Re: The Old Woman and the Werewolf (2 of 2)

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! You can't end it like that!!! I want to know what happens afterwards!

On to reviewing. I didn't notice any (or barely) grammar mistakes, so I won't even bother going through that.

Again, I enjoyed the flow of your writing. I didn't have to pause to re-read something or because there was a mistake, which is huge when you want a good story. I was hooked through the whole story (1st and 2nd part).

My only pet peeve would be - as I so nicely stated earlier - the ending. It doesn't end badly, but there are so many things we still want to know about them and what happens between them, that it sucks for it to end.

So if ever you had the idea to post a little extra on this or something, PM me!!!

Hey.

Foudn the 'how do you know about the code?!|' repetition a bit eh. And I've kinda taken a liking to that last little word. So expressive! :p But Jean's - William's: so very needed? Is he Bad Guy? Why is he talking, asking, threatening-ish? Can't he just bloody do it?

So courteous so she can say she knows someone. And then he believes her (just like that... - maybe a vague remembrance or sthing, anything would do the thing, but right now it's forced and much to easy. much to easy. I'll repeat that again: much too easy).

By this time a realization is dawning on me. So much conversation - and it will keep going that way, because that's the grounding of this piece. Conversation. Creative on her part, ok on Terry's who mostly only replies.

More diluted (yes, that';s teh word I've been searching for: so many words enclosed by quotes, everything goes and becomes diluted): the question of whether he heard. Well hell yes, he heard. Obviously. Did she believe he hadn't? (we don't know much about werewolves, but better hearing? maybe, this: later). Even if he had been an ordinary human, he would have heard because we was kinda eavesdropping? I mean, I don't like the question. There.

The brackets. Werewolves. Williams. The ghost said: boo. Basically: werewoolves are the focus of this short story - maybe more of an emphasis should be put on the fact that Terry's a werewolf. There's the meaningless change ta the beginning (meaningless because we don't actually see anything, it's just said), we have looking for weaknesses (superb), a bit of vioelnce (but because he's a werewolf or it's just him) and some general conversation - but from the angle of it defining Terry as a character? Not much.

He got to Jean because he';s a werewolf, werewolf buisiness (that's fantastic, that's: reasons, motivatoions, characterization). After that it kind of goes downhill. What I mean is, focus not only on Terry Person, but Terry Werewolf. Not in conversation, but him him himself. (how does he move, walk, react, smell/hear whatever, even in human form, how does he differ from a normal human as a human but not normal, but werewolf?). Code thing was original, though.

So she knows some Alpha. Drops a name, all trouble dissapears. Sky clears. We find out she's gonna die (feel vaguely sorry: think you should aim for a stronger reaction on my part, so maybe strive for a more emotional not way, not impact, but acceptance, adress). Or maybe cut it altogether. This happens such a lot, a good character finding otu she'll die.

That's conflict culumination, I was in the middle of asking?

Somewhere along, we lost the beginning in which he was hrut, running away, (scared?). We have William mentioned. We had the Situation in the Beginning. Which dies and not even leaves ashes, because it's non-existant. Then we circle, get to Jean talking (so back to Point no 1 which doesn't matter becyase so quickly solved). Between that is talk.

In the previous piece, I think I told you they talk too long. Enter Realization. And I'm, again, a bit dissapointed. Her one sentence (well, one speech of jean's) resolves the whole piece. Do you know why I'm unhappy now? Up till that point, she basically talked talkes talked to Terry, Terry talked back. Then the Bad Guys after Terry show up, she talks talks talkes. All is well. That's teh quick summary.

Cut half the blabbering, btohing bad happens to the story. It's - alright, the talking. But banter is the only thing I got out of this, in the end. Pinacle of the story - flat.

Do we know why Terry's hurt? Yeah, yeah, because he was in that territory... But my point is, I never felt afraid for him, not even when the others appeared. Solutions seems forced, as if you didn't know how to end this, but you wante dto end this, so pulled a deus ex machina of sorts.

Concluding, focus on Terry more. The info/presenting of his on one hand, personality choice on the other and the werewolf aspect. His being hurt was a bit artificial (although thta's why hge broke into the house... hm). Jean's fantastic (but is all her talking necessary?) - the intro of hers is a bit flat. Other People completing circle with Crisis At Beginning = conflict. Dissapointing.

You have a well-written, veyr good story on your hands. I might have said a lot of horrid things, but purely on the basis of the first sentence of this paragraph. It can be made wonderful! Publishable! Yes? So do something with that ending.

Edit: Yes, yes, I know the title is what it is, but come on. And in the end, she's still a bad sort of enigma. Mysterious character, fine, but she's too much like Gandalf.

*whoot* Part two!

Still liked this, but having come to the end, it seems like it's more of a scene of a greater story, or just a meeting, a moment in time, rather than a fully contained story. It doesn't really wrap up, just sort of ... ends.

Jean seems very easily rankled in this part. She takes offense quickly and is quite defensive about everything. Maybe that's just more of her being older and not being willing to put up with any crap, but it got a little irritating. Can't she just let some things go? Or, if not, why does she let Terry and all of his offenses go? It seems like once she got someone else to inflict her wrath on, she let him slide. Why? If she's really going to be that crotchety, then you would think she would be that crotchety all the time, what with the way she talks tough. But then she softens up on Terry. Why?

Also, why does Terry often to come back and fix the damage he inflicted. I thought he was on the run? Why would he come back to somewhere they could find him, and possibly bring down danger on Jean? I know he's a nice guy, but that seems kind of stupid. Why doesn't Jean point this out to him?

Esme pointed out something: While this story is supposed to be about werewolves, there seems to be very little about werewolves in it. It seems like you're trying to touch on the idea that werewolves had a life before they were werewolves, but it's not coming through too well. It needs a bit more in-depth exploring.

This doesn't mean you have to make it all about the werewolves. It seems to be more about the human element than the supernatural anyway, just sort of using the supernatural as the background. But neither one is explored too thoroughly and so they sort of cancel each other out. Pick one and follow it through. Explore a little more of Jean's backstory and how she ties in. You don't have to explain everything, but wipe away a little bit of the mystery. Right now, she's a little hard to relate to beyond being a kickass old lady. She's got terminal cancer. This could be such a humanizing thing, contrasting her tough exterior, but it doesn't seem to have much emotional clout behind it. What exactly does it mean to her? How does she feel about it? A little more than the quick brush-off she has would be nice, making her more sympathetic and having us care about her.

I did like this. It just felt more like a scene, a quick exploring of a theme, rather than a story. It doesn't need to be much more than it is events-wise, but a bit more depth to the theme would be nice.

Pretty spiffy though. *like*

~GryphonFledgling

Hey Conrad,

You'd think I'd have nothing to say after all those wonderful reviews, but I do

I thought you should leave out the part of her cancer altogether. I mean, like Esme said, I felt sad that she had it but other than that, I didn't really care. That's because you haven't brought us to love her yet, to feel for her. You probably don't watch sappy love movies but if you ever watch A walk to remember or Sweet november, you realise that we first fall in love with the characters before finding out that they are terminally ill. That's what I would like here.

Also, the dialogue sort of bugs me. Same here as in the first chapter but it's not really dialogue, it's 'throwing back sentences at one another'
"What's your name?*
"What's it to you?"
"What's your name, I said."
"Why do you care?"
And so on. Just answert the question or don't! Argh!

Anyway, the story itself is intriguing and interesting. I just hope you don't make it about only the old lady and the werewolf. I mean, that is the title but if you name your story this way, your readers will expect to SEE werewolves, not just this one in particular.

Anyway, those are just my thoughts, please pm me for the next?

Tanya