Dwell

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They arrive home. It’s late. Brian pays the babysitter, walks her to her car, watches her drive away. Sixteen. He remembers sixteen. When life was that simple. Prom dates and junior research papers. That’s all he thought about at sixteen.

He goes back inside, to his rented, oddly furnished home. Not what he wants. All he can afford. Maybe all that he will ever be able to afford. It seems that way, at least. Hannah is already in bed, the baby curled up next to her. She always wants to cuddle with the baby now. Never with him. She turns away when he crawls under the sheets. When he reaches out to touch her, she flinches, holds the baby tight. He pulls back, wraps his arms around himself, tries to sleep.

He is awoken, later, to the sound of the baby’s cries. Hannah is up, bouncing the baby, yelling at Brian to fix his bottle, yelling at him that he isn’t doing it right, shoving the baby at him so she can do it herself. The baby pulls away from him, reaches towards Hannah. He doesn’t want him. Never seems to want him. Brian thinks of the babysitter, probably asleep, no worries, no screams in the night, no bills to pay, no responsibilities. He remembers being that. He recalls it more clearly than he knows himself now. It doesn’t seem that long ago, can’t be that long ago. But everything in his life is completely different. How did he get here, he wonders.




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Points 15337
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Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
They arrive home. It’s late

You can have this as one whole sentence.
He doesn't want him

Although I perfectly understand this statement, and I'm sure others will too, it seems a little weird to put two 'he's in the sentence. Maybe you could say 'He doesn't want Brian' instead?

Okay I pretty much like this story here, kind of makes me sympathise with Brian. I like the way you wrote the story, not in past tense but in present. You hardly see stories like that. There are, but few. You don't have any grammar or punctuation mistakes, as far as I can see. Is this the whole story, it seems to be, hope there would be another part, because I find this story should be continued.

Good luck and keep writing, bye! :D
Writing is all about imagination~




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Gender Female
Points 4881
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This is a very interesting peek into this man's life. I am very curious about him and definitely want to know more. I'm not sure if you want to extend the piece, but I think there's a story hiding in there.

Give us 200% more details. I want to know what kind of car the babysitter drives. I want to know what the house looks like - he says he doesn't like the furniture, but that it's all they can afford. Show me the furniture. Give me details of their room, of the bed. Is it a big bed or small? What season is it? Is there air conditioning. Heat? A fan? More descriptions will tell us about this man's life without actually telling us.

Good start! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
"Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." - Anton Chekhov



You'd better wise up, Pony... you get tough like me and you don't get hurt. You look out for yourself and nothing can touch you, man.
— Dallas Winston, The Outsiders