The Bullet Grazed Her Heart pt.1

Hello everyone! Miss Lovely Loveless here with a story that I started writing...yesterday! So far, I have way more than what I'm going to post below((when I get inspired there's no stopping my fingers)) so I'll just post the first part! Are you ready for this, people? Because, I don't think you're ready. Well, ready or not, I'm posting anyway! Enjoy.

~The bullet grazed her heart~

"...we can still be friends," a pathetic attempt to soften the blow. It wouldn't have mattered, though, I had already lost her. Through a thin film of manufactured hostility, her eyes flickered vibrantly with hurt, heartbreak, and sorrow. A single street light buzzed above our heads, helping to make the dark circles that were already forming under her once dark blue eyes to become more noticeable. Autumn wind wrapped around both our still bodies, causing her short, dark brown hair to litter her sunken face.
"Nanali, I-" A weak smile spread itself across her lips, catching me off guard and throwing my words onto the ground. She just smiled, as if to say 'Just shut up, Zane, don't embarrass yourself by trying to comfort me.' Clamping my mouth shut, I just stood there. Silently. Anxiously. The smile went as quickly as it came, allowing her features to be rendered emotionless, even the mix of emotions held in her red-stained eyes were hidden behind a thick, pulsing, foggy veil of nothing. A light breeze made the open flaps of my blazer snap back and forth noisy; I tried not to look as the hem of her silk blue gown raised ever so slightly, revealing smooth, golden brown, legs. Legs that I was once free to touch whenever I wished it so, legs that were now restricted. I couldn't cry about it though, it was I who caused it to be that way. The unexpected sound of leaves scattering across the street caused my fingers to twitch; she didn't even flinch. You're making this difficult, I wanted to scream, say something! Anything, please.
"Oh my, Nana! Don't make this-"
"-harder than it has to be," she mumbled in a flat monotone. I swallowed my words and kicked absently at the air. Another painful minute of agonizing silence. Torture.
"Why," she choked out.
"Don't ask me that," my voice was strained and tired. I just want this all to be over.
"We've been together for two years now, I have the right to know. Why now?" My clenched teeth became a barrier to the words and emotions that threatened to spill out. One Mississippi...
"Very well then." Two Mississippi...
"I suppose I'll be on my way." Three Mississippi. She turned her back and ran off into the moonlight. The sounds of her stilettos pounding against pavement echoed through the night air, daring the world to make any other sound. I didn't need to see the tears finally spill over the edge of her eyes, or hear her ragged, broken sobs to know that my bullet grazed her heart.
- - - - - - -
No, that's not the end! More to come...maybe...

Big kiss, romance dismissed!
Among The Used

Miss Lovely Loveless!

Okay, so maybe I've read too many stories and such (read: definitely read too much) but when I read your first paragraph, I was like, "Aha, so it seems like this is describing a female character!" Why? The style is just so feminine that I figured it had to be. But no! Unless Zane is a female name, it's not! So it just seemed off in that respect.

Mind you, I can't put my finger on exactly why it seemed so off. There is really no description of himself or how he feels (besides him crying). It seems largely internal, which I suppose I considered more of a feminine quality. I don't know! It just seemed off.

Also... two years? Come on. If you're with someone for two years, you KNOW that person. He probably has an idea. It's probably not as much of a shock as it's portrayed to be. Mind you, it would still hurt and such, but it's not like he wouldn't have guessed that maybe this relationship just won't work. And, it seems strange that if he's that internal, that he wouldn't have actually done anything about it. I mean, they probably tried to fix it (they have been together two years!) so it seems weird.

I don't know. This relationship is fundamentally flawed. XD

Hiya

Wow, I really really like this! So much seems to be explained in such a short paragraph, excellent description, I really did feel like I was there. Very well done!

I agree with Miss Snoink over there! Your MC (main character) is portrayed in a rather feminine manner. And when I heard the name Zane, I knew it was a boy. Then why so much femininity? Though I think either a boy going through femininity problems like, you know, maybe he thinks he's gay, makes it all the more interesting. Or, even, two girls breaking up. But it's all up to you. You ARE the writer.
I disagree with Snoink though. You actually really DON'T KNOW that person. You might know his favorite color or flavor of ice cream, but not what's inside his head. And, it's still shocking all the same.
I agree with Shade. I did feel like I was there, watching them.
Keep up the great work!
Chow for now,
~sionarama

Hey. *tear drops from eye* What happened that made Zane suddenly dump her after a two year relationship? Loveless, please reveal his secret or whatever.

She just smiled is all, as if to say 'Just shut up, Zane, don't embarrass yourself by trying to comfort me.'

Is there supposed to be "is all" after "smilied"? It didn't make much sense to me.

It was good writing, just continue and explain more please.

-Crescent

Hey, this was great! I really loved the writing, and it had some beautiful writing. I'd love to read more. A couple problems-->

"...we can still be friends," a pathetic attempt to soften the blow. It wouldn't have mattered, though, I had already lost her.

The first bit of dialogue, I assumed was being said by Nanali. And halfway through the story I realized, no, Zane's breaking up with her not vice versa! I'd put "I made a pathetic attempt to soften the blow" if you want an easy way to clear that up.

" Why," she choked out.

Should be "Why?" Also, most of your dialogue including this has the quotation mark (") then a space, then the words. That space shouldn't be there. Just a formatting thing, but I thought I'd point it out.

silk blue gown
...
boots

Wow, this is a tiny nitpick, but it kinda bothered me. Gown implies a long, floor length dress, boots would be weird with that. Oh boy, I can't believe I just pointed out something that small. XD

Unlike other people, I actually thought the MC was a boy. Looking back over it, though, you do have a lot of introspection, and if you want to make it more masculine, describe his physical actions more (clenched my fists, took a step forward, gritted my teeth, etc.).

A single street light buzzed above our heads, helping to make the dark circles that were already forming under her once light violet eyes to become more noticeable. Autumn wind wrapped around both our still bodies, causing her short, dark brown hair to litter her sunken face.

I really loved this because it hinted at problems Nanali was having, and I got the feeling this might have been the reason they broke up? I super hope this is expanded on. But really, violet eyes? Impossible.

Anyway, it was a wonderful piece, and I can't wait for you to post more.

~karma

Violet eyes are NOT impossible!!!!! They are just not common! Humph!
i will not give up hope,
Sionarama