It'll Be Okay

Nebesah · 2009-01-26T02:00:15Z

It'll Be Okay She holds her child close, clutched in the grip of terror. They listen to him downstairs, waiting for him to leave them Alone Alone with their bruised and bleeding arms & faces. The child is crying, sobbing loudly. "It'll be okay," she whispers, tears sliding down her cheeks. He holds his child close, savoring his last moments with her. He listens to her breathing, dreading the moment it stops. Death Death has her in its grasp, pulling her under. The child is crying, sobbing weakly. "It'll be okay," he whispers, tears sliding down his cheeks. He holds his son close, for the last time without knowing. He cannot hear while sleeping, unaware of what will be Gone Gone, and never coming back, no matter what happens. The father is now crying, heart-breaking tears. "It'll be okay," the son whispers, tears sliding down his cheeks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you want me to explain the last stanza, just send me a message and I'll tell you. It's a long, sad story that I didn't feel like typing.

TrinLovesU

Gender

Points 890

Reviews 4

Sun Mar 15, 2009 8:39 pm

TrinLovesU says... · Sun Mar 15, 2009 8:39 pm

Great job! I truly enjoyed your poem(though I didn't completely understand it) You seem to be a very emotional writer. What i mean by that is you make me feel your emotions. I think you could work on . . . well i don"t see anything you need to work on. Again, good job!

Some people blame our generation, but have they stopped to think, who RAISED us?
-photo bucket quote

Quote

k17x

Gender

Points 890

Reviews 12

Tue Mar 17, 2009 3:27 am

k17x says... · Tue Mar 17, 2009 3:27 am

this poem hits pretty close to home with most people. it's graphic, and touching, and purely painful and emotional.

the only real complaint i have is the last stanza, it seems like it's a little confusing to me. i also do not like the phrase "heart-breaking tears". it sounds like you made a word up because you couldn't find a better one.
i would suggest "crushing" or maybe "heartfelt" or "shattering".

shattering/shattered/crushing/heartfelt tears sounds much more intense, and painful than heart-breaking.

i like it!

Kisba
(-it hurts to see the ones you love with the ones they love more-)

Quote

StoryWeaver13

Gender

Points 28282

Reviews 884

Sun May 16, 2010 6:12 am

StoryWeaver13 says... · Sun May 16, 2010 6:12 am

Aww, sad.

Still, I have to review honestly.
Negatives: I think the repetition of some of the lines took something away. I was also confused by the last part, when you talk about a son? I thought a father was losing his daughter, but now...? I'm...confused...
Positives: Emotional piece that definately made me sad. And the whole point of poetry is to make people feel something, isn't it? Gotta give you props there.
In general, this was a good piece that could continue to be perfected. Keep writing.

Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket

Quote

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources