Friend or Follower?

It was the beginning of 7th grade and Kiana, Paulina, and I were just hanging out at recess. (It was two days of school and I already had to miss a week of it. I had to go to Hawai'i for a funeral.) We were talking about how I was going to Hawai'i for a week and Kiana not liking Rischel and Nicole. I never (really) liked Rischel and Nicole. Kiana didn't really like Rischel either. She even told me so. So Kiana promised me that she wouldn't hang out with Rischel or Nicole while I was at Hawai'i.

I go and come back from Hawai'i. I arrive at school at approximately 6:55 AM. At around 7:15 AM, Kiana sees me and comes running towards me giving me a big hug. Then from behind her I see Rischel and Nicole. I give them a fake smile and then they both gives me a hug(But one after another)... Great... I'm thinking to myself 'Oh goodness. Get off of me.' Then she turns around to Kiana and asks "Did you bring your sunglasses!?" Kiana turns to her backpack on her back and pulls out a pair of sunglasses with a smile on her face. "OMG I LOVE THEM!" says Rischel. Right after I see Paulina walking down the hallway and she comes to me a gives me a big hug. Now from Paulina, I wouldn't mind a hug from her. We've been good friends ever since 4th grade. Anyways, after the hug, I asked Paulina "What happened when I was gone?"
"I'll tell you at recess okay?"
"Okay."



(I will finish this when I have the time... to be continued)

Hi!

So, I don't know to critique this, exactly. It's obviously unfinished and I can't really see where it's leading. Your writing style is somewhat dreary, and this reads like a journal entry more then anything.

Why should we care about what's going on? There's a good technique that you can use called foreshadowing. If it's something obviously sinister that Paulina is going tell her, you can show us that through her body language. Are her eyes glassy? Is she shaking?

Even if you don't remember the exact details, you remember exactly what she told you and you add to that so we'll keep reading beyond the first few paragraphs.

Good luck, dear, and PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo