Windmills or Breaking Slowly

Windmills break slowly

Turning spiraling, brazen darkness

Becoming larger, the depths of my heart

Empty enough to fill anything

Big or small, minute or vital

Are my nerves, shoot adrenaline

Breaking slowly


Relationships break slowly

Cracked edges, chapped lips

Needs balm, nowhere to be seen

Is my light, my sunshine

Gone into the wilderness

Without me, so I am

Breaking slowly


Life breaks slowly

Veils were meant to

Tear like a paper cuts

The flesh the imperfection

Of the skin, dying inside

Is me for my life is

Breaking slowly



Hearts break slowly

The color of red, scarlet

Lips touch mine

My breath

Being stolen from my throat

Underneath the organ

That beats to the

Sound of silence, its

Breaking slowly

Love breaks slowly

I fell, in your arms

I want to stay

Here where the sidewalk ends

Is where I have to stop

Pulling the catalyst

To do something worse

Than you breaking me slowly

Okay I really like the image of a windmill on the horizon slowly breaking apart. If i were writing this poem I would describe its atrophy in complete, I would research a windmill and its components so I could undo it before the reader's eyes.

I see the flow in your poem, how things are breaking... but you move from something concrete into something abstract. I'd like to see everything be concrete, but symbolize something else. You know what I mean?

Honestly I'd lengthen the line and work on including more details... more concrete nouns as well as sensory details, and you know that I'm going to tell you to go and READ READ READ

best,

Hello there. It's always sad to only get one review, so here I am to review you, too.

You started out with a very interesting premise, however you switched to more common and cliche imagery. I'd like to have seen you expand on the windmills-heart analogy since it's quite unique.

Another thing I noticed is that your writing feels fragmented. It goes well with the whole broken theme you have going, but the inconsistent punctuation, cliche phrasings, and repetition of "breaking slowly" (and others) makes it more jarring. For one, you don't need to capitalize the first letter of every line. Generally, the punctuation of a poem follows the same punctuation conventions as regular rose. I suggest being more careful and consistent with your punctuation, cutting down on the repetition of "breaking slowly", and using more unique phrasings.

Speaking of phrasings, there were a couple that made me raise my eyebrows. In particular, referring to the heart as "the organ / That beats to the / Sound of silence" struck me as very odd since you were talking about the metaphorical heart, then suddenly anatomical, then back to metaphorical. You drift around a lot with your comparisons, in general.

Overall, I think this poem could use a bit more focus, consistent punctuation, and less common phrases. I also really think that comparing a heart to a windmill has a lot of potential. Would you mind if I used the idea for a poem of mine?