Wild Horses Of The Sea [Edit]

How are they so wild and free?
The wild horses of the sea.
They rush across the white sands,
their perfect hooves pummel the land.
They flick their tails creating waves,
whinnying, braying and flicking their manes,
They run forever towards the Earth,
but they crash, fall, dragged by the surf.
Still, they get back up and run again,
running until the coming rain.
Forward they surge when the rains come,
It fuels them, gives them strength to run.
Why can’t we be wild and free?
Like the wild horses of the sea

That was beautiful, and awesome. And slightly silly and whimsical because, wild horses of the sea?? XD Too cool.

Lydia1995 wrote:whinnying and braying and flicking their manes,

maybe this should be

Lydia1995 wrote:whinnying, braying and flicking their manes,

because it seems a little clunky as stands.
Besides that, great topic and great job. Is this like your take on how waves are made, your own mythology? Super brownie points for the creative topic.
Great job and keep thumping out those words,
Empress

This was awesome! I loved the idea behind it. You told a story that was sad and hopeful at the same time. Hm... I don't think there's anything I can find that's wrong with this poem! I'm just curious to learn more about the inspiration behind it, I guess. But great, great job, Lydia! *stars*

Thanks guys for your comments.

As for my inspiration...
I live in Cornwall and many people refer to the surf as the white horses. You know like when it crashes on the sand it froths white. I dunno its weird but I decided to use it for inspiration.

Thanks for all your comments,
~Lydia

Hey there Lydia! All right, as has been said, I like the idea here. It was really fun to read and you had a few simply dazzling lines! Great job! It's a lovely, whimsical poem and I enjoyed it immensely. I just want to point one or two little things:

They rush across the white sands,
their perfect hooves caressing the land.

this rhyme seemed force, and do hooves really 'caress' land? Caress seems like too gentle of a word here!

They run forever towards the Earth,
but they crash and fall, taken by the surf.

This is such a nifty idea, but this rhythm sounds awkward! The main problem I had with this piece was rhythm actually. Most of it was rather consistent, but rhythms like this stuck out and jarred it for me. To fix this, read it aloud and decide what rhythm you want. But be careful not to intersperse largely rhyhmical lines with lines that jar the rhythm!

All in all, I like this piece! Nice job and keep writing! PM me if you have any questions!

Hi there Lydia1995. I'm Conrad, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

So, I really like this poem. You have such wonderful imagery here, the way you describe the breakers of the ocean and how you compare them to white horses is quite good. I greatly enjoyed being able to read it. What's more, this poem is just the appropriate length. It's not too long so that we're bored with it, and it's not so short that we don't get to enjoy it.

So, thank you very much for sharing this with us. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hi Lydia,

I agree with WD above in that your piece could be immensely improved if you worked on the rhythm. There's a few times when it really ruins the flow of your poem. Your best bet for working out where the bumps are is by reading it aloud to yourself. If you juggle syllables and change a few words, there's a good bet this would flow a lot better overall.

As for the meaning, I was quite taken aback by a poem on YWS that actually delved past the obvious connotations. Although surf is quite often referred to as "white horses," it's still suggestive of your efforts that you didn't just present the mundane or obvious but pushed past that.

I'd like to see you try even harder if your next efforts by pushing for new metaphors of your own creation. It'll be worth it.

Good luck!

What a lovely poem! Definitely a star for you!

Anyway, these lines was rather odd:

But they get back up and run again,
because the sea horses feel no pain.

It just seemed like a strange note to end it on since it didn't really seem as strong, or at least as strong as everything else in this poem. I would have hoped for something stronger! And there were a couple of places where this poem didn't run... don't be afraid of deleting a couple of words like "the" or (if the possessive is clear) "their" for the sake of smoothness.

Still! Gorgeous, gorgeous poem. Thanks for posting it!

Wow, I rarely read poetry but that was amazing! The imagery and rhyming were great. I could actually see the wild horses of the sea rearing up and spraying water into the air. Wow. You simply must keep writing poetry. Good job!

really great! i loved it! that's the best poem I've read in a while (and that's saying a lot ) however, at first i thought i was reading about seahorses. I don't know, maybe that's just me. Good work!

I liked this one because I thought it threw up some valid points. Why can't we be free? Still, back to the review, your writing style is very good, the whole thing flowed easily and ypu didn't deviate off the subject, a very easy thing to do in this genre. Good job and I hope to see more of your work in this forum!