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Last edited by jackle on Mon Feb 14, 2011 6:30 am, edited 6 times in total.
check it out - novel.php?id=1132




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Well, jackle, you really have an active imagination.

To be honest, I loved this piece and I think it's the best one you've written. The first line caught my attention as you described the scenery. Your descriptions are becoming better and better and that's very good in writing.

The scenes with Phil are amazing and well written, as well as the scenes with her friends and some with her family. One thing I want to point out, though, is that the scene when Kasia and Ingrid are talking about the death of her mother and how Russel killed her isn't very well worded. Really, her reaction to her mother's murder really isn't...human. Although what she does afterwards is well written, it seems as if she had never heard of her mother's homicide and everything just went on as usual.

jackle wrote:“I know you and Russell are lying to me about mum-”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about-”
“Oh, give it up! She’s not on holiday, I’m not stupid, Ing! Just please tell me you’re not sleeping with that asshole!” This part right here has nothing to do with her mother's death. It's just sort of placed there because it wouldn't fit somewhere else. All you need to do to fix it is change the wording and it'll fit perfectly. For instance, you can say: #FF0000 ">And, for the love of God, please tell me you're not sleeping with that asshole?Ingrid laughed. “Ew, no. That’s gross, he’s like fifty!”
“Then what on earth…”
“Russell’s cool. He’s like a father to me, or an awesome older brother. ”
“We have a father,” I reminded her.
“Yeah but he’s six feet under! Move on.”
“Where is mum? Is she six feet under?”
Ingrid whole body iced over. Her eyes were far away, recalling a memory.This part isn't very well explained and sort of rushed. You can add more questions for her, with Kasia's reaction. You can say something like: #FF0000 ">"No," I breathed, "No, Ingrid. Please, don't tell me you..." I took a deep breath and stepped away from her. She might kill me, too. Then connect that with the rest of what you've written.
My breath caught in my throat and I had to clear it before continuing. “So you just replace dad with some asshole and kill off anyone you don’t like, for example, mum. Am I next?”
She snapped back to the present, her face twisted with pain. “No, Kasia. It’s not like that. I loved mum…”
“Obviously not enough to spare her,” I spat, disgusted.
“I came home to see Russell hacking her to bits! He did it for the life insurance; he promised me some of the money.”
“He bribed you to keep quiet about murdering mum? That is the lowest you’ve ever sunk. You should be ashamed, you vile, selfish bitch! Go on then, get it over with and kill me now!”
“No! Kasia, I wouldn’t dream of it. Any way, you don’t have life insurance.”


Although the life insurance does seem like an excuse that Russell would kill his wife, but why would her daughter keep that a secret? There needs to be another reason. Maybe Russell threatened her knowing she wouldn't fight back like Kasia would, or something.

And the last part about the wolf shape shifting thing, she seems more excited about being a wolf instead of scared as she probably would be because other than having the knowledge that her mom was killed, she's a giant wolf now. I don't know about Kasia, but I'd be pretty freaked out if that happened to me bawling my eyes out and then after that was done, I'd probably take advantage of being ginormous and get revenge on Russell and Ingrid. But the other wolf would probably stop me... Anyway, I loved the chapter and PM if you have any questions about what I pointed out. :smt003
The two most engaging powers of an author are to make new things familiar, and familiar things new.
Samuel Johnson

I'm not sarcastic, I'm simply verbally ironic.
Me



pain is that feeling when you are feeling hurt, but it never goes away leaving me hurt. oh it hurts.
— Dragonthorn