Dollhouse [Ch. 3]

[Deleted]

Hey again!
Here for the last review.

“Don’t trip,” Tasha warns, sounding strangely serious for such a small request. #FF0000 ">Because I don't really like sentences that start with Because. Try writing it like ~ She knows more about this than I do, so I figure it's best... e.t.c. she knows more about this than I do, I figure it’s best just to listen to what she says. The railing beneath my hand is wooden and cool on my… skin as I hop carefully down each step.

The crash we heard not even five seconds ago worries me. Did someone get hurt? It wouldn’t make sense for any of us to get hurt – we’re dolls! Tasha jumps the last few steps and hits the ground running, but I walk down them in fear of tripping #FF0000 ">and then follow. Call me paranoid.

In an instant, Tasha stops and I have to skid to keep from running into her. God, she seemed so nice at first, but now she's acting kind of inconsiderate. Maybe this is serious, but that doesn’t stop me from getting a little annoyed. I peer out from behind her#FF0000 ">, You don't really need this comma. and she steps aside for me to see well. My jaw falls slack in shock.

Two girls are before me, both beautiful. Too perfect, like Tasha, only one has a creamy beige skin tone and straight black hair, while the other is pure albino. Both their faces are contorted with the terror of what has happened. “No!” I hear Tasha croak beside me. Only then do I realize her face is horrified too. #FF0000 ">She knows, though, I can tell. This seemed kind of confusing. What does she know?

“Wha-what is this?” I blurt out, looking automatically at Tasha for the answer. Obviously a bad idea, she has tears running down her cheeks. I don’t wait for an answer#FF0000 ">, but instead#FF0000 ">, try to figure out the scene before me. The albino girl is on her knees, both hands clapped over her mouth, looking straight into the sad brown eyes of the other girl who has fallen. She’s slumped against the wall, looking from the albino girl to a gaping jagged hole in her arm. Around her on the floor appears to be shattered porcelain.

“Starla…I’m so sorry!” cries the albino. Starla looks up, hurt and sadness filling her eyes, but she didn’t seem mad in the least. “I didn’t mean to…I just–“

“It’s fine,” says Starla in a small voice. “Daisy, we all have to go eventually you know.”

Tasha leans down and hugs Starla. “I’ll miss you,” she murmurs into her hair, voice muffled.

“I’ll miss you too, Tash. A lot.” Those words were her last, and she goes limp. Around the gaping hole in Starla’s arm, cracks begin to propagate. Tasha pulls away quickly. A gas-like, purplish substances swirls around the opening of the wound, and slowly rises like steam, spiraling to the ceiling as the cracks spread along her face and down her legs. Suddenly, she shatters completely and all that’s left is a pile of broken porcelain. Tasha and Daisy stare at the ceiling sadly. I like this description! Although, the first sentence was a bit on the long side. Maybe you could shorten it?

“Who broke?” The voice is so sudden I jump. I recognize it as Rose’s. The blue eyed redhead is looking #FF0000 ">at me for the answer, which makes sense because Tasha and Daisy weren’t mentally here at the moment.

“Starla,” I reply sadly. The grief in this hall is contagious. Rose makes a small “O#FF0000 ">hz” with her mouth and glances at Tasha sympathetically.

“That was her best friend, you know.” She murmurs softly. Daisy looks down and walks away. Tasha turns, grief-stricken. “I’ll get Grayson to take her remains away, Tasha. It hurts to look at them, so I suggest you and Nex go back to your room now.” Rose follows Daisy down the hall.

“Come,” Tasha mutters in a monotone that worries me. She begins to walk upstairs. I walk up, grab her arm, and pull her back down.

“I’m really, really sorry about Starla, but moping won’t help. Do you even know if she died?” Tasha shakes her head. “See? She’s probably alive somewhere.” A sad smile crosses her face.

“Thanks for trying,” she says, but I can tell the thought cheered her a little. When I start to walk down the hall the same way Rose and Daisy went, she follows me. It feels good to lead, just as it feels good to follow sometimes. I liked this line... I don't know why. It was just good! Right now, I need someone to follow that doesn’t make me want to cry just by looking at them, and Tasha needs someone she knows better. I see a pair of doors leading outside the building, and pull them open.

Overall

I'm still interested in this! Once again, I like your descriptions and the idea as a whole. It's still very original. Also, the title is very suited to the story itself, and I love it. The grammar is still almost perfect, except for those pesky commas. There weren't any noticeable spelling mistakes and your story is still making me wonder. It's making me ask questions which is what's keeping me very interested.

My main critique is about all of the chapters really. The slight problem is that your story can be a bit on the confusing side at times. It's mainly because of the way you sometimes phrase things. When the doll died, for example. I'm not too sure about how she died and what happened. I understand that you probably want to keep that as a bit of a mystery, but remember, there is such thing as too mysterious sometimes. It's fine for the prologue of a story to be that bit more mysterious, but when it comes to the rest of the story, too much mystery can get a bit annoying. Mystery in the first chapter is also okay, come tom think of it, just don't overload the mystery! Mainly because mystery can turn into confusion if you're not careful!

My other slight critique is that the story's moving a bit fast. Maybe you could slow down a bit? A way you can solve this problem is by simple making the chapters longer. You need to make sure that the readers know what is going on. This comes under the confusion thing a bit, actually. Include some more description, make things seem more vivid. I know that you are very good at describing, so including some more descriptions would definitely work! As long as you don't create annoying clumps all over your work; that would make me cry. What I'm basically trying to say is to slow down a bit! When you read over your story, think to yourself, I know what I'm trying to say, but would everyone else understand? It's a lot harder said than done, but practice makes perfect!

My only nit-pick is the usual one; commas! To be fair, the comas in this chapter have been used a lot better than in the previous ones. I think that you're beginning to grasp when and where commas are needed. There is still the odd long sentence and the odd misused comma, but you have definitely improved. I think that your main problem is putting commas where they are not needed. Like I've said in previous reviews, commas are some really confusing things. Really, the only way to use commas correctly all of the time is to practice and practice! I myself still struggle with them a lot of the time.

Negatives aside, I really am glad I've read these chapters! You might have the odd grammar hitch, but spelling wise, it's perfect. I didn't come across any obvious spelling mistakes, anyway. Also, like usual, I loved your descriptions. I especially liked the way you described the gas around the doll that died. It was very original and the idea as a whole was good. Once again, it wasn't a giant clump of description, so well done. Keep using these descriptions and I will be very, very happy.

Another thing that I like are the names of your characters. They actually sound like doll names, really effective! I'm not sure what doll names sound like, or anything, but your names really seem to suit your characters. I also like the characters themselves, they are quite quirky and interesting. Each one of them have their own personality as well, so that's definitely a good thing. Lots of writers have the problem of making their characters behave in the same way, which can be seriously annoying at times. I've been told that I'm good at making my characters interesting and different, not that I'm bragging. You also clearly do this well! Thumbs up for that!

As for the idea itself, this is my favourite part. The idea of a load of dolls living in a dollhouse is very original and very good. It's definitely the kind of thing that I would buy, mainly because of it's originality. What I love most abut it is that it kind of reminds me of Toy Story! I love Toy Story, it was, like, my favourite film as a kid. You aren't copying the idea of Toy Story though, thankfully. Well done for that. Another good thing about the idea itself is the way that you've written it. It makes me wonder, makes me want to know some more about the story and what is going to happen. This makes me want to read on, so bravo!

Overall, this is a very interesting story and I'm definitely glad that you asked me to review what you have so far. Your characters are interesting, your spelling is perfect, your grammar's perfect (Except for those pesky commas), you have great descriptions and the idea itself is great! All that you need to do is clean those commas up, clear some things up, slow the pace down slightly, and keep doing what you're doing!

Keep writing and good luck! If you want another review, just ask me in my WRFF thread.

xoxo Skins

Psh! So I'm a comma freak! It's in my nature. Thanks for the reviews, I'll take your advice! (And try not to use so many commas)

I like toy story too, by the way!
The difference in this becomes VERY clear the end, and then it seems nothing like toy story at all. Toy story wasn't so sad.

Well, that was unexpected. I like how you created something totally new and the whole "don't trip" idea. I thought they were like barbies at first. Lol. You proved me wrong

"Too perfect, like Tasha, only one has a creamy beige skin tone and straight black hair, while the other is pure albino." This sentence just struck out a bit funny to me. Maybe you could take out the only? It's just my opinion.

Besides that, good work! I'm loving every word of it.

-Cressy

Next chapter may - will - be delayed. Sorry.