Never Ending Land

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 3063
Reviews 14
A quick short that I thought of
Hiadel

The room I'm standing in is barely a room. It forms a tight square around me and surrounds me with red and white wallpaper. It's so tight that you could mistake the room as a large empty coat closet or one of those rooms where women wait to use the restroom in fancy restaurants. Above me there is this glass overhang letting light radiate onto the black suit and tie I'm wearing. As I look at the sides of my square prism I notice that each side is identical. All the sides have a wooden door in the middle with stone pillars flanking its right and left sides. If you were to step closer to the doors you could see where the crafters had engraved each door with thousands of etchings, making the doors seem more like cathedrals with the amount of detail that was laid into them.

There was one door that wasn't the same as the others. Carved into its masterful etchings I could make out the words "Kick then shoot" in deep gashes in the center of its woodwork. I wondered what that could mean.

Glancing around the room looking for an answer I noticed a rather large bundle packaged up in the corner. I walked over and picked it up and started to unwrap it. It was the weirdest gun I had ever set my eyes on. A large hose like nozzle was at the head of the gun and in the back it had pumps and tubes that hooked up to this canister that had straps like a backpack. Wrapping the straps around my suit and tie, I armed myself with this strange weapon and wondered how I had missed it earlier.

Sturdying myself with my new weapon I looked towards the door with the gashes and wound up my legs to kick it down. With all my might I brought my business shoes into the door frame and slammed it open. A massive echo bounced around the small symmetrical room as all the other doors that surrounded me kicked themselves inwards towards me. Not having time to look at what was in the doors I set my eyes forward and looked through the doorway in front of me and saw a man in suit and tie holding a gun as strange as mine and carrying a canister. He was looking in another direction, and just as I was he was looking in determination through another set of doors and readying his gun. Without thought I pulled the trigger and set forth thousands of rays of colors from my gun into the next room. As I did this I could feel light bounce off my suit and tie from the other open doors and fill my small symmetrical room. All the bright and magnifying colors ricocheted off the walls and went up to the glass overhead where the light came down from.

----------------

"Give me a turn!" Jake yelled as he grabbed the toy away from his brother Tim and held it up to the light.
"No fair! I just had it for a minute!" Tim said angrily as he tried to retake the kaleidoscope from his brother.
Writing is the magical release of emotion from your fingertips. Why on earth do people wish to be wizards when you have writing!




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 3224
Reviews 12
Hallo.

I like the description of the room, firstly. I like the set up and the revelation of what they're actually doing - I think it's quite clever, and it stops the word prism from being awkward. I would just suggest increasing your amount of description to deepen what we see and feel - it's a little bit confusing, too, whether it's just a description or if someone is actually trapped inside the kaledescope, and just slightly hard to follow. If you clarify further what's going on - maybe add a line at the end, as I stared up at them, or something to that effect, it'll be a great, wickedly clever story.

keep writing!
"See the cat? See the cradle?" ~ Kurt Vonnegut

"I should like to bury something precious, in every place I've been happy. And then when I was old, and ugly and miserable, I could come back, and dig it up, and remember." ~ Sebastian Flyte




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 15698
Reviews 369
Hi there. I just thought I would stop by and give my two cents on this.

So, I really like this little story that you told here. And I also like the way that you centered it around something as simple and as childlike as a kaleidoscope. The only real suggestion that I can give you here for this is that you might want to make it a tad simpler. The mechanisms for the kaleidoscope seem a bit convoluted. You may want to simplify it just so that it is a little easier on us readers.

As it is though, you've got a very good piece here. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.



You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.
— Stephen King