por que las cosas cambian.

The stars, the moon they have all been blown out,
You left me in the dark.
And as I sit on this cold bench,
I wonder when you’ll come back.
Like this coffee;
So murky and black.
It’s lost its sweet touch,
And even though you heat it up,
It won’t taste the same.
Just its bitter iciness that lacks the savor that it used to have.
No sweet, no caramel,
Just endless puddles of circles.
With lipstick stains that were meant to stain your lips,
Instead of this plastic cup.
Filled with dried up expectations.

revised;

Hai there!

So I'm failing to realize the concept of this poem. I like the imagery, and your theme is nice, too. I don't, however, know how it possible relates to the title, or what this is about.

At first I thought it was about love, just a hunch after reading your last line, but then you didn't expand further on the concept of love. And then you talked about coffee. That's fine to relate the coffee to love, but make sure to do the relating part! After the first few lines, you just name things about coffee. Instead of just naming them, relate them to love so we can get a better understanding of your views on it, and what happened to your narrator.

Like I said above, nice imagery!

Classy

Hey there! Welcome to YWS!

Ok, so what struck me first were the typos and spelling/grammar glitches. Honestly. I'm not just being nit-picky--they get in the way here. Make sure to get those straightened out before you post (even if it is just a draft--drafts should be taken seriously too!).

Well, maybe not first, because that was the title, which really caught my eye, no pun intended. But I wasn't sure what it had to do with the rest of the poem...?

Next, I love the metaphor with the coffee. But I think it could be clarified a little. In the first line the speaker say the other person won't come back, but from the metaphor with the coffee I'm getting the impression that what they're trying to say is that even if the other person does come back, the relationship is gone, or it could never be as good; the chance has been lost. That's a much more interesting take than that the person simply can't come back. And you've got a great simile here. So I'd work on the first line to make it match. Or see if you can restructure the poem so the coffee comes first, if that makes sense, or even so that the feeling can be communicated only through the metaphor, with no direct explanation necessary.

Some lines need some work. What's with this whole coldness-warmness business? You can do better than that. Hit the dictionary, thesaurus, the fridge, whatever it takes.

I really like the last line, though I think it should be split up (work on your line breaks, they're important). I'm still undecided about how it works within the metaphor though.

Great start. You've got an interesting topic that lots of people can relate to and a good metaphor (with good imagery) to convey it. Polish it up and you'll really have something here.

Good luck!
Sophie

Hey nayex!

Lovely poem! I really like the words used and the ideas involved and pretty much all the content. It's quite lovely! The only thing that kind of irks me is the grammar... you really need to clear that up! You're too lovely of a poet to let grammar get into your way.

Also! I'm not really a fan of how you cut the poem, as far as lines go. I'm not sure what I would do, mind you, but experiment with different line breaks to see how they affect your poem.

Still! Beautiful poem!

The Spanish title certainly caught my eye. Me gusta mucho el espanol - de hecho, muchas lenguas me encantan; especialmente los que hablo!

Anyway.

The stars, the moon they have all been blown out.
And I’ve been waiting for this moment all night long, but it’s just not quite right.
I sit on this cold bench, and it’s useless to believe you’ll come back.
Like this coffee, so murky and black.

The 'stars and moon' bit was JUST about to seem cliche - until you spruced it up with the 'all been blown out' part. A beautiful line - and I only wish it'd been expanded on a bit more, since I didn't see how it fitted in snugly with the coffee metaphor.

I think you could have been a lot more subtle than 'I've been waiting for this moment all night long...it's useless to believe you'll come back.' Those couple of lines were not too my liking - a bit more refinement to add in, yes? Or introduce the concept from the coffe point of view from the outset?

It’s lost its sweet touch, and even though you heat it up,
It won’t taste the same.
Just its bitter iciness that lacks the affection that it used to have.
No sweet, no caramel,
Just endless puddle’s of circles.
With lipstick stains that were meant to stain your lips,
Instead of this plastic cup.

The thing about the above lines was this: I enjoyed the idea of the coffee cup, but thought it was too hastily and obviously related to the person at whom the poem is addressed. Creating similes and metaphors is all very well, but there is also the art of actually keeping them subtle enough for the reader to figure out - we're not completely useless, you know! If the metaphor is too obvious, it kind of dances in my face, screaming, 'Hey, look at at me - I'm a metaphor!' While your's didn't quite do it that dramatically, it still was not abstract enough to leave a touch of mystery for us to be 'thirsty' about at the end.

The images you used were remarkable: sweetness, heat, bitter iciness, circles, puddles, lipstick stains, plastic cup - so you are adept at expanding on the metaphor nicely. It's just a matter of not being so direct - for example, 'lacks the affection you used to have' was literal, and too obvious.

But it’s useless to believe you’ll come back.
And all I have is this empty cup,
A token of your parting.

I didn't like the repetition of 'it's useless to believe you'll come back.' It's not central to the theme of the poem, and it doesn't add to it in any meaningful way. 'A token of your parting' could be nixed, really - the line 'all I have is this empty cup' does wonderfully without it.

Anyway, overall a pretty idea - so good luck with cleaning it up! (Pardon the pun.)

Snoink: Thank you very much for reading, i did play with the lines a bit, and i have horrible spelling/grammar.

Navita: Yo creo lo que es espanol y franceses es lo mas romantico. Your review was actually a lot of help, thank you for reading.

I revised it again, hopefully its a bit better.