Crash

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*Some parts of this chapter are supposed to be in italics, naturally it's when the narrative seems to become first person. By the way, all this is set in the future* :wink:


12. Crash
For a split second, Andrew saw the glass of the other car spider-web on impact. The flexible glass window burst outward as Andrews head smacked and scraped against it, his shoulder hitting the doors lock. He sobered up from the sheer shock of what had just happened. He was dizzy and his vision was hazy, but he saw the crushed car from the cracked windshield. It was blood red under the full moon.

The headlights of both the truck and car had been destroyed in the crash. The cars backlights were off as well. It must have been one brutal impact to have done that. The truck itself seemed to be intact. In fact it was still running.

The street lights on this part of the street were off, but there was enough moonlight to see everything around him once his vision returned to normal. He couldn’t see how the person inside the car was because the windshield was so cracked and compressed it was almost white. The front of the car and hood had been sunken in so far that it looked like the front half of it had been sawed clean off. Was there more than one person in that car?

Andrew suffered no serious injuries, at least he thought so. It was a wonder why hitting his head against the window hadn't knocked him out, or killed him. New vehicles were designed to take most of the shock from a crash, at least Sam's truck did. The car that he saw from the windshield was crushed by a beast, a blue beast.

I am the driver of the beast! Andrew's heart burned and felt like it was ready to explode. He turned to face Sam who was hyperventilating.

"Andrew! It's over for us!" Sam cried.

"Not yet." Andrew ducked as lights in houses turned on around the neighborhood. While Sam thought he was scared he had no idea. He hadn't been the one driving!

What are we supposed to do now? I know we should stay at the scene, but what will that mean for me and Sam? Andrew could see the pained looks of his parents as they watched him be hauled into the back of a police car handcuffed. Andrew huffed and he puffed. No, he wasn't going to let that happen.

"S-sam, we can't tell anybody about this u-understand?" Andrew whispered, his voice quivery as he drove around the wrecked car drove.

Sam nodded, his lips trembling.

The tips of Andrew’s fingers were having trouble changing the trucks gear. He mashed his teeth together so frantically that he could feel his lower to chip from the top.

Andrew put the truck in reverse. It separated from the car with a sickening crunch. Putting the truck back into drive, he weaved around the crumbled car, averting his eyes from it. Sirens blared so close that the sounds could have been coming from the trucks base system.

"It's the cops man! What are we gonna do if they pull us over?" Sam squealed.

“They won't,” Andrew said. The further he drove to the outer limits of town, the fainter the scream of the sirens became.

As they drove out of town Andrew took a quick glance at his reflection in the hanging rear view mirror. He had the face of a condemned man. He knew he was doing something incredibly evil, but he couldn't fathom suffering through the other option.

When they had driven so far into the country side that enough time past that they sobered up, Andrew stopped the truck in front of a polluted pond in a secluded forested area.

He and Sam stepped out into the night. Andrew stared at Sam from across the trucks hood. The vehicle was still idling, serpentine exhaust fumes flowed from it's muffler. It's headlights bathed the surface of the water in intense light.

“Sam,” Andrew said, “this is the only way.”

Sam stared at him with vacant eyes. “What do you mean?” he asked.

Andrew shook his head and climbed back inside the truck. He pressed a button on the wheel, and the headlights shut off. From the ceiling light illuminating the interior he could see the trucks floor. He searched through it and found a dumbbell behind the seats. With it in hand, he stepped out and set it on the gas.

Sam's truck sped to the pond. Water sloshed as it's front wheels rolled over it and then waves swept around as it plunged into the pond. First the tires descended, and then the rest of the truck was consumed by the water. They stayed until they were sure that the truck wouldn't float back up to the surface. Through it all, Sam had said nothing.

"That's my truck down there, what am I supposed to tell my family?" Sam finally said as the waters thick black surface smoothed out.

"Sam, I'm so sorry. All of this is my fault. I should have gone to that Astronomy Club meeting instead of that... that-" Andrew couldn't get himself to finish before his voice choked up. What if he killed someone? He willed himself to think of a more optimistic possibility.

"It's my fault too man, don't take the blame on my part," Sam said patting him on the back. Andrew pulled away, he wanted to be alone.

"Come on, let’s go," Sam said. Andrew nodded and walked beside his friend. "I'll tell my family my truck was stolen alright?" The smell of Sam's breath still hinted that he had been drinking. Andrew's probably did to.

"Sam, we wouldn't be in these woods right now if we hadn't gone to that party. I was so stupid. Why did I go speeding down the street like I had completely lost it?" He already knew the answer. Two drinks that he hadn't thought would affect him clouded his mind and made him do all the wrong choices. The air was cool. Neither of them wore clothes that were appropriate for this kind of weather. Andrew shrugged off the shivers that came from the cold.

"Andrew, how do you suppose that person in the other car is?" Sam said. A gust wind whistled around them. It pierced his very being with its mocking.

"I don't know," Andrew said lowering his head and shoving his hands in his jean pockets he didn’t feel like talking. He hoped nobody was killed because of him. Andrew's soul felt darker than the forest around him. They both hiked through the forest to the highway without saying another word to each other. They jumped at every animal sound, fearing that it was bound to be the police coming for them.

Andrew stopped as he heard something rustle among the trees to his left. The temperature suddenly dropped to what had to be freezing point.

“What is that?” he whispered as an enormous four legged animal stalked through the trees. Under the gleam of the stars and moon it's eyes glowed a yellowish blue, and something like spikes on its shoulders were a silver white luster.

“Run!” Andrew yelled when the thing turned its diamond shaped wolf head toward them. As he ran he heard it's growl.

He heard Sam behind him. From the sound his feet made on the grass and downed tree branches he was only jogging.

“Wait! What’s wrong?” Sam hollered.

What kind of question was that? Had he not see the thing? If he didn’t, he had to have heard it. When they reached the road it was empty and forbidding.

“What was that all about back there bro?” Sam said.

Andrew hesitated, “I- didn't you-” a howl erupted from the trees. It was all wrong, the howl, as if it were backwards. He sprinted along the road, wondering whether the padding foot falls behind him was Sam or the creature.

“What was that?” Sam said.

Andrew could say nothing as he continued to dash over the never ending black serpent. He and Sam ran until their lungs became lead, and their legs threatened to explode from fatigue. They walked alongside the black grass, peering at it every few steps. They stuck their trembling thumbs at every passing car, hoping to get a ride. Many past them by. After the last swept by, all they saw was the gleam of the white lines on the darkened road.

A beam of light washed over him and Sam. An engine rattled behind him. Andrew turned and squinted against the light coming from an ancient white car idling on the side of the road. An old couple was inside.

"Come on in boys .You'll freeze out in that cold," said a man sticking his head out the driver’s window.

Andrew and Sam shuffled to the car. An old woman with spectacles smiled at them as they passed by. Andrew smiled back. He hoped it looked genuine, nothing inside him warranted a smile. Andrew opened the back door which squealed with age. He scooted himself behind the driver as Sam slumped into the seat behind the woman. The car smelled of old decomposed wood.

“What are you two young fellers doing out here in the middle of night? And where are you headed to?” said the old man as he pulled back onto the highway.

Andrew said the first thing that came to mind, “We and a couple of other friends were planning to camp out, but the others forgot to pack the tents. So they went back to their places to get them. My friend and I here, had decided to stay and fish while we waited. Well, I fished anyway. My friend here just ate all the granola bars. Man, I’m telling you, those fish sure were feisty. More than once they tore the line right off the pole. A big one even yanked the pole into the water when I set it down on the dock only for a second.”

The old man chuckled.

Andrew didn't bother to hold his head down to blow his breath away from the couple. The dusty smell of the room was enough to dilute the smell of his breath if it still held whiffs of alcohol. And the couple looked to be at least seventy years old, so they probably couldn't smell things the same way they had in their prime. Or could they? Perhaps his logic was just too watered down to think realistically.

“You know what they say, you snooze you lose. But none of that explains what y'all were doing hitchhiking at this time of night."

The old man seemed to have bought the camping story. It was believable since it was a Friday night, and there wasn’t school on the weekends.

“Well apparently our friends must have had car trouble, because they never came back. Me and my friend Sa- ul, didn’t even have our cell phones with us to call. If there was signal in the woods anyway. And so now here we are, in your car. We’re from Mandan by the way.” Andrew thought it would be smart to not give their real names.

“Perfect, me and my wife were headed that way anyway. When we get there just tell us were your folks live.”

“Have you boys seen how Bismarck is shaping up yet? Who am I kidding, of course you have,” the man’s wife said. She was white haired and had many lines and wrinkles on her face.

“What’s your name by the way?” the man asked him.

“Adrian,” Andrew said. It was easiest to quickly think up a name that started with the same first letter of his real name.

“Adrian it is. Goodness, where are my manners?” he said. “Adrian, Saul, my name is Todd, and this is my wife Marian,” the old man said, gesturing to the woman on the raggedy seat next to him. They were a couple as kind as gold and they had the misfortune on picking up two criminals during a drive late at night. Andrew wanted to dive off a cliff and take flight.

“I cannot thank you enough for your gratitude on giving us a ride. I was afraid we’d have to walk all the way home.”

“It was our pleasure,” Marian said, looking into the rear view mirror. Her eyes bulged behind her glasses.
Last edited by AspiringAuthorA..M. on Mon May 31, 2010 12:35 am, edited 3 times in total.
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26




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What's good Aspiring Author? I'm the Bad Narrator and you'll be my reviewee today.

I like the idea of the story, but if I were gonna change just one thing I would go with the point of view. I noticed the parts you mentioned where it switched from 1st to 3rd person. I'm not really sure what effect you're hoping to achieve with that tactic, but if I were you I'd stick with just one. Preferably 1st person because I think this story would be about 10 times more effective if it was told from Andrew's perspective.

If you do decide to stick with 1st person then the thing you need to practice on the most is the voice of the narrator. As a rule of thumb, whenever somebody's talking about a "voice-driven story" 9 times outta 10 they're talking about a 1st person narrative. So the trick is to not only tell the story from Andrew's pov but from his voice as well. Make sure you incorporate the speech patterns of a kid about Andrew's age. It shouldn't be too hard because I'm guessing you are pretty close to the same age as him.
Just make sure that when you're reading it, you can hear a voice inside your head that is unique and genuine. There's nothing worse than a 1st person story where the narrator's voice is all dry and boring.

Another thing to work on is the descriptions. While the descriptions of scene and summary weren't horrible, I felt like they were pretty vague and boring in some parts. You wanna make sure you're not flooding the paragraph with adjectives and adverbs and try to incorporate the 5 senses into the descriptions.
One good exercise that would help is to go throughout the story and mark out all the adjectives and adverbs you see and then write the same sentence over again without them. It's just practice but it will help you develop your skills at using colorful descriptions.

I'm guessing that there's more to this story than what I've read so far so I'm not going to comment on the lack of depth of the characters. I just wanna make sure you know that as readers, we need some background history on the main characters or else we're never gonna be able to sympathize with them.

I hope this has been helpful and good luck with your story.
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I hope I gave the characters enough back story earlier on in the story. Several pieces prior to this one. :)
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26



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