You're a Sweetheart

How did you do that?
Just blatantly look up and see past
every guise that I had constructed about myself.
All the laughter, the joking, you pushed it aside
and saw down and into my heart.
I thought I’d hidden it, I thought it was gone.
I guess I fooled myself, but not you.
It’s so frustrating to have someone,
especially someone so detached, unknowing,
see exactly what you are, to know all of your secrets.
You say that I’m a sweetheart, a kind soul,
and you have already captured my heart with those words.
Why did you have to see the sadness inside?
I sincerely hope that wasn’t just a line that you used on me
Because I think you saw a part of me that no one has
and that thrills me more than I want to say.
I don’t know how to deal with your all-knowing persona.
I want to hide the things about myself
that are not especially attractive or simple.
I guess what I’m trying to ask you is to just please be real
Because if the one person who finally saw me
was a fraud, I think that would hurt the most.

Hi, Emma! ^_^ Welcome to YWS. Be sure to post an introduction thread in the welcome forum if you haven't already, so we can greet you properly. ^_^ I'm Hannah.

Anyways, to the poem. A few quick things, and then I'll get to my main point.

How did you do that?
Just blatantly look up and see past
every guise that I had constructed about myself.

The rest of the poem is fairly informal, but the way you've constructed these sentences seem to be overly formal. Words like 'guise' are from a completely different set of words than phrases like 'how did you do that?'. I really like the power that starting with that question brought, but it fell flat after that, and I think you should consider keeping your diction consistent.

I thought I’d hidden it, I thought it was gone.

Consider that these have two different meanings and one is stronger. 'I thought I'd hidden it' implies knowing about the sadness and knowing exactly where it's hidden. 'I thought it was gone' is more detached, implying that the speaker doesn't know where it went, but just that it isn't here anymore. One is more powerful and one fits better with the following ideas, so I'd cut the one that doesn't fit with what you're trying to say.

Because if the one person who finally saw me was a fraud, I think that would hurt the most.

This is a powerful idea, but the only way I feel anything from reading this poem is from thinking about my own situation. You didn't make me feel that. It was like something that distracted me from reading your poem. I want you to take me in and swallow me into this emotion that you and I are feeling, but you have to do it subtly. This poem reads more like a journal entry or a letter, cut up with line breaks, and that's not what poems are! Bring us images of the people whispering together about this sadness, or how they hold each other, or how their lips move. Some imagery, some comparisons to other ideas that communicate the same emotion so that it's accessible to everyone.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, okay? ^_^ Hope to see you around a lot more!

-Hannah-

Emma -

That was a wonderful opening line: 'How did you do that?' My question to you exactly . I was hooked, wanting to know more, on the edge of my seat. But the biggest reason why the poem didn't live up to its first line was the blatant lack of imagery. Aim for less repetition, say the same thing in fewer words, but make each and every word count. Construct a picture in our minds, compare the way he plunges right to the bottom of the matter to something else, something we all can understand and identify with - maybe have yourself as a metaphor for something (a...oh, I have forgotten what it's called...you know the doll within the doll within the doll and the smallest on is THE doll?.

Otherwise, that is a sweet idea. Avoid contradicting yourself like the plague - at one point, you say it's thrilling to have someone know you through and through, and at another, I get the feeling you don't want him to - if you have confused feelings, we will understand them better by a figure of speech than by a literal contradiction. Metaphors are probably your biggest allies here.

Also...welcome to YWS and I look forward to more inspired poetry (**winks**).

Navita

The word Navita's looking for is a Nesting Doll (or Matroshka in Russian). In my opinion, you should steal this idea of a metaphor and run with it. Start afresh - you've gotten all of the raw emotion out with this poem, but it's time to clean up the clutter and really get down to the details. Use this idea of a nesting doll to organize the layers of the narrator. Perhaps talk about the doll (the narrator) being taken apart (by the outside force/other person). You could really wrap it up nicely if you had the doll being put back together again! I say give it a try. (Keep the first line. Challenge yourself.)