Your Spiderman

There are three versions to this. The one that's up is what I'd like to be review. My other two are earlier variations (One which EB and Crescent agreed wasn't very deep.) Personally, I like the combination [The one up] much better than the other two. What do you think?
--

“Spiderman! Spiderman!”
They scream my name in the air,
But “Spiderman” ain't listening,
Because he's stuck on thoughts of MJ

You were on my mind,
When the building collapsed around me,
And when I emerged, a babe in arm
Your smile was louder than the cheering crowds

“Spiderman's so amazing and spectacular...”
“He can swing through the air!”
“He's a hero!”
“A true American...”

But Spiderman's just Peter Parker:
A brown haired geeky teen,
Spiderman is just a guy,
And of MJ he does dream:

Your favourite song is Where is the Love,
and I Gotta Feeling that it's mine too.
Hey Soul Sister, you've got me smiling again, sighing again
My heart's going Boom Boom Pow!
I know it's kinda corny, stupid, but corn's your favorite food.

If Spiderman could fight Doc Oc.
Then why can't Peter say,
“You make me, MJ, like sunshine makes the day”
If Spiderman can save the world,
Then why can't Peter, at the ball,
Let MJ in his arms, spin, ballet and twirl

MJ you make me giddy
Because of your smile, face, hair,
Overall because you were the one who first knew,
You were the one who first flew with me,
You care for the hungry and sick,
For the poor and orphaned and widowed.
You're the real hero.

I'm not your superior,
You're not my prize
I want to be your hero,
If you'll be my pride



Like Peter, I'm Spiderman,
I sometimes struggle to say:
"I need you, MJ, like the water needs the bay"

And if you haven't discerned,
What I've been asking all along,
MJ will you be with me?
MJ will you swing with me?

--

Original:

Spoiler

I'm fighting a worldwide threat,
I'm fighting for you...

You were on my mind,
When the building collapsed around me,
And when I emerged, a babe in arm
Your smile was louder than the cheering crowds

Your voice rung loud in my ears,
The day Flash picked a fight,
And I restrained... to a beating,
But I took pride in your pride.

I'm not your superior,
You're not my prize
I want to be your hero,
If you'll be my pride.

Pride! of the greatest magnitude,
Because of your smile, face, hair,
Overall because you were the one who first knew,
You were the one who first flew with me,
You care for the hungry and sick,
For the poor and orphaned and widowed.
You're a real hero.

Your favourite song is Where is the Love,
and I Gotta Feeling that it's mine too.
Hey Soul Sister, you've got me smiling again.
I know it's kinda corny, but corn's your favorite food.

Swinging through the streets,
On the blackest night,
Shadows on shadows all around me,
Your face is a breaking dawn.

When winter comes and rolls 'round,
Like the song, I'll search,
For the rose that sprouts from thick white snow,
Will you be my rose?
My reason to brave the cold?

If you haven't discerned,
What I've been asking all along,
I'm asking you...
Because your Athena's Counsel
Because Aphrodite takes beauty tips from you
If you'll be my equal, other half
And I'm asking you, mid-swing,
If you'll fight with me too.

From
Your Spiderman.

Re-write (As to which EB and Crescent said wasn't as personal, I agree):

Spoiler

Spiderman, Spiderman,
He swings through the air,
On his way to combat crime
Answering cries of despair

But Spiderman's just Peter Parker:
A brown haired geeky teen,
Spiderman is just a guy,
And of MJ he does dream

“Spiderman's so amazing and spectacular...”
“He can swing through the air!”
“He's a hero!”
“A true American...”

But Peter don't have time for amazing,
Cause Aunt May's got that hospital bill to pay,
So he'll rustle up what change he can,
And before he sleeps, solemnly pray.

If Spiderman could fight Doc Oc.
Then why can't Peter say,
“You make me, MJ, like sunshine makes the day”
If Spiderman can save the world,
Then why can't Peter, at the ball,
Let MJ in his arms, spin, ballet and twirl

Spiderman's Peter Parker
Peter Parker is Spiderman's lie
Spiderman's the toughest man,
Peter Parker's the geekiest guy

And if you haven't discerned
What I've hinted at now,
Let me say it plain out:

I'm Spiderman,
But I'm also Peter Parker
And yes I'm the team Captain,
Top of my class too.
I'm the lady's man, true
And I volunteer at the zoo.
But I'm still like Peter Parker, this time, Stan
And I struggle to say,
“I need you, Elle, like the water needs the bay...”

Signed
Your Spiderman

--

Which did you like best? As to review just review the one that's not a spoiler. Sorry if this was a bit... overdone. Thanks.

Hey Hero~
Like I told you before, I really love this. It's really sweet, and it gets right at your heart.

“I need you, Elle, like the water needs the bay...”

I really LOVE that line!!!!!!

This work deserves 5 stars in my book!!!!

Hey there!

Being an avid fan of Spiderman, I will say that I wasn't disappointed. You seemed to capture Spiderman/Peter Parker dual life perfectly. I loved your imagery and the way you re-created moments from the films, but my only problem is that there was nothing that really stuck out. You re-created well, but there wasn't anything in this poem that made it truly your own. You're already stating facts that Spiderman fans know of. My advice? Add more substance to the stanzas. Truly make this poem something worth remembering.

Thanks for letting me read it, and PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor

Hi hero. Not to be mean or anything but I sort of agree with Elinor... It didn't really seem personal. It was just stating what spiderman does like what Elinor said. I liked the one that you pm-ed me better. It seemed more personal. I liked the feeling it gave me. Can you post that one up if you didn't already. *bats eyelashes* Pretty please?
-Crescent

Well... I warned you... here goes...

Ok, first off, the entire theme is limiting and hardly explored. Spider-man, and love, and yes. What about universal archetypes of the hero, or relating spiderman to other spider-like characters in world mythology?

Your character doesn't actually present us with any emotion, you the narrator just tells us what we're supposed to imagine him feeling in various situations, and you rhyme the whole thing, and call it a poem.

Well, it may be a poem, but I'm not influenced by this to FEEL anything outside of what I normally feel.

For a moment, ignore rhyming and try to create a real feeling with your character. Spiderman, how does he feel? What's it like to wear a mask for the woman you love? Is it distant? Show us that, don't tell us that, but show it.

Then, tie that in to your metaphor. A mask of webs. Spiderman wears a mask of webs. Does he feel stuck in that, or trapped by that, like a web might trap an insect? Maybe he's so tangled in his own web he can't see he needs MJ. Maybe she's tangled in his webs too.

Or maybe he's swinging on through ,weaving a larger web round the towering spires of New York. Capture that feeling. exhileration, excitement, being PULLED FORTH through gaseous currents of air rushing to meet the skin, or pass it by.

So, i'd work on actually evoking emotion from your reader, trying to give us hte feelings your character has, then move on to rhyming.

Questions, concerns, comments? My PM box is always open.