The Fight for Nemazania - Chapter 1

The black storm clouds circled high above Castle Rock as the King sat back on his throne in the dimly lit room. Galvon looked absently through the windows as he walked steadily towards the King’s chambers. The boy who followed him showed no sign of fear at being taken to the evil King. Galvon was pleased by this. As he was the King’s bodyguard, henchman and sorcerer he knew his master would also be very pleased with this boy.
Iroldak was becoming impatient. Galvon was late. But he waited, going over his plan yet again as he did. A few minutes later came the knock on the door. Galvon entered, closely followed by the boy.
“You are late Galvon.” Iroldak said calmly as his trusted subject brought the boy before him.
“I am sorry Sire. There was some trouble on the way.” he said as he took his position beside the King, “This is the boy I spoke of, Anivad Summerdream. He is the only other sorcerer other than me.”
“Unlike you though, the people of my Kingdom do not know what he is. They have no idea of his power. Anivad Summerdream. What a nice name for such a terrible boy. How old are you Summerdream?” the King inquired, rising slowly from his thrown and descending the stone steps to where the boy stood.
“I’m seventeen Sir.” Anivad answered as the King circled him, inspecting him.
“And you are sure he is the last sorcerer other than yourself Galvon?” Iroldak asked, his eyes not straying from the seemingly unimportant young boy who stood before him, unaware of the task he was about to be set.
“Of course sire. I have checked many times and he is the only other.” Galvon replied.
Iroldak looked at Anivad. He did not appear in anyway different from the other villagers and townspeople throughout Nemazania. He was not as tall as the King, but he was not small and his hair was as black as the midnight sky. His clothes were not new and appeared slightly worn but were made of strong fabric that would last him a long time.
“I have an extremely important and potentially treacherous task for you, young sorcerer. I must know I have your loyalty before I entrust such a mission into your filthy little hands.” Iroldak stopped in front of Anivad and glared at him, “There is no time for you to prove this loyalty in a spectacular way that I would enjoy but I know I can trust. It’s in your eyes.” the King peered into his bright, emerald green eyes where that all too familiar glint of hatred shone out around the room. “Are you willing to take on this mission I have so cleverly and carefully devised?” he paused; Anivad nodded in agreement, “Good. You must follow my instructions perfectly. I am the rightful King of Nemazania but there are still many in the Varmount region who wish to take my throne and make one Princess Elgrada Queen. Galvon has informed me that she is being brought here and that the Varmount rebels have formed an army to storm this castle and kill me so I can’t do anything about this… Elgrada stealing my power. They will enter the village of Eravada tonight and Galvon tells me that they plan to split up so she will not fall into any of my traps. That is where I need you Summerdream. In a few days they will reach the centre of the Aravian enchanted forest and that’s where I want you to join them. Make friends with them so they trust you and let you become part of their little group. Then, when you hand them over to my guards they will be destroyed by your deception. Hopefully this will prevent them trying anything like this again. That and the fact that I will have their precious Princess publicly executed.” he paused as he resumed his seat on his throne, “Be friends with them and make sure they take the left path at the end of the forest. Before you come within seven miles of my city gates they will be caught in my trap. I want you to bring them to me personally. After a night in my dungeons ad the Princesses execution I will release her little friends. They must not know that you are working for me. They must not know anything of my plan. Especially that you are a sorcerer. If they do my wonderful plan will fail and it will be you who is executed. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes Sir.” Anivad said as he opened the large oak door, “I will go tomorrow and do exactly as you said. Don’t worry your Majesty, I will not fail.”

Hey StuffandMoreStuff. I think this has potential, but you need to spice it up a bit; make it more exciting. Right now it's bland. Add in more descriptions of the king's throne room and Castle Rock.

“I have an extremely important and potentially treacherous task for you, young sorcerer. I must know I have your loyalty before I entrust such a mission into your filthy little hands.” Iroldak stopped in front of Anivad and glared at him, “There is no time for you to prove this loyalty in a spectacular way that I would enjoy but I know I can trust. It’s in your eyes.” the King peered into his bright, emerald green eyes where that all too familiar glint of hatred shone out around the room. “Are you willing to take on this mission I have so cleverly and carefully devised?” he paused; Anivad nodded in agreement, “Good. You must follow my instructions perfectly. I am the rightful King of Nemazania but there are still many in the Varmount region who wish to take my throne and make one Princess Elgrada Queen. Galvon has informed me that she is being brought here and that the Varmount rebels have formed an army to storm this castle and kill me so I can’t do anything about this… Elgrada stealing my power. They will enter the village of Eravada tonight and Galvon tells me that they plan to split up so she will not fall into any of my traps. That is where I need you Summerdream. In a few days they will reach the centre of the Aravian enchanted forest and that’s where I want you to join them. Make friends with them so they trust you and let you become part of their little group. Then, when you hand them over to my guards they will be destroyed by your deception. Hopefully this will prevent them trying anything like this again. That and the fact that I will have their precious Princess publicly executed.” he paused as he resumed his seat on his throne, “Be friends with them and make sure they take the left path at the end of the forest. Before you come within seven miles of my city gates they will be caught in my trap. I want you to bring them to me personally. After a night in my dungeons ad the Princesses execution I will release her little friends. They must not know that you are working for me. They must not know anything of my plan. Especially that you are a sorcerer. If they do my wonderful plan will fail and it will be you who is executed. Do I make myself clear?”

This either needs to be broken down...or spread out over a couple of chapters. Right now, we're getting a lot of information in this one section.

“Yes Sir.” Anivad said as he opened the large oak door, “I will go tomorrow and do exactly as you said. Don’t worry your Majesty, I will not fail.”

Galvon seems like your typical "do whatever the bad guy wants" type of guy. You need to make him a more three dimensional character with flaws, secrets, etc.

Don't be afraid to slow down the pace a little bit and spread things out over a few chapters. This will allow the reader to get a better feel for the characters, the setting, and the plot.
Add more description.
Work on character development.
Spice up beginning.

Work on those things and this story will be truly amazing.

Embee.

Thaks for your post Embee!
I have noticed that section of dialogue is pretttty long but this is the only time I'm actually going to be focusing on the King and Galvon for the next few chapters (I'm going to have more descriptions of the castle, King and Galvon in Chapter 6 (where I'm going to do some revealing about Galvon's personality and stuff). Thanks for suggesting secrets for Galvon though because I haven't really thought about that. Thanks for the post and I'll upload the next chapter soon.

quite a good story, it does have potential.

there were four main problems i found with it though:

1: the king; he seems to be over the top with his big headedness, it's almost unbelievable i found.

2: Anivad seems to be quite plain, maybe you could spice his character up a bit.

3: perhaps you could give more description of things like what the throne room looks like, colours around and stuff.

4: maybe slow the pace down and don't use so much speech.

really is a good story though, just consider making some changes.

Stuff!

The story does have potential! You just need to use more description to set the scene... I mean right now in my mind I just have an empty room with a throne in it! You need to describe at the beginning or throw in descriptions as you go along. I mean, you could have a 'lavishly dressed bed' or something, throw in some personification! Personification is cool! (You don't have to use personification... It was an example).

Also; use punctuation to slow down the story. You could have perhaps left the story on a cliff hanger!

' “Are you willing to take on this mission I have so cleverly and carefully devised?” he paused; Anivad nodded in agreement, “Good. You must follow my instructions perfectly."

I think it would have been better to stop here; that way your audience is asking, 'What does he want him to do?' or 'What will happen next?'

It was a bit much explaining what the king wanted him to do straight away!;)

Try to describe your characters a bit better but don't worry about it too much as this is only the beginning!

As for a secret, perhaps Anivad really hates the king for some reason and wants to kill him at some point!;)

Heyo Stuff! I'm Moo, and I'll be reviewing your story today.

The black storm clouds circled high above Castle Rock as the King sat back on his throne in the dimly lit room. Galvon looked absently through the windows as he walked steadily towards the King’s chambers. The boy who followed him showed no sign of fear at being taken to the evil King.

A fair opening. Nice description here, but we need a hook. A hook can be some sort of short, punchy sentence, to grasp the reader's attention. It sounds stupid, but think of how many times you've opened a book and read the first line, and put it back. See? Hooks are quite difficult to perfect, and you don't need to worry about it just yet.

For further reading and a few tips, try this little site I found.

http://www.ehow.com/how_4556500_write-hook-fiction.html

Another nitpick here. There's something about the last line that irks me slightly. Why is the king evil? I think this is a little like info dumping. Show the reader that the king is evil through dialogue and his actions, rather than tell them.

He did not appear in anyway different from the other villagers and townspeople throughout Nemazania. He was not as tall as the King, but he was not small and his hair was as black as the midnight sky.

The underlined sentence is iffy, a little. Perhaps it would be easier to say he was medium height.

His clothes were not new and appeared slightly worn but were made of strong fabric that would last him a long time.

Comma after worn makes this sentence flow more easily.

“I have an extremely important and potentially treacherous task for you, young sorcerer. I must know I have your loyalty before I entrust such a mission into your filthy little hands.” Iroldak stopped in front of Anivad and glared at him, “There is no time for you to prove this loyalty in a spectacular way that I would enjoy but I know I can trust.

Why does the King entrust him with such a crucial mission, and more importantly, why is this boy obeying his word? You should give us some insight into this character's thoughts in order to explain his loyalty to this King.

“Good. You must follow my instructions perfectly. I am the rightful King of Nemazania but there are still many in the Varmount region who wish to take my throne and make one Princess Elgrada Queen. Galvon has informed me that she is being brought here and that the Varmount rebels have formed an army to storm this castle and kill me so I can’t do anything about this… Elgrada stealing my power. They will enter the village of Eravada tonight and Galvon tells me that they plan to split up so she will not fall into any of my traps. That is where I need you Summerdream. In a few days they will reach the centre of the Aravian enchanted forest and that’s where I want you to join them. Make friends with them so they trust you and let you become part of their little group. Then, when you hand them over to my guards they will be destroyed by your deception. Hopefully this will prevent them trying anything like this again. That and the fact that I will have their precious Princess publicly executed.” he paused as he resumed his seat on his throne, “Be friends with them and make sure they take the left path at the end of the forest. Before you come within seven miles of my city gates they will be caught in my trap. I want you to bring them to me personally. After a night in my dungeons ad the Princesses execution I will release her little friends. They must not know that you are working for me. They must not know anything of my plan. Especially that you are a sorcerer. If they do my wonderful plan will fail and it will be you who is executed. Do I make myself clear?”

Large paragraphs tend to scare readers. They might skip it as it looks large and daunting, even though important information may be contained inside. Try to break this up with thoughts of the characters and description.

Thoughts Overall:

This was good, and it has a lot of potential. However, it lacks in some things:

Description. We need to have a good feel for the characters and their surroundings in order to be able to envision the scene being written. Also, try not to tell readers what characters look like, and show them instead. For example:

'He had thick, dark hair and green eyes.'

'The boy flicked a strand of dark hair from his emerald irises, his gaze locking with that of his friend.'

Character Personality. It's quite early to be worrying about this, but its nice to get a good feel of the characters even from the very beginning. You don't need to show personality through dialogue or what the characters do. You can even show it even through the way characters look, for example, 'The smooth curve of his smile was tainted with arrogance...' etc etc. The King at this point seems too clichéd as an evil dictator. Try to develop him as a character to make him stand out from this typical fantasy stencil.

Insight into the Character's thoughts. So far we don't seem to be following any particular character. Try to focus on at least one viewpoint, and show us what this character thinks. It doesn't sound important but it helps to get good insight into their character and gives the story direction.

I hope I was helpful! I'd be happy to review any further chapters to help you out. Just PM me with any questions as well

Good luck!

-Moo