The Hedgehog

The Hedgehog

Not sure where it’s going, neither sure where it’s been
Innocence surrounds it, like a young child unaware but ‘so sweet’
It quietly plods around, in places hidden from our eyes.
Isolated it stays concelead, under starry skies

Peel back some spikes, some pain, and you'll see the creature smile again
Can kindness not be shown when cautious, it wonders asleep in it's secluded den
Fences of seclusion are brittle, hiding the tenderness of the gardens they conceal
The hedgehog’s not unkind, simply wary of those who think of him as their next meal

Where the spikes finally stop, soft beige fur starts
Onyx eyes prominent, expressionless. There’s no open book to a hedgehogs heart
A small black nose held out for guidance like a blind man wields a stick
Always at a disadvantage, more alert but never more cunning

As the milky light of the sun fades away
The hedgehog begins the day
Cautious but naive
Worshipping the unrealistic world it sees

Silently scuttling behind shrubbery walls
Head held down, a hedgehog does not stand tall
It’s the underdog, the tortoise not the hare.
Slow and steady wins the race, one day he’ll get there

[Not great, I know! Poetry really isn't my thing, just wrote it for school and thought I'd post it to see what you guys thought It's meant to be about 'A Animal' according to my school planner, so I know it isn't that deep or anything, but I tried to give a little bit of meaning xD]

Hey fizza! It turns out I was just reading something else on the topic of 'identity' and something about this hedgehog poem got to me.

Peel back some spikes, some pain, and you'll see the creature smile again

That line, I think, needs to have more expansion on the idea.

Not sure where it’s going, neither sure where it’s been
Innocence surrounds it, like a young child unaware but ‘so sweet’
It quietly plods around, in places hidden from our eyes.
Isolated it stays concelead, under starry skies

This begins with a cute style of diction - it sounds as if you're talking to us, and I can hear your 'voice' quite clearly. I think that 'innocence surrounds it' is a little too direct for my liking, as it 'so sweet' - SHOW us it's sweet; don't TELL us - make us imagine it, and feel it. Something like 'bathed in white light' will convey 'innocence' and cute-words will convey sweetness. 'Starry skies' - I think you can do better than this - this is cliche, and therefore makes that beautiful imgae you're trying to evoke as sounding bland, and insincere, which you do not want to do.

Peel back some spikes, some pain, and you'll see the creature smile again
Can kindness not be shown when cautious, it wonders asleep in it's secluded den
Fences of seclusion are brittle, hiding the tenderness of the gardens they conceal
The hedgehog’s not unkind, simply wary of those who think of him as their next meal

I don't think you need to say 'pain' all that explicitly here. And I honestly cannot for the life of me imagine a hedgehog smiling. The way you've phrased the second line here is quite...formal: 'not be shown' and so detracts from the warm, endearing tone you have started off with. I want a cute, fuzzy feeling when I read this, so just think about that. Also - the last line - too literal again. Something like: 'It quivers, runs from this great platter of earth,' would make it less direct. You can do better, I'm sure

The next bits are much the same - careful not to repeat the same word - I think you've used 'cautious' twice! And think about structure. At present, it is relatively structure-less - free verse is fine, and I am a big fan of free verse myself, but that shouldn't stop you from tethering it in somewhere. The way it is laid out on the page currently looks like it needs to be folded and tucked in in places. There are stanzas that are too long horizontally across, and others that are long and short; so the effect looks muddled, less refined.

I have two suggestions for the stanza structure (and yes, both will involve careful rethinking to cut some lines down, while still incorporating the same meaning into the stanza as a whol): firstly, although I like free verse, for as cute a poem as this, I think that rhyme would be very nice indeed. Second idea: a hedgehog as spikes, so make one line short, one ling long - every alternate line in this pattern, so your poem looks 'spiky'!

Have fun with that, and good luck with re-editing!

Hey Fizza, and welcome to YWS! Remember me from your welcome thread?

Okay, so! This was okay. It needs to be cleaned up a little, but I definitely think your poetry has potential, though! I think your main problem is that you try to cram too much into a line and you have no punctuation. You need punctuation in your poetry because line breaks do not indicate pause. If you put your stanzas into paragraphs, it's not going to make much sense, will it?

I also have one tiny nitpick.

There’s no open book to a hedgehogs heart

There should be an apostrophe after the second 'g' in hedgehog since the that indicates possession, and I'm pretty sure the hedgehog possesses his heart.

Good luck revising this, and do PM me if you have questions!

-Elinor xo