The Orphanage ~ chapter one, part one

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2826
Reviews 13
I will submit this story in small pieces. I think that will be the best. I hope you like the story and the plot. I have to say that the main plot doesn't start yet...


Read this before you start reading this part: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic60955.html


The Orphanage;
Living among enemies

The Reason
Chapter one, part one


“Michelle!” I heard someone shout from somewhere that sounded like the bathroom. “Where the hell is my new perfume?” I sighed. She could be such a pain. I wondered when she decided to move out. I wished it was that day every single day, but I was wrong. That day never seemed to come.

“I don’t know!” I shouted back. She always woke me up early in the morning. I hated her for doing that. Just because she needed an hour in the bathroom didn’t mean that she had to wake up everybody before she went in there. If she was going to take a shower she had to tell everybody, even though we were asleep and couldn’t do anything about it. Did she really think that we would come looking at her? How stupid could she possible be? That was a question that often popped up in my mind. Very stupid. That was the answer every single time.

“I know you have stolen it,” she claimed. Now she was standing in my doorway. “Just give it back and I won’t tell my dad.” I didn’t like being accused of something I hadn’t done. That was stupid of her.

“I told you; I don’t know where it is!” I put my pillow over my head and pressed it against my ears. Right now I would rather be deaf. She groaned loudly, and I could hear she tramped her way towards the bedroom where my mom and her dad were. She was so selfish. Couldn’t she at least wait to tell her dad until he was awake?

Just a few seconds later I heard footsteps outside my bedroom door. I couldn’t exactly hear whose it was. Two seconds later I came to that conclusion that it had to be my step sister. I wanted to yell at her, but I found out that that wouldn’t be very smart. Not with her dad in the house. I had to wait until school. That reminded me of something; it was Monday today.

I got out of the bed in a hurry; you know how it feels when someone puts a rocket on your back. Well, obviously not everyone got rockets on their back; my step sister hadn’t come longer than to the kitchen.

After getting dressed I rushed into the bathroom. When I found my hairbrush I began to brush my hair. Today it wasn’t as messy as it used to be, but it still took a while to comb out all the knots. When I looked at my reflection in the mirror a tired face looked back at me. How could I look so tired? I reminded myself of the party I had been to at Saturday.

I put some make up on and went down for breakfast. When I reached the ground floor the smell of toast hit my nose. I love toast; especially the ones my mom makes.

“Who’s making toast?” I asked while I walked through the doorway. Everybody sat around the kitchen table. My step dad looked at his daughter next to him and then at me. I took a seat next to my mom which was on the other side of the table.

“Robyn just told us that you have stolen her new perfume,” he said calmly. I could hear there was anger in his voice too, but since my mom sat around the same table he had to control himself. My mom gave him a look that he ignored.

“Well, as I just told her,” I began with my softest voice, looking at him first then Robyn. “I have no clue where her new perfume is.” I faked a smile. Robyn seemed to be even angrier at me now, but her dad seemed calmer. He smiled back at me and then facing Robyn.

“Maybe you have forgotten where you put it?” He suggested before he took the rest of his toast in his mouth. Robyn stared at him like she wanted nothing else than kill him there and then. “I know where I put my stuff,” she said through clenched teeth. I smiled for myself and took a bite of my own toast which had lain on my plate too long. It tasted delicious.

After eating two slices of toasts I went upstairs to find my schoolbag. It was gone. I knew it was supposed to lie under my desk, but now it wasn’t there anymore. I knew exactly who had taken it and she will regret, because now I’m going to be late for school too.


Do you want to read some more? You can read chapter one, part two here:
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic61050.html
Last edited by bubblegum on Wed Mar 31, 2010 8:55 pm, edited 3 times in total.
May all your dreams come true.. (even the ones they laughed at).




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 15421
Reviews 158
Hi bubblegum
I like this part same as the last one.
I have one nit-pick,
After eating two toasts I went upstairs to find my schoolbag

I have never heard some one say hat shouldn't it be
After eating two slices of toast, I went upstairs to ind my school bag.


I like the way that you have the evil step sister thing going on, it makes it easier for the reader to relate to the mc.
Can you pm me when you post more?
Thanks
midnghtread :elephant:
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it.


Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional.


Rugby is a thugs game played by gentle men,
Football is a gentleman's game played by thugs.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2826
Reviews 13
midnightread wrote:*Review*

Thanks. Again :)
I will. And I'll edit that sentence right away..
May all your dreams come true.. (even the ones they laughed at).




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1592
Reviews 6
Interesting story. I liked the idea,and I'm curious to see where your taking it. One small thing i saw was your dialogue seems stiff. Like in your sentence:
“I know you have stolen it,” she claimed.
I feel like this wouldn't be something I would hear someone say. I think it would be more like "I know you took it!" or something. That's my opinion, take it or leave it. I liked your story, and I'll be looking forward to seeing more of your work.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1477
Reviews 4
Story was good and i like the mood you created in this part. However the first paragraph confuses me. Mostly on the second sentence
“Where the hell is my new perfume?” I sighed.
took me a while before i figured out who spoke but anyways thats probably just me. Nice story though.
Is life nothing but a dream
where everything is just memories?



We think in generalities, but we live in details.
— Alfred North Whitehead