Under your Spell

Before I post this, I just want to say that I wrote this lyric poem out of boredom, it doesn't really mean much to me.

I see you through those velvet curtains
When you come out at night
You've got the eyes that glint
Like a diamond, ever so bright


Even thought you make me so hot
I can resist those stared
The way you try to seduce me
It is so hard to bear


You got me under your spell
Don't do it, it puts me through hell
I have to run for cover
Before you make me your lover


I know it won't work
I hate the way you lurk
Don't do it no more
You won't keep me to the fore


You whisper to me about passion
How many times will you stop me
from releasing me from your mier
It has already been too much seen


There's nothing I won't do
To prevent me from seeing you
But I won't get trapped in your decoy
Iy's not me who you'll destory


You got me under your spell
Don't do it, it puts me through hell
I have to run for cover
Before you make me your lover


I know it won't work
I hate the way you lurk
Don't do it no more
You won't keep me to the fore


This devotion won't happen so long
No longer will you be strong


You got me under your spell
Don't do it, it puts me through hell
I have to run for cover
Before you make me your lover


I know it won't work
I hate the way you lurk
Don't do it no more
You won't keep me to the fore


uh oh
uh oh


Don't do it no more
You won't keep me to the fore.

Before I critique this, I'm going to ask you why you posted it if it doesn't mean anything to you. What is the point of that disclaimer? To make our critiques easier because you want us to know that you won't use them? Why display a work that you're not proud of? Please consider the point of posting your work next time you do.

Also, lyric poetry is not the same as lyrics. These seem to be lyrics, and there is actually a lyrics section for that! ^_^ Next time you post lyrics, search for the correct category. Oh, and also edit your post (or at least check the spelling) before you post. It's all to show respect to your fellow YWSians!

On to the piece, though.
I thought it was dull, but it started out with some strong lines!

I see you through those velvet curtains
When you come out at night
You've got the eys that glint
Like a diamond,

This piece is strong and paints a picture, makes the reader want to know what comes next, but then you drop it flat. Nothing else is new, because I believe the rhyme controlled you rather than the other way around. You wrote a line, then wrote in a nonsense line that was vaguely related so you could have a couplet. If you write in rhyme, you need to control the rhyme.

I would suggest reworking this poem to revolve around the image of the glinting eyes behind the curtain and how they cast a spell with that glint, but since it doesn't mean anything to you, I don't know what the point of that would be.

PM me if you have questions.

-Hannah-

Hey! This is more of a song, don't you think?? Especially because of that one repetitive stanza.

SORRY I DIDN'T KNOW where to post it cos i only joined yws last year. :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

I agree with what Hannah said... what did you expect to hear? Layla accused you of posting a song rather than lyric poetry, but that's dumb because its only a song if there's music.. or the intention of being a song. There's lots of reasons a poem could look like lyrics for a song.

If you want some advice on how to write something that you can be confident in, I'd suggest writing something shorter. Poetry is great because you can say more, with less. Your rhyme scheme was awful.... I'd just say buy yourself a poetry anthology, read it through a few times, and then try again.

Keep in mind William Carlos William's quote: "No poetry except in things"

Better luck next time

Jeez!! You don't have to be THAT harsh perdido!! Don't just yell at him like that! He doesn't know,, give him a chance