Fall

The pebbles underneath my feet move with each step I take, one more step towards my death.
I fall, the wind ripping through my hair as I tumble closer to the end,
I feel them there, watching me, as I let go of all that I held inside of me,
their breath’s take each of mine from my lungs,
I suffer hopelessly in silence.

I enjoy reading through this poem of yours though it was rather short. But the thing i do not understand is your use of pebble in your first expression. Pebble is always associated with good using it at the begining made me though i was about to read something beautiful not a tragedy

Hey Shexay!

The main thing I'm wondering about as far as this poem goes is why is this person falling off a cliff (or an otherwise tall thing... it could be something else, I suppose). Yes, she's suffering alone and yes, she's falling to the end... but why? If someone pushed her off, this would color the poem in a completely different way than if this were a suicide. And there would be different thoughts associated with each as well.

So!

I say you try a little bit of a writing challenge! Try writing a falling poem... one for someone who is pushed off by someone else and one for someone who pushes herself off. Try to make each poem unique and with a different voice. It'll be fun, honest.

Hey there

I thought that this was pretty good! You definitely have potential and I do like your writing style. I do have to agree with Snoink though.

It's kind of hard to understand the poem because we don't really know why the person is falling. I think that it might be suicide? But I'm not sure though. You need to make things clear to the reader, but tat the same time, don't literally tell them.

Overall, I definitely think that this poem could be really good! I actually like the length. If you made it longer, it wouldn't be as good in my opinion. All you need to do is read over your work, do what some of the reviews suggest, and you'll have a great poem!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Howdy, so various people have told you to do various things, and it should be apparent to you now that something's wrong with your poem!

And that's good, because that my friend is the first step towards learning.

So, I'm going to teach you the technique of... FLUID IMAGE!

The idea is this, in poetry, you want everything to appear natural, as if it just happened out your mouth. You want your words to wander as the eye might, focusing on what strikes it as important, glazing over other aspects.

Before the idea I'm about to explain can really be appreciated, I'd like you to take a moment to look around the room. Now, I'd like you to examine WHAT you focus in on and why. MOST rooms, regardless of how messy they are, exist of more literal space than form(and that's ignoring the fact that science claims the forms themselves are mostly space as well). Look around yours, and focus in on that space. Notice how the smaller details on things like you... chair are often ignored, because you know it's form? I mean, why examine a chair right? It's pretty easy to tell when one is broken, and you know what it does.

Now, the purpose of poetry is to designate NEW FUNCTIONS to old material. We all have lungs, but when I say something like "Lungs grasping at stolen breath" it makes you examine the way in which your lungs function DIFFERENTLY. This isn't, persay, the POINT of poetry, but it is an aspect.

So, let's examine your poem.

"The pebbles underneath my feet move with each step I take, one more step towards my death."

Now, let's give each of those nouns some characteristics, some... ACTION!

"Pebbles hiding neath my feet, moving like ants between each step towards death."

I took out "the" and "towards my", because much like the nuts and bolts in my chair I know what they are, know what they do, and do not need them. Those words can be assumed.

You see how I've characterized the pebbles? This opens a world of possibility, all of which gives TONE. All of these vices work to give the feeling you're after. So, what can we do to further characterize the pebbles? Right now they're hiding, but moving like ants? Do ants move?

Well, yes. But I'd say ants look far more erratic than that, and you've already referred to your pebbles as "hiding". Hiding sets a mood of anticipation, fear, specially when you realize you're under someones foot. The second verb should match that mood, and work to further characterize the pebble.

"Pebbles hiding neath my feet, scurrying like ants between each step towards death."

And then from there you have a FOUNDATION. You let the words wander like the eyes would, meandering fluidly, but with purpose, towards their goal.

"Pebbles hiding neath my feet scurrying like ants between each step towards death.
Perhaps they are waiting, waiting for the fall to break my neck, waiting for the wind to scath my scalp, waiting to pick my corpse."

That would be a way to characterize your pebbles as malicious, and therefore your narrator as a rather pessimistic fellow, which looks like the mood you're going for, but hte pebbles could also serve the function of flowers to decorate his grave at the cliffs foot... you could make a reference to yourself being like a pebble to the cliff, hiding neath it's feet...

possibilities are endless.

Anyway, I suggest you destroy this poem and redo it, or don't redo it and simply work on characterizing your forms to give FLUID IMAGE.