Stop the Masquerade Chapter One

Chapter One-Jealousy

I stared out the little window in the library that looked into the auditorium. The play crew was practicing again.

Front and center was Rani Smith. She was tall, blond, thin, funny and had the singing voice of an angel. Even freckles looked charming on her. She had on long, laced, black gloves that would have looked ridiculous on anyone else, but on her they were amazing. I had admitted it to myself a long time ago, I was jealous of one of my only friends.

The director stops to fix something, and Rani's voice jumps up two notes, making the song even better. She had the solo with Aidan Mark. He was amazing, cute, and I supposed he was funny, because any time he opened his mouth, people started laughing.

"Natalie, Natalie!" I hear someone call my name. It's Maggie.

"Maybe if you spent less time looking at Aid," She raised her eyebrows, "and more time studying, you would get better grades."

"I am watching all of them." I lied.

"Of course you are. Come on, I will give you a ride home."

"I owe you one." I told her. I was going to get my license next year; she was a grade older than me, and already had hers.

"You owe me like one hundred." She said. I forced a little laugh.

We pulled up in her porsche at my little run down house. She waves goodbye, and speeds off. I sigh, ready for another night of fighting with my brother, and my mom fighting with dad, and dad yelling at me......just like every other night.

"Hi Zach." I say glumly walking in the door. He reaches up and tugs at a piece of my hair.

"Ha ha, gotcha hair." He says. I feel some of my extensions fall out.

"Give it back you...." I start to curse, but he rubs his cheek to make it red, then runs into my moms room. A second later, she comes out.

"Why did you slap him?" She demands.

This is pretty good RedSun. It's a little short to be a chapter but that could be your writing style.

I just hate reading long chapters online, so it will be chapter one part one, part two ect.

Hey! I'm Ninja (or NCM, whichever), and I'll review this chapter for you. First of all, this sounds promising, keep it up. But there were a few mistakes-accidents, I'm sure- that should be pointed out.

I had admitted it to myself a long time ago, I was jealous of one of my only friends.

Maybe the comma should be a colin or a semicolon, I think it would make more sense.

"Maybe if you spent less time looking at Aid," She raised her eyebrows,

Shouldn't that 'She' be lowercase?

"You owe me like one hundred." She said.

There ought to be commas before and after 'like', and again, lowercase it.

We pulled up in her porsche at my little run down house.

Capitalize 'Porsche'; it's a brand name. I think.

"Ha ha, gotcha hair." He says.

Capitalization, my dear, capitalization.

I start to curse, but he rubs his cheek to make it red, then runs into my moms room.

I think you mean 'mom's room'. Unless she keeps a room full of mothers, in which case it would, in fact, be a moms room.

I think you could bear to liven it up, add more detail, go into depth a little, stuff like that. Basically, add MORE. Tell us what's going on; rather than just what events are taking place, tell us WHY. And how, and when, and all that jazz. Good work, keep it up!

Loved it but again add more detail.