Splash of color (Added on and edited)

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1581
Reviews 5
Rayen’s eyes opened in the middle of a dead sleep. Where am I? her waking mind thought.

While trying to remember, her gray eyes wandered over to the only light source in the room, a blinking red 7:10.

Then she remembered she was at the Rest for Less Motel in Chicago. With a big sigh she rolled out of bed. The little beasts will awake soon. I better get some food or else I’ll have to hear about how they’re all dying of starvation. she thought as she grabbed a room key and walked out the door.

Rayen spotted the big yellow arch right next to the motel, or as she saw it the promise of cheap food. We haven’t eaten in two days, so I should probably get a lot of happy meals, and a couple salads, Silas won’t eat any meat.

Twenty minutes later Rayen was in and out of McDonalds. She had two salads tucked under her arms and four happy meals looped around her fingers.

As she waddled to the room a thought came to her mind, fifteen year olds should be hanging out with friends, watching movies, staying up late, and learning how to drive.
Not always watching little kids alone.
Then again Rayen wasn’t your average teen, and neither were her charges.

Rayen silently slipped the key into the slot, and slowly opened the door. Unaware of the newcomer Skye sat in front of the TV staring with her green eyes as Barney flickered across aging screen.

Next to Skye, Holly was attempting to braid her brown hair. Suddenly Rayen was noticed, a small furry object pummeled into her

“Food!” it screamed.

“Shh, Silas, Jack’s still sleeping,” Holly whispered glancing at the motionless body slumped on the floor.

Ignoring her Silas stood up on his furry hind legs and made his blue eyes look like overflowing pools of love.

“Knock it off Silas, you get your food in human form as always,” Rayen said firmly. The dog rolled its flaming eyes and melted into a boy. He resembled the human heap on the carpet, except the fact that Silas actually looked alive. Rayen divvied up the food between the children and the gently asked “Jack, are you hungry?”

“Jack, Jack, Jack that’s who you are always worried about. He’s asleep, it doesn’t matter what you say to him. Observe: Jack, it is your fault that Michael was hurt and couldn’t keep up. You should have ported us out of there at the first sign of danger,” Silas said as he stuffed his smug face with salad.

“Silas I know it was my fault. Rayen, I’m not hungry. Just sad, but thanks anyways,” said Jack as he flopped up into a loose sitting position. His smooth face was exactly like Silas’s, but Jack’s eyes were black, never ending tunnel with no end black.

Silas paused with inhaling the food, and offered Jack a fistful of squished green.

“No thank you,” Jack muttered and then changed the subject, “Rayen did Holly tell you that she saw the seekers this morning?”

“You did?” Rayen asked. Please no, we just lost Michael, Jack can’t handle this, not now. Not ever. Please, please let Jack be lying. Rayen prayed silently. But Jack never lied, never, ever.

“Yes,” said Holly here green eyes troubled.

“Are you sure?” Holly nodded slowly. Crap, we have to check out. Leave. Now. “Pack your stuff up, we’ll leave in ten minutes,” Rayen commanded, “You will never go back to the Center, this life is better than that right?” They all nodded but none met her eyes. Up at the check-in I guess I’ll say there was a death in the family so we can’t stay. Sob stories always work the best. Rayen thought as she stuffed all of her belongings in a scruffy blue backpack.

Rayen ambled down a cobble stoned corner. The rain poured down from the gray sky and soaked her. She had an umbrella with her, but it was protecting Silas and the others with their little suitcases who walked in front of her under a rainbow canopy.

Rayen herded them down the streets the way a sheepdog shepherds a flock of sheep. Her flock was a mix- match bunch of kids.

An abnormal sight on the streets of Chicago.

“Holly, where are they?” Rayen asked

“About two hundred and fifty yards away from us and closing in,” Holly said with her green eyes squinting in concentration.

“Silas, Skye, I need you to be ready, if they get us I want you to run.” Rayen said

“We will be ready.” Silas mumbled

“Two hundred yards,” Holly said under her breath.

“Jack? Are you ready?” Rayen asked.

“I ca… can’t,” Jack stuttered

“Remember what happened last time you said that?” Silas said, “We lost Michael,”

“100 yards, they’re running now,” Holly said. They heard shouts coming closer mixing with the roar of the thunder.

“Jack you need to try,” Rayen demanded. Clap, clap, clap the feet got nearer.

“Okay,” Jack said with tears and rain streaming down his face, “Look in my eyes,”
They all stared into his deep eyes, and then they were gone, the blackness had taken over them.

The forgotten umbrella danced in a puddle; the only reminder of the group, a splash of color in the gray.
Last edited by Bandgeek on Sun May 09, 2010 3:47 am, edited 7 times in total.
Oh no! I'm going into the cave. Wha... Call m... Lat... I'm... *Turns phone off* Yes lost them!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 9182
Reviews 30
Bandgeek wrote:Rayen’s eyes opened in the middle of a dead sleep. Where am I? her It's kind of like this with quotes too. Since this is right after a thought, and it is not a noun or "I", it is lowercase waking mind thought.

While trying to remember, her gray eyes wandered over to the only light source in the room, a blinking red 7:10.

Then she remembered she was at the Rest for Less Motel in Chicago. With a big sigh she rolled out of bed. The little beasts will awake soon. I better get some food or else I’ll have to hear about how they’re all dying of starvation. she same as above thought as she grabbed a room key and walked out the door.

Rayen spotted the big yellow arch right next to the motel, or as she saw it the promise of cheap food. We haven’t eaten in two days, so I should probably get a lot of happy meals, and a couple salads; I think a semicolon would work better. Silas won’t eat any meat.

Twenty minutes later Rayen was in and out of McDonalds. She had two salads tucked under her arms and four happy meals looped around her fingers in each hand. I don't think this is necessary.

As she waddled to the room a thought came to her mind, Fifteen unless it is for displaying purposes, like for the 7:10 you used earlier, numbers should be typed out year olds should be hanging out with friends, watching movies, staying up late, and learning how to drive.
Not always watching little kids alone.
ThenThis is correct. Just want to point out that since this is a new sentence, it is capital regardless of the fact it is after a quote. again Rayen wasn’t your average teen, and neither were her charges.

Rayen silently slipped the key into the slot, and slowly opened the door. Unaware of the newcomer Skye, who sat in front of the TV staring with her green eyes as Barney flickered across ageing screen.

Next to Skye, Holly was attempting to braid her brown hair. Suddenly Rayen was noticed, a small furry object pummeled into her

“Food!” it screamed.

“Shh, Silas, Jack’s still sleeping,” Holly whispered glancing at the motionless body slumped on the floor.

Ignoring her, Silas stood up on his furry hind legs and made his blue eyes look like overflowing pools of love.

“Knock it off Silas, you get your food in human form as always,” Rayen said firmly. The dog rolled its flaming eyes and melted into a boy. He resembled the human heap on the carpet, except the fact that Silas actually looked alive. Rayen divvied up the food between the children and the gently asked “Jack, are you hungry?”

“Jack, Jack, Jack that’s who you are always worried about. He’s asleep, it doesn’t matter what you say to him. Observe: Jack, it is your fault that Michael was hurt and couldn’t keep up. You should have ported us out of there at the first sign of danger,” Silas said as he stuffed his smug face with salad.

“Silas I know it was my fault. Rayen, I’m not hungry. Just sad, but thanks anyways,” said Jack as he flopped up into a loose sitting position. His smooth face was exactly like Silas’s, but Jack’s eyes were black; a never ending tunnel with no end black.

Silas paused from I think this word would work better. inhaling the food, and offered Jack a fistful of squished green.

“No thank you,” Jack muttered. He then changed the subject, “Rayen did Holly tell you that she saw the seekers this morning?”

“You did?” Rayen asked. Please no, we just lost Michael, Jack can’t handle this, not now. Not ever. Please, please let Jack be lying. these should be in italics Rayen prayed silently. But Jack never lied, never, ever.

“Yes,” said Holly, her green eyes troubled.

“Are you sure?” Holly nodded slowly. Crap, we have to check out. Leave. Now. “Pack your stuff up, we’ll leave in ten minutes,” Rayen commanded, “You will never go back to the Center, this life is better than that right?” They all nodded but none met her eyes. Up at the check-in I guess I’ll say there was a death in the family so we can’t stay. Sob stories always work the best. Rayen You said Rain here, and I don't think that's a character of yours... thought as she stuffed all of her belongings in a scruffy blue backpack.

Rayen ambled down a cobblestoned corner. The rain poured down from the gray sky and soaked her. She had an umbrella with her, but it was protecting Silas and the others with their little suitcases, who walked in front of her under a rainbow canopy.

Rayen herded them down the streets the way a sheepdog shepherds a flock of sheep. Her flock was a mix- match bunch of kids.

An abnormal sight on the streets of Chicago.

“Holly, where are they?” Rayen asked

“About two hundred and fifty yards away from us and closing in,” Holly said with her green eyes squinting in concentration.

“Silas, Skye, I need you to be ready, if they get us I want you to run.” Rayen said.

“We will be ready.” Silas mumbled.

“Two hundred yards,” Holly said under her breath.

“Jack? Are you ready?” Rayen asked.

“I ca… can’t,” Jack stuttered.

“Remember what happened last time you said that?” Silas said, “We lost Michael.
“One hundred yards, they’re running now,” Holly said. They heard shouts coming closer mixing with the roar of the thunder.

“Jack you need to try,” Rayen demanded. Clap, clap, clap, the feet got nearer.

“Okay,” Jack said with tears and rain streaming down his face, “Look in my eyes.
They all stared into his deep eyes, and then they were gone, the blackness had taken over them.

The forgotten umbrella danced in a puddle; the only reminder of the group, a splash of color in the gray.


Much better. Now it explains so much more. Apparently they were being chased well prior to the story, and this time aroudn we have an idea of who it is. In fact, that suffices. :)

I see you you looked into correcting some of the mistakes from the original, though you didn't quite get all of them. i've pointed them out for you, so go through and see what you can do about fixing them.

Overall, I like the addition you made, it makes this story feel more completed. Nice. :D
Call me RK :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1581
Reviews 5
Thanks, Rain isn't in the story so thanks for catching that.
Oh no! I'm going into the cave. Wha... Call m... Lat... I'm... *Turns phone off* Yes lost them!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2546
Reviews 6
Hey Bandgeek!
A few grammatical mistakes and stuff but I'm sure you'd probably catch those yourself after a read through.
You have a nice knack with dialogue in that it doesn't seem forced. This piece definately makes a lot more sense for me with the bit added on at the start. You've set the scene and I'm really interested to find out what happens next.

Looking forward to the next installment,
OisinBebe.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1581
Reviews 5
Thanks for the comments. I'm combing through myself and wow... there's a lot of errors.
Oh no! I'm going into the cave. Wha... Call m... Lat... I'm... *Turns phone off* Yes lost them!



The words you speak become the house you live in.
— Hafiz