Aberrant Romance - 1

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Memo:
I am really into this idea that I have right now. I'm very pleased with it too. However, you you are against what I am writing about (subject matter, not content) then I strongly suggest you keep your opinions to yourself. I don't want to be mean, but I want you to critique my writing, not my creativity. Also before you read there is some slang you should be aware of. An "ace" is a marijuana cigarette.


CHAPTER ONE

I took a hit of an ace and sat back in my chair. I held in the smoke until my lungs screamed for amnesty. Blowing out the smoke, and all my stress along with it, I created a cloud above my head. It looked like one of those cartoon clouds seen in the Sunday paper, except this puff of smoke contained anything but a dream. I put out the ace and rubbed my eyes until speckles of color tingles behind my eye lids. Then a car door slammed.
Slapping myself out of my groggy state I took the ash tray with the ace and threw it in my bathroom trashcan. Like clockwork I covered it with toilet paper, and taking my best smelling body spray I began to drench my room in "Lemon Revival". Within seconds a vanilla candle was lit and my nose was in a book. There was no trace of my habit left behind.
When I heard my mother's timid tap on my bedroom door a slight feeling of guilt came over me. Nobody knew about my flirtation with marijuana, and I was perfectly aware it was dishonorable to my family. She shyly invited herself in and sat down on my bed with me. The overly perfumed room worried me, but I tried to concentrate on the spaces between the lines in my book.
"Well, I've got some excited news for you today Bethy," She said trying to hide her smile.
"Yeah?" I mumbled.
"Mhm, while your father and I were at the office Robert Wolf the president of Worthington School for Girls called us. He said he was impressed with your transcripts and sources, and you have been accepted! You won't be getting the letter until next week, but he wanted to let us know ahead of time. Isn't that exciting?" I closed my book and shot a look of surprise at her.
"Worthington is in Britain." I stated.
"Yes, I know. It'll be a quite a change for you, but I'm sure you'll get so much out of it!" I was almost certain she was more excited than I was. "Oh, and they found a host for you! I almost forgot to tell you that. Your host is um, oh let me run downstairs and get the paper." She scurried out of my room leaving me shocked. My stomach churned and my eyes burned. I applied to Worthington as a joke to see if some American teenage girl could get into a prestigious British school. I suppose anything is possible.
Public school was no good for me. I received terrible grades and no support from the faculty. My parents sent me to a private Catholic school near my town in California. There I was one of the top in my class, and my 10th grade English teacher suggested that I apply to other private schools with more opportunity. Therefore I applied to many schools, including some colleges, in the United States and one school in Britain.
My mother burst in waving a piece of note paper. "His name is Mark Dunstan, he has a large house and property in Bradford which is near your school, naturally. He's divorced with no kids, but allows students to reside in his house. He's a large contributer to Worthington."
"So I'm staying with some old guy in a large house. That doesn't sound very appealing....or safe." I ruffled my eyebrows and gave my mother a questionable look.
"Oh, its not like that. His house is like a boarding house according to Mr.Wolfe," She explained. "And he's not that old actually. Mr. Dunstan is only 28, maybe 30. Wasn't married for very long I guess." She laughed lightly at her last statement. Her face was still glowing with excitement. Mine was still pale while my mind was dazed.
"Oh, um, alright. I can't believe that my first time in a plane is going to be over seas in a place I've barley even heard of." I laughed to myself. The situation was awfully amusing, but nonetheless real.
"I won't quit to become someone's old lady."
-Janis Joplin




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Hey there Possibleintrovert,

I'm here for your first review :D

I took a hit of an ace and sat back in my chair. I held in the smoke until my lungs screamed for amnesty. Blowing out the smoke, and all my stress along with it, I created a cloud above my head. It looked like one of those cartoon clouds seen in the Sunday paper, except this puff of smoke contained anything but a dream. I put out the ace and rubbed my eyes until speckles of color tingles behind my eye lids. Then a car door slammed
I like this, very discriptive. I've never smoked but with this paragraph, I felt as if I had.

When I heard my mother's timid tap on my bedroom door a slight feeling of guilt came over me. Nobody knew about my flirtation with marijuana, and I was perfectly aware it was dishonorable to my family
Again, I like this. I would like to know why it isn't honourable in her family. I mean, no one wants their kids to smoke dope, but why do you mention that it's wrong especially in her family? She goes to private schools, so obviously her parents can afford it and is that why? They're wealthy and prestigious? I would like a little more background on them.

"Well, I've got some excited news for you today Bethy,"
I think you mean 'exciting'

Mhm, while your father and I were at the office Robert Wolf the president of Worthington School for Girls called us.
Ok, I'm not too good with commas but I think you need one here between 'office' and 'Robert' because the sentence doesn't read well.

I closed my book and shot a look of surprise at her.
This sentence is somewhat awkward. I think it would be better read like this, "I closed my book and shot her a look of surprise."

"Worthington is in Britain." I stated
Comma here, not a period.

I suppose anything is possible.
if you're sticking with past tense, it should read, "I supposed anything was possible.

Okay, well those are all the nitpicks I had. I would love to have a bit more background on her family, as I mentioned before. I would like to know how she reacts to losing her home, friends and family. Does she have a little brother or sister she'll be glad to be rid of? If she's rich and used to doing what she wants, how is she going to react to living in someone's else house with their own set of rules? I'd love to see what else to have to give on this, please pm me for the next chapter?

I also wanted to mention something. You're new here so you might not know it but the reviewers here are great. THey do not critique you or your creativity. It is not a site meant to attack the writer, but help them out. Some might be more abrupt then others but keep in mind that it's better to have a good, honest, straightforward opinion then one from someone trying to coddle you and not hurt your feelings. Well, that's all I wanted to say!

See ya! Tanya :D




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Hola twiceuponatime here, i really like your story but i have a few minor critiques.
1) you say ace too much it kind of gets repetitive.
2)at the end make it more clear that she is thinking to herself in the very last p. I got a little confused and had to read it over

Other than that i thought it was very good




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Hi! Pink here, dropping by to do a quick review.
Firs of all, this chapter is kind of short so I don't really know much about the characters and all but from the little things you explained I can see they have some deep personalities. I wonder why the protagonist smokes, I mean it seems like she has a fine life so I'm wondering what happened to make her go down that road.
Most of the nitpicks have already been mentioned so I won't go there.
I like the idea of a boarding school and I want to know what kind of trouble she may get into or what kind of obstacles she's going to face.

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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I really like this. It kind of reminds me of Go Ask Alice and Crank . I would NEVER critisize your imagination.!! You're really good. Anyone has their own imagination, so to each his own. PM me when you righ the second part. Oh and keep each piece short, but not TOO short. Just like you did withthus one. You don't want to bore people.
<3:
Layla
I hope someday that someone will walk into my life and help me realize why it never worked out with him or anyone else.




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this is a nice piece. I am not gonna say that you should change the whole idea. I agree with the corections Tanya told you to do. But all in all, it was interesting. And I would like to add, I loved the begining! I never smoked, I mean EVER and what you described made me feel lik eI really did; even though I would never smoke. I'm gonna keep on reading. Check out my pieces! :)
Nike
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek



I understand what you're saying, and your comments are valuable, but I'm gonna ignore your advice.
— Roald Dahl