I will not let go of you (April Fools!)

Gender

Points 4832

Reviews 199

Thu Apr 01, 2010 4:48 am

smorgishborg says... · Thu Apr 01, 2010 4:48 am

I thought of setting this to music, but it'd probably be terrible. Maybe I'll rework some of the words and post a youtube video of me singing it.

***

I Will Not Let Go of You

You and I are both acquaintances with love
I'm familiar with the regulations, and so are you
And therefore, I'm proposing that we commit to each other
Which is an offer that you shouldn't expect from other men
All I wanted to do was to tell you how I felt
Because it's important to me that you comprehend this.

I will not let go of you.
I will not drop you.
I wouldn't walk away and leave you alone.
Making you shed tears would be unconscionable.
Saying parting words would be inconceivable.
And it goes without saying that I wouldn't speak falsely to injure you.

Now, we met a long time ago
And you've liked me for a lot longer then you're willing to say
In my heart, I am aware of this
But I'm willing to pretend I don't for the sake of society
But should you inquire as to my thoughts
You shouldn't pretend that you don't know.

I will not let go of you.

Last edited by smorgishborg on Fri Apr 02, 2010 3:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
- Robert Frost

It cost $7 million to build the Titanic, and $200 million to make a film about it.
The plastic ties on the end of shoelaces are called aglets

Quote

ScarlettFire

Supporter

Gender

Points 8000

Reviews 212

Thu Apr 01, 2010 12:26 pm

ScarlettFire says... · Thu Apr 01, 2010 12:26 pm

Hey there.

I really like this. The imagery is beautiful and the flow was nice, if a little forced in places. You used some really long words, which, in my honest opinion, would work better in a story rather than a poem, but it does work here. Other than that, there's not much else to nitpick.

Anyhow. Thank you for the beautiful poem.

~Scarlett

"With friends like you, who needs a medical license?"
- Paimon, Aether's Heart

“It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.”
- Grace Hopper.

Quote

Mr.Knightley

Gender

Points 1639

Reviews 261

Thu Apr 01, 2010 2:12 pm

Mr.Knightley says... · Thu Apr 01, 2010 2:12 pm

Hi smorgishborg! I'm here to review.

*sigh* I wasn't a fan of this, man. For me, it read like a journal entry or a piece of prose instead of poetry. You just go on and on about these devotions you have for someone, but it has no emotion in it at all! You didn't make me feel anything with your words, and I was disappointed. I mean, I could take a pencil right now and write down a poem about how much I love someone (anyone), saying "I love you, dear, with every fiber of my being," but who the heck wants to read that? Stating things the way you did, just line after line of devotions to a loved one, reads like a grocery list, and you might as well have said "one dozen eggs/I also need strawberries" for all the effect it has on the reader.

I do think you can fix this, though, because you have potential (the opinion of a fifteen-year-old

). Anyways, I hope I helped a little. :/

-Knightley

"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same."

Lady Gaga

Quote

Elinor

Supporter

Gender

Points 1030

Reviews 1260

Thu Apr 01, 2010 9:05 pm

Elinor says... · Thu Apr 01, 2010 9:05 pm

Sorry, but I can't really say that I like this.

To add to what Knightley said, it seems more like a journal entry or a letter and doesn't really have rhythm or any poetic feel to it. This is because you put too much information onto each line, and it's hard for the reader to all take in with a lack of rhythm.

On top of that, your idea was interesting, so why not expand upon it? You've got the workings of a basic story here, and I'm advising you to go that route. I want to know the girl's name and what she is like, and more behind the boy and just exactly why he wants to commit her and why he is so afraid of letting go. I want to learn of experiences these couples have had together and really feel for them.

PM me if you have questions!

-Elinor

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.
-- Walt Disney

Quote

Galerius

Gender

Points 33318

Reviews 382

Fri Apr 02, 2010 12:44 am

Galerius says... · Fri Apr 02, 2010 12:44 am

Well played, sir.

Quote

smorgishborg

Gender

Points 4832

Reviews 199

Fri Apr 02, 2010 1:35 am

smorgishborg says... · Fri Apr 02, 2010 1:35 am

So based on some of your suggestions, I've re-written the words a little bit. I was also in the mood today, so I recorded me singing a bit of the new poem! Please watch and tell me what you think!

Here's the rewrite: (I think it flows a lot better)

Spoiler

We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up,
Never gonna let you down,
Never gonna run around and desert you,
Never gonna make you cry,
Never gonna say goodbye,
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

We've known each other for so long
Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it
Inside we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it
And if you ask me how I'm feeling
Don't tell me you're too blind to see

Never gonna give you up,
Never gonna let you down,
Never gonna run around and desert you,
Never gonna make you cry,
Never gonna say goodbye,
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Never gonna give you up,
Never gonna let you down,
Never gonna run around and desert you,
Never gonna make you cry,
Never gonna say goodbye,
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

We've known each other for so long
Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it
Inside we both know what's been going on
We know the game and we're gonna play it

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up,
Never gonna let you down,
Never gonna run around and desert you,
Never gonna make you cry,
Never gonna say goodbye,
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
- Robert Frost

It cost $7 million to build the Titanic, and $200 million to make a film about it.
The plastic ties on the end of shoelaces are called aglets

Quote