Downward

This is my first poetry, EVER. Please enjoy.


It is into the fire that I will go.
How I will fare, nobody shall ever know.
For my malevolence is wall know, that is true.
This will always be this day that I shall rue
My bloody knife, it went through the back of he.
I did not know that it would soon be me.
The river stained a bloody red, was massive.
The demons on the bank, were all but passive.
The boat, it went solemnly down the river.
The air was cold, and I started to shiver.
I finally reach the end, and stepp off the boat.
My hands tremble, and a knot is in my throat.
In front of me was a big red grotesque beast,
This demon looked like he was ready to feast.
It is now I truly know not all is well.
I could never survive this eternal hell.

Hey there!

For your first poem, I will say that this was rather good. You creating a compelling, memorable story! There were a few things that bothered me, like your rhyme scheme. It seems a little forced, and it doesn't contribute anything to the poem. Poems don't have to rhyme, you know; just have a set rhythm.

I also thought your imagery was somewhat lacking. You've taken us to a unique and larger-then-life setting that no one will probably ever see in their life. The reader is curious to see how you envision this land so we can be taken along for the ride.

1. NITPICKS

malevolence is wall

Okay, so I had to look up 'malevolence' to know what it meant, and I'm sure that a lot of other people will. Don't use big words for the sake of using big words. Sometimes, lesser vocab will work just fine and won't leave the reader scratching their head.

The river stained a bloody red, was massive.
The demons on the bank, were all but passive.

There shouldn't be commas after red or bank.

The boat, it went solemnly down the river.

The phrasing here seems a little awkward here. You could either take out the comma and the 'it' or replace the comma with a semi-colon.

2. FINAL THOUGHTS

I think you've got potential, and since this your first poem ever, you're only going to get better. I hope you decide to stick with it. PM me if you have any questions or if you didn't understand anything and want it explained.


Good luck!
-Elinor xo

Thanks for the feedback.

I don't know the finer aspects of poetry, and to be honest, I'm more comfortable writing novels.

I tried really hard to make each line to have 11 syllables, and to have a rhyme scheme. 'cause when I think poetry, I think rhymes for some reason.

I don't think it's really my niche, so I probably won't be doing any more. It's nice to see I actually made one though.

I liked the poem. Personally, I enjoy the use of large words. To me, it makes the writing funner(I know it's not a real word) to read. Don't think I'm weird or anything, but I really like reading stuff that has to do with death and other morbid and demonic topics. They are just more appealing to me. You did really good! Keep at it!

this is an exellent poem, especially for your first.

I'll start with the not so good: first of all, the rhyming was, at some points a little bit like you had forced yourself to make it rhyme. some of the lines' sylables could be corrected maybe, make them shorter, make them longer.

And the good stuff: for a first attempt, that was really good. i know i said SOME sylables could be changed but some of your lines were very good and i was very impressed. SOME of the rhymes were a bit forced but some were very good and again i was very impressed.

Overall: a very good poem