, and wine

Drop the comma after 'cakes.'

White Rabbit wrote:Follow the red, and white colors

Drop the comma after 'red.'

White Rabbit wrote:It’s no concern of your’ mother’s

Not sure if it's a mistake, but 'your' doesn't need an extra apostrophe.

White Rabbit wrote:Time is dead
She chopped off its head

My favourite line. (Its, not it's)

White Rabbit wrote:My little gypsy, so lively, and bold

Drop the comma after 'lively.'

White Rabbit wrote:I love you, remember, you’ll never grow old

The phrasing here is a little odd. Maybe try something like:

I love you - remember, you'll never grow old.

For me, I'd prefer the last two lines to be separated from the rest of the poem, so that it leaves a much more dramatic imprint on the reader.

Overall, as I said before, this poem had a nice concept, but the lacking of punctuation hindered my enjoyment of this piece. But don't give up! This has potential. It just needs improvement on the punctuation.

I'd like to see more of your work. Keep writing!

Dreamy115 wrote:Ooo... creepy. This was a nice little piece. Nitpicks:

"It’s no concern of your’ mother’s"
should be "It’s no concern of your mother’s"

and "she chopped off it's head" should be "she chopped off its head". I think. Time is more of an object than a person, I'd say.

Also, your punctuation was inconsistent. Utilize the period!

Other than that, nice job.

Ha Ha! This is cute because Alice said the same thing! In the story time was a person, who was executed by the Red Queen.

Alice sighed wearily. `I think you might do something better with the time,' she said, `than waste it in asking riddles that have no answers.'

`If you knew Time as well as I do,' said the Hatter, `you wouldn't talk about wasting it. It's him.'

`I don't know what you mean,' said Alice.

`Of course you don't!' the Hatter said, tossing his head contemptuously. `I dare say you never even spoke to Time!'

`Perhaps not,' Alice cautiously replied: `but I know I have to beat time when I learn music.'

`Ah! that accounts for it,' said the Hatter. `He won't stand beating. Now, if you only kept on good terms with him, he'd do almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine o'clock in the morning, just time to begin lessons: you'd only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling! Half-past one, time for dinner!'