May Day

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A blind girl walks up the street, passing by
where I sit beneath the cool white columns
of the porch, so civilized against the emerald
blades of grass hustling up to meet the sun
in bunches, the maple leaves still partly closed
and so thin the light cuts through them like
tissue paper.

I would still know, were I blind, that today
is the first day of summer. Eighty degrees in May
and who could miss it? Smoke wafts from barbecues
in every direction, music streams from second-floor
windows, flip flops slap carelessly
against bare heels. All the noises that were kept
tucked away inside for the winter with layers
of New England politeness,
have been released.

I would know, but I would stick my young face
between the bars of the porch, wait for the wisp
of hair on my forehead to be blown back by the wind,
wait in vain for the green grass to break through
the blindness as it broke through the seed coat
only weeks ago--cotyledon, root, shoot, radicle--
surely if from branches defined by their icicles
could come blossoms thicker than sunflower seeds,
if the bundled coffee- and kleenex-clutching
students hurrying grimly from library to class
could become the sunbathers pressing their thumbs
to each others' shouders to check their burns,
sprawled and giggling on every lawn--
then blindness would be just a matter of time,
a seasonal nuisance, like allergies or SAD,
soon to disappear on its own.

Is it wrong, then, to shiver at the thought
of even a temporary loss? To stare at the blind girl
(what? she can't see me do it) and stop
myself before the empathy threatens my sense
of reality? Look around at all she's missing--
the puppy's tail, the bumper sticker on a car--
and not pity her, or sympathize, but draw back
as one does from bad luck, from something so terrible
it would change the way I see?
“It is one of life's bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting.” - Lemony Snicket




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Hey BFG!

So I read this poem and, on the whole, I really like it! The imagery is fantastic and I loved the way you brought in the other senses -- all the other senses -- to make it richer so that summer would seem real to the blind girl. Fabulous stuff here!

Now, the main thing I would suggest is to redo the last stanza. It seems a bit preachy and very unpoetic, like you're trying to end a persuasive essay more than conclude a poem. Look at the whole of your poem and draw the main important idea from that. I don't think it's about the narrator recoiling from blindness... I think the narrator is recoiling from something else. Dig deeper. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Oh oh!

You write vividly, with a keen sense of imagery and imagination, and leave no detail mysterious. It's bright and alive and just real as a result. And, while you're at it, you incorporate some bigger meaning, some greater intent in there at the same time - more on that later.

A blind girl walks up the street, passing by
where I sit beneath the cool white columns
of the porch, so civilized against the emerald
blades of grass hustling up to meet the sun
in bunches, the maple leaves still partly closed
and so thin the light cuts through them like
tissue paper.


Fabulous opening, but there were still some things I didn't quite get. How does the narrator know she's blind? Does the girl have some kind of dog with her, or is it in the way she walks or her eyes and her blank gaze? I mean, it may be pretty obvious to the narrator that she's blind, but how did the narrator tell? Or...is it 'the blind girl' as opposed to 'a blind girl,' the former of which would imply some kind of familiarity?

You use some common descriptions thrown in together with less common ones - for example 'cool white pillar' (common) mixed in with 'civilised' (uncommon - how inventive to describe a pillar as civilised!). While this didn't matter for me as much, since the flow was perfect and I read it nicely all the same, it would have been good to have seen just a little more of a point-of-difference with the imagery, since it is something everyone has pretty thoroughly experienced before - sitting outside on a hot day etc. Also, when you do try and get a little more creative, try not to do so in a too-obvious way: for example, with the 'emerald blades,' I thought it was just a bit much to describe something as tiny as grass blades with an important, officious adjective like that. It sounded like you were trying to hard to come up with a different way to describe their colour - I wouldn't have bothered describing the colour at all, since everyone knows grass is green, and focussed instead on the more interesting aspect of them - like how they were 'hustling up to meet the sun in bunches' - so cute.

I would still know, were I blind, that today
is the first day of summer. Eighty degrees in May
and who could miss it? Smoke wafts from barbecues
in every direction, music streams from second-floor
windows, flip flops slap carelessly
against bare heels. All the noises that were kept
tucked away inside for the winter with layers
of New England politeness,
have been released.


I liked how you tried to put yourself in the blind girl's shoes, and did so in an effortless way - 'I would still know, were I blind' - so seamlessly slipped in. The description of the heat could have been more creative, though, instead of the plain and simple 'eighty degrees,' which didn't make me feel much. Something like saying the 'fenceposts were melting / dripping black onto the glowing road' might have been a little more vivid - I'm sure you can do better than that! And I didn't think the description of things from the other senses was as subtle as it could have been - I think this was because you separated them out. Think about throwing all the other senses in together with each other a lot more = intermingling them for a bit more of an overall effect, than the 'chunks' of impressions I am getting now.

I would know, but I would stick my young face
between the bars of the porch, wait for the wisp
of hair on my forehead to be blown back by the wind,
wait in vain for the green grass to break through
the blindness as it broke through the seed coat
only weeks ago--cotyledon, root, shoot, radicle--
surely if from branches defined by their icicles
could come blossoms thicker than sunflower seeds,
if the bundled coffee- and kleenex-clutching
students hurrying grimly from library to class
could become the sunbathers pressing their thumbs
to each others' shouders to check their burns,
sprawled and giggling on every lawn--
then blindness would be just a matter of time,
a seasonal nuisance, like allergies or SAD,
soon to disappear on its own.


I can't fault this. It was all beautiful and powerful.

Yeah, I'd have to agree with Snoink on that one - the last stanza sort of just floundered in its intellectual curiosity and exploration with no imaginative legs to stand on.

Is it wrong, then, to shiver at the thought
of even a temporary loss? To stare at the blind girl
(what? she can't see me do it) and stop
myself before the empathy threatens my sense
of reality? Look around at all she's missing--
the puppy's tail, the bumper sticker on a car--
and not pity her, or sympathize, but draw back
as one does from bad luck, from something so terrible
it would change the way I see?


The first question is too direct. So far, you've been desribing the experience of watching the girl, of trying to put yourself in her shoes, in an intriguing and colourful way. This stark plain question detracts from the fluid effect of before. And also, you say 'shiver' when it's summer, which sounds off. I kind of liked the '(what? she can't see me do it?)' bit - sort of brings us back into the intimacy of the poem from before, but the last few lines seemed a little too cliche - 'hey, look at what she's missing; since she's handicapped, I'll avoid her in case I get it too,' - it was just too thoughtless of the narrator, especially after three stanzas of having built up this pretty image to make us like them both, and like the scene.

So...I enjoyed this - and you should know that I only ever critique something so in-depth when I really loved it and thought it was pretty close to perfection. Thank you for a marvellous poem - and when you write more, PM me to let me know! I would love to read more of your writing.




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Thanks guys! Yeah, I think you're both right, the last stanza doesn't really fit. Maybe it belongs in a different poem but not here. Navita, I agree with you about the sensory stuff in the second stanza. It's fine, but it's nothing new or special. I also wonder if the third stanza, particularly the last part, isn't too clunky? Reading it over now it seems like the sentences are too long for the lines, or something. Anyway, I should have more free time after tomorrow (done with finals, woot!) so I'll work on it over the summer.

Thanks again for reviewing!

Sophie
“It is one of life's bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting.” - Lemony Snicket




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I know this is late, but I have been wanting very badly to review this for over a week.

Here goes.


The first stanza talks about a noun that is "so civilized", but it's a little confusing because it could either be read as the girl or the columns. Could you clarify that, please? Although I think you meant the columns.


Second stanza is quite nice except for the last two lines. It's a comma splice (two independent clauses with only a comma between), and is hard momentum/grammar wise to read.

The third stanza is fine, and to echo the above reviewers, the fourth is awkward. The idea/philosophizing is fine, but it is written poorly.

Other than those nitpicks, it was quite, quite lovely. Unexpected imagery, curious memory, it all jazzed-- well done. Hope to see more.

See you around.

-antimelrose
Sabbatical isn't the right word, but it almost is.
loves like a hurricane/i am a tree/bending the weight of his wind and mercy/dcb
grace finds beauty in everything... makes beauty out of ugly things/U2



A person is a fool to become a writer. His only compensation is absolute freedom. He has no master except his own soul, and that, I am sure, is why he does it.
— Roald Dahl