Just a Scar

Every verse is in a haiku format, I just wrote this last night and feel like there is something missing. I am open to ANY suggestions.

All you are is a,
Scar that never had a wound.
You're forever there.

I hope you realize,
You only made me stronger,
You didn't hurt me.

A brutal lesson,
It's one I needed to learn.
You have taught me well.

A scar, just a scar.
Only a mere mark on my heart.
You're forever there.

Hello and welcome to YWS!

I am happy to be your first reviewer of the day . I really like the meaning of this; it's such a cool concept, one that I haven't thought of before. Kudos to you for this being innovative. Personally I like the original second verse better than the second option you give us, but I also have a question could did not in the line You did not hurt me, could that become didn't I think it flows better that way. In a sense this feels a little choppy to me, but again that could be just personal opinion.

Awesome job,
If you have any questions or just want to talk please feel free to PM me any time.

Tiffany

you're right, it is missing something. William Carlos Williams once said "No poetry except in things." There are no things in your poem, nor are there any sensory details. I'd try to show and not tell... as in. Instead of telling us you're stronger, tell us a story. We should be able to infer your intention from what you choose to put into your piece.

Hey jemjive!

I think this would be awesome if, instead of just telling us about the scar that you have, you would tell us how and why you got the scar. That way, we get a clearer picture as to what exactly was at stake. Plus, you get to make it seem a lot more interesting. Right now, it's a bit confusing because I'm not quite sure what exactly you want to say, beyond what is literally there.

Hope that helps!

I was sort of thinking about that, putting what the scar was and what did to "make me stronger", no way to describe it was coming to me. Maybe looking it over again will help me. I will post if I edit it.