To Write, To Dream
By Mack Jenkins
Most of my spare time nowadays is spent wondering if I am sane or not. Mainly because my outlook on life has slowly become so warped that I can no longer see the original image of what I perceived as sanity.
I know I’m still sane because I can tell that I am no longer myself. It’s mainly from my sleep loss.
I sleep so little that my body is working twice as hard on half the energy just to allow me to function normally.
Think of your body as a machine. All the cogs and gears are spinning fine and then it starts to run low on power. It becomes slow and inefficient. That’s me, because I can’t get a full recharge.
But don’t get me wrong, I have many habits that keep me from going totally nuts.
My main ones are I act, I coach the Grade 9 improv team at my school, and best of all I write. Like that’s all I seem to do now.
One of my parents will get up in the middle of the night and see my bedroom light on and tell me to shut it off and go to bed. At first, I would always reply “can’t sleep” and then it got to “I wish I could.” Now I just stare my dad blankly in the face for a moment and go back to my writing.
In many ways, writing is my only escape from that torment. Writing is like dreaming while you’re awake. You write your own world. I’ve got three books or so on the go right now and a mountain of short stories in my room.
I read a lot more now though. My Writer’s Craft teacher Mr. O’Toole gives me some good books to read and it gives me a chance to look at other people’s writing styles and good common techniques.
I remember when the loss of sleep started. I would always be on the computer till 3:00 a.m and then no one would be online. So I just sat there for the first little bit, and I would go a day or two without sleep and then pass out for a bit.
I started writing for the sole reason of Writer’s Craft. I was an assignment behind so I figured with my downtime, I would finish it; I’ve always been a fast writer. Then it happened. I don’t know how but when I finished it I laid back and started to edit it. The next thing I knew my mom was in my room waking me up. It was 7:00 a.m. I had slept for two or three hours. I realized right then and there, that that helps me a lot.
I suppose the reason I think I’ll go insane is because I am done Writer’s Craft. This is my best, strongest, and most personal piece I’ve ever written. And also my last. You see, the semester is ending. And I am almost done this course.
People say that you find out what you’re made of once you step past your comfort zone. That you find out if you’re made of the right stuff. I don’t know if I’m ready to find out yet, though. But I guess fate does because it’s tossing me out of my comfortable pattern.
In the coming weeks when the final edit of this piece is finished I will know for sure if my writing is worthwhile to continue. I sent two pieces into publishers and I will find out the results soon.
I would say that this whole semester feels like a dream come true but that would be a lie. You see I haven’t slept in so long I forget what dreams feel like. But I still know what sanity feels like … for the time being that is.
