Underneath The Beech Trees

This is a story I wrote about eight years ago and recently found again. I've re-edited it and thought I would share. Feedback is always appreciated



Stars reflected in Brian’s eyes, his faced bathed in blue moonlight. His lips held an ethereal glow to them, looking clear and pale in contrast to his flushed red face. Darla flicked her blonde hair off her shoulder, her green eyes penetrating into his crystal blue orbs. Darla’s head was invaded by mixed floral fragrances from the greenery surrounding her, and they meandered around her brain making it difficult for her to concentrate. This was bad news for Darla as she had a mission to accomplish. At eleven years old she had one thing on her mind – Brian. This thought and the encouragement from her friends had resulted in Darla meeting her eleven-year-old classmate, Brian, in the hazy heat of the night in the secret location behind the park.

Shaded beneath the silvery beech trees, one beam of moonlight shone down through the branches, creating a marble effect on Brian’s face, enticing Darla onwards to complete her mission. Darla’s lips were pursed, clamped so tightly together they were glowing white with intensity. Brian’s body slid closer to Darla’s, his cheeks red hot, eyes tightly shut and ghostly lips at the ready.

Darla’s heart skipped a bit as she thought of what she was about to achieve and the doors she would open for her eleven-year-old friends in her school. Her heart and mind felt as though they were racing a match that could never be won. That’s when her mind came across a different theory. What if her first kiss was the beginning of something more? Could these new emotions spring a trigger into something more serious? Darla then visualised walking into school, her friends staring in awe at her half-bitten, pink-polished fingernails, neatly laced into Brian’s hands. She walked through the school hall and into a wedding aisle. She heard herself saying, ‘I do’ and then turning to her husband – Brian.

Meanwhile, Brian was having similar anxieties. Hesitant and embarrassed, he cocked his head to one side and drew closer to Darla’s face for the anticipated kiss. His imagination began to get the better of him. He envisioned Darla in a white wedding dress, her pink, bitten nail polish glinting in the moonlight; her purple, smudged eye shadow blatantly labelling her as a typical eleven-year-old. He looked down at himself and found he was wearing a common black-and-white tuxedo. His gaze shifted up to Darla’s flat chest, realising they were both still young, too young.

The unexpected tickle of each other’s lips against their own awoke the children from their disturbing fantasies. Startled, the two children snapped their eyes open and after a few moments of highlighted emotions pulled away from one another. They stared at their once-loved faces. Brian grimaced and glanced at the rotted bench they were sat upon that bore heart-felt confessions from lovesick teens. Darla’s symmetrical face turned red as she wiped her lips. Brian mirrored her movements. They giggled at each other and then shuffled off into the night.

The children both knew the story they would tell their classmates would be very different. It would be a story about a true romance held between the two. No-one would know the truth of what happened that still summer night, underneath the beech trees.

Hi!

Hmm, I'm not quite sure about this story. It's definitely cute, and the idea is nice, but I didn't really think of much of the execution (the actual way this piece was written).

It seemed really clunky and a lot of it was bogged down by pointless repetition of descriptions of the two main characters. I understand that they like each other, but it kind of becomes of a drag to keep on reading this stuff when we want to hear more about what happens in the actual story. Take the beginning, for example, for example:

Stars reflected in Brian’s eyes, his faced bathed in blue moonlight. His lips held an ethereal glow to them, looking clear and pale in contrast to his flushed red face. Darla flicked her blonde hair off her shoulder, her green eyes penetrating into his crystal blue orbs.

Everything I've put in bold face is a description of either Darla or Brian, and you've got a lot in just the first couple of sentences. The beginning of your story should be a place for you hook the readers with conflict and character. While you should describe a character's appearance rather early, it's best not to do it all at once, as that would be infodump-ish, and no one likes infodumps. Instead, start off with one attribute you feel is necessary to introduce right away-maybe the eyes. A few sentences in, you can have the characters exchange dialogue about their hair.

I also didn't like how many times you felt the need to establish that these characters were eleven. One mention of it at the beginning will do. The reader isn't stupid-we can remember their age.

Anyway, I hope this review doesn't discourage you! I thought the ending was really cute and it did make me feel good at the end. What you've got now is a start-make it into something more. PM me if you have any questions!

-Elinor xo

Hey there!!
I'm Pudin and I'll review your piece today.
Well, first of all I have to say that it's a really cute story,and I really, really liked your wording for its exquisite and your style is really beautiful. The structure that you gave to piece was also very, very good for it's not confusing and each paragraph has its own topic.

What I really have to criticize is the developing of the story. Like the reviewer above said, the story is nice but it seems quite redundant for you emphasized the look of the characters more than the developing of the story. I'll take the first two paragraphs as example.

Stars reflected in Brian’s eyes, his faced bathed in blue moonlight. His lips held an ethereal glow to them, looking clear and pale in contrast to his flushed red face. Darla flicked her blonde hair off her shoulder, her green eyes penetrating into his crystal blue orbs. Darla’s head was invaded by mixed floral fragrances from the greenery surrounding her, and they meandered around her brain making it difficult for her to concentrate. This was bad news for Darla as she had a mission to accomplish. At eleven years old she had one thing on her mind – Brian. This thought and the encouragement from her friends had resulted in Darla meeting her eleven-year-old classmate, Brian, in the hazy heat of the night in the secret location behind the park.

Shaded beneath the silvery beech trees, one beam of moonlight shone down through the branches, creating a marble effect on Brian’s face, enticing Darla onwards to complete her mission. Darla’s lips were pursed, clamped so tightly together they were glowing white with intensity. Brian’s body slid closer to Darla’s, his cheeks red hot, eyes tightly shut and ghostly lips at the ready.

In this two paragraphs as you can see, both talk about your characters looks and both paragraphs talk about how the moonlight shone on Brian's face. This is good for you give us an image of your characters but try giving us more, something else rather than just looks. Also don't get stuck on that, make the story advance, give us a little background.
Now, please don't repeat over and over that they're eleven you said in the first paragraph so there's no need to repeat all throughout the story.

But I did like your first sentence, it gave quite a mysterious feeling to the story, your description of the setting is also really beautiful just don't throw it at us all at once.

So that's all I can say, hope I helped.

XOXO
PUdin

It's hard for me to not simply echo the previous reviews, then run away having said scant else. But I'll do my best to add more!

Both were correct in that you have more development of the look and emotions of the characters than actual actions. Personally, for me, it was a little hard for me to focus in the first paragraph. My brain shuts off after long chunks of details that don't seem very important; I don't really care much for the characters yet so it's hard for me to focus on them. And of course, the repetition was a bit much.

For me one of the greater problems was the way the character's thought about things. Seeing as they're only eleven, I feel there needs to be a lot more immaturity in this piece than there is. Instead it's written in a serious, adult tone. Perhaps you should liven up the vocabulary of the piece to properly reflect their age. You did have them realize they were too young (though due to the flat chested nature of the female character; perhaps you should try not to be so superficial about youth?) which was great, but I feel like it should be something they have realized from the beginning. All young girl, of course, imagine their weddings and such. But when I was 11 I never had much of a great crush on boys and never got near kissing any of them until years later. Perhaps my experiences are different though. I just feel like there is an overwhelming seriousness to the piece that doesn't fit with their age.

Also I'm confused as to what actually happened. They kissed and realized they were too young? But they're going to tell their friends of their great romance... I don't know, I felt lost but this may be just me. I realize the kiss was a failure and they realized their youth, but I'm not sure what actually happened.

Hope this helped!

Oh, additionally:

His imagination began to get the nbetter of him.

Thanks so much for all the feedback! You may be surprised to hear that I am GLAD to hear bad feedback! Basically, as I said I wrote this many years ago for a project where we had to intently describe characters and scene and I think I did the project justice, but outside of that I can see that the piece needs some work! I'm glad it needs work because last night i was re-reading this and thinking it was better than my more recent work and got upset that I hadn't progressed at all over the past eight years or so! Luckily, judging by your comments, I'd like to think that this isn't the case, and this piece wasn't as good as I first thought, so thanks!

I think I will take all your comments on board and work on the piece, whether I keep it as a short story or work into another story I don't know yet, but I'll definitely do something with it.

Also, @Suzanne the piece is too immature, I actually increased their age from nine to eleven, but I thought eleven was a good age because that was when I had my first kiss (which coincidentally was at a wedding) so perhaps I was putting a bit of myself in there. I wouldn't like to age them anymore because I know that the children I know that are that age now mostly have boyfriends! So, I think i will keep the age, but thanks for your comments

Thanks again everyone, sorry for my long, rambly reply, but just wanted to give my feedback on your feedback hehe!