To my best friend, it's ok to be a sunflower

To my best friend, it's ok to be a sunflower

You stare right at a stranger, who you knew so well before,
She’s thinner, harsher, more defined, though some might call her beautiful.
She laughs out loud at everything, and yet you see the lie
She may have friends surrounding her; she’s alone deep inside.
Her morals have gone out the door; you cringe at how she acts,
The pink power-ranger, fighting crime, is replaced by a spoilt brat.
She wishes oh so hard for fame, she’s forgotten how to care
She walks all over you, and yet you’re always there.
You have to watch on helplessly whilst she fights against herself;
She lashes cruelly out at you if you think of trying to help
She flutters eyes full of pain at guys who watch her ass
And what you know is a plea for help others see as sass.
You know you’re not always perfect; it’s your fault sometimes too,
And so you simply wait and watch, knowing that she’ll need you.

Hi!

Okay, so I admit that I really liked this poem. Your rhythm and rhyme scheme were both good, and your simple word choice and imagery told exactly what they needed to tell.

However, it was a bit confusing. For instance, if this girl is supposed to be a superhero, what is it exactly that she's done wrong? You mention corruption by I think you should go a bit farther into that. Your reader isn't going to be as attached to the poem if we don't know what's going on.

Also, your lines were a little thick to work through. This is mostly because of formatting rather then content, so when you revise this, read it a loud and try to decide a good place to break it. I can't do that for you since it's your job as a writer to make your work presentable.

PM me if you have any questions, and good luck revising this!

-Elinor xo

Hi! I'm here to review.

I really liked this, Tranquility. Your message is one of honesty with others, but more importantly, it speaks of honesty with oneself. That is such a rare thing to see these days, because most people don't recognize "self-dishonesty" when they see it. I am so happy to see that you know exactly what it is. Great work.

Elinor Brynn wrote:However, it was a bit confusing. For instance, if this girl is supposed to be a superhero, what is it exactly that she's done wrong? You mention corruption by I think you should go a bit farther into that. Your reader isn't going to be as attached to the poem if we don't know what's going on.

I disagree completely. I know exactly what's going on. There is no need to go any deeper than you already have, because in reality, it's far deeper than anything I've read or reviewed in a long time. Yush.

Another thing that was awesome about it was how you narrate it. Usually in poetry you'll see it being told as "I" or "me." It was different but refreshing how you used "you"'s instead.

Anyways, I loved it. *clicks the likey thing* Keep up the good work.

i really like this poem. good rythm, love the message. who is this poem talking about is may question. is she the girl you see around who knows she's lying to herself? Is it your friend? Or, is it you? try making it personal, i've learned that it makes things flow easier. but i still really like it.
~EmmaD

Hi Tranquility!

I'm really not much for critiquing poetry, so I can't offer expertise. All I've got is an opinion, so just take mine with a grain of salt.

I liked pink Power Ranger reference, because it creates a frame of reference in which the poem can exist. The nineties throwback made it sort of vintage without being overblown. The poem itself was all right too, but you had a few awkward moments, where things didn't flow quite right. Have you tried reading it aloud to yourself? That really makes a difference.

The point where you lost me was the title. I really just don't like butterflies. Like puppies, ponies, unicorns, and rainbows, they have been used so many times to evoke images of beauty and innocence that I am totally over it by this point. I don't really care if a butterfly gets crushed anymore. That may sound terrible, but that's just how I read this. Spice up the title! Titles are key, especially in poems, when you have even less space than in prose to communicate your meaning.

Thanks for the read!

hello!
Thank you so much for your amazing comments...I have changed a few things...
hopefully for the better but otherwise please tell me! And thank you for the heading
comment, I really had no idea what to call it and obviously the most cliche
heading came first...this one is probably too cliche as well though, but
just to explain it a bit, I wish she would know that it's ok to be a sunflower,
she doesn't need to be a rose. Roses have thorns and get picked and adored from a
distance, sunflowers are happy and beautiful too, and they make people happy in a more
personal way, that's what I believe she is underneath it all...
Please keep commenting, I promise you every comment helps...the critical ones
help me improve and the kinder ones keep my confidence up!
xoxo
T

Hey Tranquility! Just wanted to leave a quick comment to tell you I really like the sunflower comparison. I don't think that roses are overrated, but I certainly think that a lot of other flowers get the shaft in favor of the persistently popular rose. And of course, you get extra points in my book for ditching the butterfly comparison.

Hey Tranquility! I just wanted to say that I love the new title. I didn't even notice the butterfly thing til Areida pointed it out. Anyways, this one is much better.

But...Maybe just make it, "It's Okay to be a Sunflower"? I like that more.

-Knightley

Hi Tranquility!

I loved your poem so much. The structure, rhythm and rhyme was perfect as well as the language . A brilliant poem which I'm sure many teenagers can relate to, including me

I really like this poem. The one thing that I wanted to comment on the most was the title didn't jumped out at me. I don't know why but it just doesn't. The only other thing I see is shouldn't it me spoiled not spoilt? I think it would sound better, but that's all up to you. I love your rhyme scheme, and I like how I understand the poem.

Keep Writing

-Flower-

'It's okay to be a sunflower' is certainly an intriguing title, I must say. And, while a title doesn't have to define the quality and uniqueness of a poem, it can certainly add to it nicely.

You stare right at a stranger, who you knew so well before,
She’s thinner, harsher, more defined, though some might call her beautiful.

These were my favourite lines. They were the most different, the most on an edge. The rest just seemed like a description, step-by-step of the girl, who seems painfully ordinary, plagued with the same problems as anyone. It's not interesting to read - of course, you are at full liberty to explore common themes, but it's doing them in different ways that makes a poem interesting.

She may have friends surrounding her; she’s alone deep inside.
Her morals have gone out the door; you cringe at how she acts,
The pink power-ranger, fighting crime, is replaced by a spoilt brat.
She wishes oh so hard for fame, she’s forgotten how to care
She walks all over you, and yet you’re always there.

This read more like a literal description of her than anything else. I would have liked to have seen a LOT more expansion on the sunflower idea - it was not a motif, in fact, it hardly featured in the poem! And the continual description was static for me - the poem lacked the flow it might have had because there was really little plot, not really much of a story driving it through - just a set of details about the girl put in front for us to see; things that we probably already talk about with friends anyway in relation to people like the main character in this that we don't really like.

She flutters eyes full of pain at guys who watch her ass
And what you know is a plea for help others see as sass.
You know you’re not always perfect; it’s your fault sometimes too,
And so you simply wait and watch, knowing that she’ll need you.

I didn't enjoy this. I only realised HERE that there was meant to be some kind of rhyme in this - with the obvious 'ass' and 'sass' part (which I didn't feel was very creative) - and I went back and reread it, and I didn't see how the rhyme at all contributed to the theme or idea behind the poem. 'You're not always perfect' was just cliche, and the ending was decidedly anticlimatic.


However much I didn't enjoy the execution of the poem, the idea is certainly something I can agree with. If this is really based on personal experience, I'd suggest leaving it for a few weeks or months, and attacking it afresh.

hiya tranquility,

nice title, it was what caught my attention first, i think that it was quite intriguing so i plunge on. although i am not of poem-person, i find this one really nice. like what elinor pointed out, your choice of simple words and imagery is exactly what makes this one poignant and classic. you have described a girl that was once a "pink power-ranger, fighting crime" which evolved to some kind of a brat(God, i hate brats! have one for a sister LOL). the thing w/ teenage girls was being corrupted by societal standards, jeopardizing who they really are and you quite pointed it out well in here. and the pointing finger at the end as a sort of conclusion is good, although i am not saying that blaming somebody else for someone else's fault is good, what i am saying here is aesthetic impact of the words. it fit well. your audience were the parents of this little girl, the ending should be touching them and i think yours just nailed it.
be carefull with the spellings, though, do try to run down them before posting, ok?
all in all this is a nice piece