Fourty Nine Pennies Sat on the Dining Room Table

Huh? What is this about? No idea. I thought you might be able to tell me what I could do with this scrapbook of ideas. I guess it's a good story generator if nothing else!

Forty nine pennies sat on the dining room table. The table was not set, but there was a vase in the middle. It was medium height, maybe ten inches. The vase was of simple glass, very elegant. It would have been decorative, had it not been full of dead, black roses.

Tracy woke with a start. She sat up suddenly, banging her head on the beam that ran across the top of her bed.
“Damn,” she swore, and massaged the back of her head. A lump was already forming. Tracy got out of bed and staggered to the bathroom. She glanced in the mirror. She looked terrible. She had bits of yellow sleep on her cheeks and her mouth was crusty. She turned the water on as hot as it would go and got into the steaming shower.

The cotton candy vendor on the corner of fifth and twenty second was opening up her stall. She had started the sugar spinning, and the good, warm, sweet smell of cotton candy filled the cool air.
Her first customer of the day arrived. She couldn’t tell if it was a male or a female, but it were short and stooped, and wearing a very odd cloak, like something one might see in Star Wars. She was used to people dressed oddly in the city. It was normal. A grubby dollar was produced, and she spun a stick of cotton candy for the stranger. The he-she took it without thanks and stood next to the stall with it. It ripped off a small piece and chewed on it. Who chewed on cotton candy? The vendor wondered. The point of the stuff was to melt in your mouth. She tried not to eat it because it destroyed the teeth; it was worse than soda. She looked again at the stranger. The cloak covered most of its face, including its eyes. She caught a glimpse of the mouth, and thought she knew why the stranger was chewing the cotton candy. No, not chewing. Gumming. It had no teeth.

The he-she stood by the cotton candy stall, gumming the cotton candy. It surveyed the city under its cloak. This would be the perfect place to start its new empire.

Jason Brown sat on his bed as he stared at the cold grey cement wall of the prison. He imagined he could see right through it. Miles away, across an ocean, he pictured that awful cotton candy vendor smirking at the thought of him, imprisoned here in this cold dank cell. Jason punched the wall, achieving nothing but a sharp pain through every one of his knuckles.
“Shit!”
This was getting him nowhere. He had to get out of here once and for all.

Hola, I'll be your reviewer today ^^. May I first say, that your title caught my attention. "49 Pennies?...Huh?" XD Sweet. Okies, now on to business.

"The cotton candy vendor on the corner of fifth and twenty second was opening up her stall." The way it was set up kinda threw me off. Since Tracy is the cotton candy vendor, just state it. Or fix the sentence.

Her first customer of the day arrived. She couldn’t tell if it was a male or a female, but it #FF40BF ">if you're unsure of the sex, just say "he" were short and stooped, and wearing a very odd cloak, like something one might see in Star Wars. She was used to people dressed oddly in the city. It was normal. A grubby dollar was produced, and she spun a stick of cotton candy for the stranger. The he-she took it without thanks and stood next to the stall with it. It ripped off a small piece and chewed on it. Who chewed on cotton candy? #FF00BF ">The vendor wondered....This is Tracy right? The point of the stuff was to melt in your mouth. She tried not to eat it because it destroyed the teeth; it was worse than soda. She looked again at the stranger. The cloak covered most of #FF40BF ">his face, including #FF40BF ">his eyes. She caught a glimpse of the mouth, and thought she knew why the stranger was chewing the cotton candy. No, not chewing. Gumming. It had no teeth.

The he-she stood by the cotton candy stall, gumming the cotton candy. It surveyed the city under its cloak. This would be the perfect place to start its new empire.
#FF40BF ">****

Jason Brown sat on his bed as he stared at the cold grey cement wall of the prison. He imagined he could see right through it. Miles away, across an ocean, he pictured that awful cotton candy vendor smirking at the thought of him, imprisoned here in this cold dank cell. Jason punched the wall, achieving nothing but a sharp pain through every one of his knuckles.
“Shit!”
This was getting him nowhere. He had to get out of here once and for all.[/quote]

Firstly, the title hooked me in - 'forty nine pennies sat on the dining room table' - certainly intriguing. Questions it immediately raised: why? and where? and who? However, it did seem a tad cliche - 'ninety nine bottle of beer on the wall' springs to mind. Like a child's rhyme, like a bus song, like a cheap and quick sucking-in technique. In a way, it was almost too obvious. It tried almost too hard to drag us in, and I wondered if it would actually have anything to do with the rest of the story, or if it was just a device to scream for my attention.

Forty nine pennies sat on the dining room table. The table was not set, but there was a vase in the middle. It was medium height, maybe ten inches. The vase was of simple glass, very elegant. It would have been decorative, had it not been full of dead, black roses.

I liked the opening line - immediately interesting - but I don't think the title should have been so glaringly obvious. I liked how you went on the describe the table itself - the vase, the height, the make, the flowers - so meticulous about every detail. And this was good as a paragraph since it seems like you're talking to us, like you're recounting this as well as painting a picture at the same time. Also, it sort of made us wait before the reveal of what the forty-nine pennies actually meant, and it threw up a lot more mysteries for us to solve - what was the significance of all of the black roses, the elegant glass vase etc.? So...a structurally good paragraph that was not too obvious in its drawing-in-of-the-reader.

Tracy woke with a start. She sat up suddenly, banging her head on the beam that ran across the top of her bed.

“Damn,” she swore, and massaged the back of her head. A lump was already forming. Tracy got out of bed and staggered to the bathroom. She glanced in the mirror. She looked terrible. She had bits of yellow sleep on her cheeks and her mouth was crusty. She turned the water on as hot as it would go and got into the steaming shower.

I felt a sudden change of tone here. Almost as if a different narrator was talking. It was like there was someone chatting about the vase, the flowers, the pennies, setting the scene (like one sets a table!), and the tone of voice seemed quite adultish despite the cuteness and bus-song-ness of the forty-nine pennies. Tracy sounds too fake a name to use, and that, when coupled with the rather obvious 'she woke up' line totally overthrew the subtle, delicate tone of the previous para.

I realised that this was a random collection of thoughts here (upon rereading your disclaimer). I think they are all potential stories within an overall story, actually. Like the goings-on of a particular town encompassed within these intriguing characters. You definitely need to think about them a lot more - plan them out; their different stories, and how they're going to interlink with each other - when they cross paths, and what happens when they do.

I won't go into further speifics of the writing itself here (having realised that it is severely disjointed), but I will mention that you tend to be quite repetitive in places. 'She looked terrible' is unneeded when saying that 'she had bits of yellow in her cheeks and her mouth was crusty'. You don't need to say 'she swore' when you've already said 'damn'. The words 'cotton candy' are repeated within the space of two consecutive lines. The repetition detracts from the beautiful subtlety I can see you are capable of showing. But since this is an early draft, I wouldn't pay too much attention to it just yet - only to the plot, the characters, the setting and the overall purpose.

So...the cotton candy vendor is certainly an interesting character, since we don't see them starring too often in a piece of writing. Stick with them, and try to give them a separate 'voice' to the other characters.

The Jason Brown character (sounds an awful lot like Jason Bourne to me) is a tad cliche, while being really bizarre as well. Almost like you're trying too hard to give him odd characteristics - at least, I assume he's the toothless customer in the cotton candy para. If you are going to give him weird qualities, make sure they're for some purpose, and not just for show.

Anyway, I'd be interested in seeing what you plan out for this - I can see it as a longer short story, actually, and feel free to PM me once you've got some kind of a plan sussed out with where you're going. At the moment, the switches in narrator are far too sudden, and each character needs to be explored a lot more before jumping between them.

Hope that helped! Any questions or issues - just PM me.

This is really funny. Reviewer #1 assumed that Tracy was the cotton candy vendor. Reviewer #2 thought that Jason was the toothless man. Actually, I had thought that they were totally separate characters...but I like that...especially the toothless man being Jason! Thanks a ton for your ideas. I realize this is a really weird post, but I was just writing down ideas and hoped someone could help me connect them. Thanks guys! I'll keep working on it!

Sarebear